My 2016 New Year’s Resolutions

This year I will no longer eat food made in China, purchased at the Dollar Store, because I do not need another Nice Time Happy Peanut incident on my Urgent Care record.

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This year I will carry a sharp scissors with me at all times and chop off any and all man buns I see. I will be arrested for doing so, but I don’t give a shit because it will earn me the Nobel Peace Prize and/or a statue in my likeness at a mall.

This year I will remember that when someone posts a picture of their child with the caption, “Have you ever seen a more gorgeous girl?”, it is a rhetorical question that does not require my brutally honest opinion. (Once again, I apologize for the “Eddie Munster hairline” remark about your daughter, Jessica. Jeezus, get over it already.)

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This year I will continue to give the women in my Spin class mafia-style nicknames, despite the continued objections of Tammy Big Legs and Mindy Calf Muscle.

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This year I will smuggle cans of Orange Crush soda into the theater, and throw them at the heads of anyone who uses their cell phone during the movie. I will yell, “Incoming, motherf-cker!” while doing this so you’ll know it’s me.

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This year I will no longer nicely smile when a medical person asks, “Is there any chance you could be pregnant, haha” and instead I’ll quietly whisper, “Only if the Reverend wishes it so.”

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This year I will train my dog to only pee on my neighborhood nemesis’ lawn. I will then name the big brown patch that occurs “Wendi’s Sweet Revenge” and dance on it at midnight.

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This year I will write a lot of parenting humor about pee and poop and not getting enough sleep because there’s just not enough of that content out there. Hahahahahaha. Humor dies when you have teenagers.

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This year I will invent a new cosmetic procedure called “Moetox,” which is a serum you inject into your forehead to grow hair that covers your wrinkles. Ka-ching.

This year I will start an anti-defamation group for Blonde Moms at School because enough is enough. WE ARE NOT ALL BAD, OKAY? SOME OF US WERE BORN WITH THIS FLAXEN GORGEOUS HAIR THAT MAKES US SUPERIOR IN ALL WAYS.

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This year I will finally finish my “Sixteen Candles” Fan Fiction novel, “Farmer Ted’s Erotic City,” and the follow-up “50 Shades of Long Duck Dong.” Look for them at better bookstores and truck stops everywhere!

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This year I will try to write more on my blog because lord knows my two readers deserve it. (Hi, mom and dad!)

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This year I will run for office with the slogan, “Wendi Aarons: Seriously, Dudes, It Could Be a Lot Worse”

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This year I will make friends with our septic tank company guy just so I can say, “Another shitty day, man?”

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This year I will get more sleep, and not just at my kids’ sporting events and while driving.

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This year I will send a professional headshot of myself to the Austin American-Statesman newspaper because they’ve used this freaky deaky one at least five times when writing about me. I know, Virgil the Cat, I’m upset, too. I look like a Swedish children’s TV host whacked out on Xanax and coffee creamer. “Hullo, kids! Who’s ready to have sum of da FUN?!? Grab da glockenspiels!”

This year I will have the best year I’ve ever had, and to celebrate, I just downed a whole can of Chinese pork rinds from the Dollar Store! Yummy!

Wait.

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