Musical Potty Chairs
To Play: Give a group of diaperless toddlers juice boxes and purple Powerade to chug, then place plastic potty chairs in a row. There should be one fewer chair than the number of participants. Blast Katy Perry songs as the tots run around the chairs, then stop the music and yell, “Potty time!” Everyone must then race to sit down on one of the potty chairs. One chair and one toddler is removed each round until there is only one player left: the winner! The losers all destroy your wool area rug with pee.
Duck, Duck Grey Goose on the Rocks
To Play: A group of kids sit in a circle, facing inward, while you, the “mommy” walks around tapping each player in turn, calling each a “duck” until finally picking one to be a “grey goose.” The “grey goose” then rises and runs to refresh the ice cubes in the mommy’s vodka cocktail before it gets too watery. The game ends when the mommy takes off her bra and tells the kids all about the man she should have married instead.
Simon Says Twerk
To Play: Stick out your bottom and shake it back and forth like you’re in da club and your butt is having the type of seizure brought on by mixing prescription meds. Oops, you lost! Simon didn’t tell you to do that, did he? And guess what—neither did your parents. That’s why they’re now Googling “foreign nunneries that accept tweens.”
Pin the Baby on the Teenager
To Play: Hang a picture of a teenage girl on the wall. One at a time, each child is blindfolded and handed a paper “baby,” then they are spun around until dizzy. The disoriented children try to pin the baby on the teenager without falling down. The player who pins their baby closest to the uterus wins! The rest get a lecture about how abstinence-only education is a f–ing sham.
Follow-the-Leader of the Doomsday Cult
To Play: First a leader is chosen. This is usually the person with the biggest beard and/or the eyes most resembling those of Charles Manson’s at his peak lunacy. The children then line up behind the leader and mimic his actions (e.g. preaching “the prophecy,” calling the newspaper to tell them the date and time of the apocalypse, hopping around like a bunny.) Any players who fail to follow the leader lose the game, but they win the opportunity to later be deprogrammed by the FBI in a windowless van.
Blind Man’s Bluff In the Buff
To Play: Don’t even think about it.