Wendi Aaarons
  • Home
  • About Me
  • My Best
  • Contact

My 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

by Wendi // January 1, 2016

This year I will no longer eat food made in China, purchased at the Dollar Store, because I do not need another Nice Time Happy Peanut incident on my Urgent Care record.

–

This year I will carry a sharp scissors with me at all times and chop off any and all man buns I see. I will be arrested for doing so, but I don’t give a shit because it will earn me the Nobel Peace Prize and/or a statue in my likeness at a mall.

Screen Shot 2016-01-01 at 12.22.57 PM

This year I will remember that when someone posts a picture of their child with the caption, “Have you ever seen a more gorgeous girl?”, it is a rhetorical question that does not require my brutally honest opinion. (Once again, I apologize for the “Eddie Munster hairline” remark about your daughter, Jessica. Jeezus, get over it already.)

–

This year I will continue to give the women in my Spin class mafia-style nicknames, despite the continued objections of Tammy Big Legs and Mindy Calf Muscle.

–

This year I will smuggle cans of Orange Crush soda into the theater, and throw them at the heads of anyone who uses their cell phone during the movie. I will yell, “Incoming, motherf-cker!” while doing this so you’ll know it’s me.

–

This year I will no longer nicely smile when a medical person asks, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant, haha” and instead I’ll quietly whisper, “Only if the Reverend wishes it so.”

–

This year I will train my dog to only pee on my neighborhood nemesis’ lawn. I will then name the big brown patch that occurs “Wendi’s Sweet Revenge” and dance on it at midnight.

–

This year I will write a lot of parenting humor about pee and poop and not getting enough sleep because there’s just not enough of that content out there. Hahahahahaha. Humor dies when you have teenagers.

–

This year I will invent a new cosmetic procedure called “Moetox,” which is a serum you inject into your forehead to grow hair that covers your wrinkles. Ka-ching.

Screen Shot 2016-01-01 at 12.19.43 PM

This year I will start an anti-defamation group for Blonde Moms at School because enough is enough. WE ARE NOT ALL BAD, OKAY? SOME OF US WERE BORN WITH THIS FLAXEN GORGEOUS HAIR THAT MAKES US SUPERIOR IN ALL WAYS.

–

This year I will finally finish my “Sixteen Candles” Fan Fiction novel, “Farmer Ted’s Erotic City,” and the follow-up “50 Shades of Long Duck Dong.” Look for them at better bookstores and truck stops everywhere!

–

This year I will try to write more on my blog because lord knows my two readers deserve it. (Hi, mom and dad!)

–

This year I will run for office with the slogan, “Wendi Aarons: Seriously, Dudes, It Could Be a Lot Worse”

–

This year I will make friends with our septic tank company guy just so I can say, “Another shitty day, man?”

–

This year I will get more sleep, and not just at my kids’ sporting events and while driving.

–

This year I will send a professional headshot of myself to the Austin American-Statesman newspaper because they’ve used this freaky deaky one at least five times when writing about me. I know, Virgil the Cat, I’m upset, too. I look like a Swedish children’s TV host whacked out on Xanax and coffee creamer. “Hullo, kids! Who’s ready to have sum of da FUN?!? Grab da glockenspiels!”

Screen Shot 2016-01-01 at 12.37.56 PM

This year I will have the best year I’ve ever had, and to celebrate, I just downed a whole can of Chinese pork rinds from the Dollar Store! Yummy!

Wait.

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Comments

  1. Lance says:
    January 1, 2016 at 12:58 pm

    What if I’m in a movie theater with you, using my cell phone to tweet about the guy with a man bun sitting next to the woman mommy blogging about never getting to pee alone? Do I still get an orange crush to the noggin?

    Happy New Year, Wendi Sunshine

  2. Becky says:
    January 1, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Your resolutions suck way less than mine.

  3. Katherine C. James says:
    January 1, 2016 at 2:15 pm

    Virgil is, of course, pissed about your flaxen gorgeous hair that makes you superior. I’m your third reader. Hi to your mom and dad. P.S. Have you seen the Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee with Obama? The room Seinfeld and Obama had coffee in was bleak, with a Mr. Coffee, plastic red checkered tablecloths, and powdered creamer. I needed Xanax while I looked at it. Obama and Seinfeld were funny. That room was depressing.

  4. Ann says:
    January 1, 2016 at 2:42 pm

    “Wendi’s Sweet Revenge” (bottle that STAT)

  5. Arnebya says:
    January 1, 2016 at 5:26 pm

    That man bun was struggling. It deserves to be ended.

  6. gigi says:
    January 1, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    I’ve been looking for an hour now, and I thiiiiinnnnkkkk I saw some dark roots.

    Have to go clean the magnifying glass. A blow up of your picture, magnified 1000x, can be seen at BrunettesareBetter.com.

  7. Kim Bongiorno of Let Me Start By Saying says:
    January 2, 2016 at 8:04 am

    I resolve to be more like you.

  8. Elizabeth Ward says:
    January 2, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Laughed till I had a coughing fit then nearly passed out. But it was worth it!

  9. MLP says:
    January 2, 2016 at 1:06 pm

    “Only if the Reverend wishes it so.” – So many good uses for this one. So many.

  10. Bitsy says:
    January 2, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    Honorable goals, indeed. I hope you achieve each and every one.

  11. Wombat Central says:
    January 2, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Maybe have your dog spell out “fuck you” in brown lawn spots? Just brainstorming.

  12. Bryce Warden says:
    January 2, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    Finally resolutions that I can get behind! Applause.

Leave a Reply

Click here to cancel reply.

Hi, I'm Wendi. I usually post here just once a week, and it’s a little unpredictable, so if you don’t want to miss any of the excitement, subscribe to my feed!

Get updates in your inbox!

Enter your Email:
Preview | Powered by FeedBlitz

Recent Posts

  • Let’s Talk About Vaccines, Texas
  • The #ParentingPlaylist from CPTC
  • 20 Places To Visit Before You Die (When You’re On a Budget)
  • Toys and More Toys for Tots
  • The Age of Influence
Wendi Aarons | Copyright © 2021 All Rights Reserved
Powered by Wordpress and iThemes | site design by the pixel boutique