Recently, a plastic surgeon made news when he began offering women a new procedure called “vacation boobs.” In this super fun and obviously very mentally and physically healthy activity, doctors insert saline directly into your breasts with no actual implant needed. Praise Hefner, they’ve cut out the middle man! Now, I’m not in the medical field, but I think the way it goes is the doctor is like Guy Fieri with a hypodermic needle and you’re like a Thanksgiving turkey waiting for a hot butter injection from a f*cking nutjob. Sexy, sexy, sexy times.
The saline shoots directly into your mammary cavity (?) and within seconds, you go from Olive Garden waitress to Hooters waitress. From Day Shift at Skankies to Prime Time shift at Jiggles. That’s right—va-va-voom! Boobs is a poppin’! Now, where my Southwest Air voucher ats? Me ‘n these D-cups gotta get to Tampa ASAP, bro! I’m jacked up with saline, and I need a TSA preboard so I can hit da clubz before I deflate! (That’s how vacation boob job ladies talk. I heard them in the Everything But Water dressing room.)
Unfortunately, there are a couple of downsides to this seemingly fool-proof plan. First, the tatas only last 24-hours. I’ve had mosquito bites that have lasted longer. And second, Baby’s Day of Boobage will set you back a cool $2,500-3,500. Yep, for the same amount of money needed to provide vaccines for a million children in Africa, you could have cleavage at the resort pool for a day. Which pretty much makes anyone who does this The Absolute Worst Person on the Planet For All Eternity Give or Take a Trump.
But maybe I’m just bitter because the only vacations I go on are Family Vacations and big boobs never seem to enter into our itinerary. (Well, not officially.) So that’s why I’m now suggesting a few new vacation boob options to fit into a mom’s lifestyle:
Saline is injected into a woman’s breasts until they swell into giant mouse ear shapes. For an extra $1,000, they’ll squeak, “See ya real soon!” when squeezed.
Grand Canyon Boobs
What could be more fun than taking in the natural geography of America’s biggest canyon with your own canyon between your two lumpy and widely spaced boobs? Pour a bottle of water in between them to simulate the Colorado River for your kids!
Dude Ranch Boobs
Is that a swollen heifer that needs ropin’? No, pardner, it’s just mommy sunbathing in her tube top.
Day 1: Wow! All of these men are buying mom drinks!
Day 2: Why did that guy just yell, “I hope you get the Norovirus, you fake boob scum!” at mom?
Hit the road with your new pillows and you’ll make record time as you speed down the highway. There’s no way in hell you’ll get a ticket after you flash Thelma and Louise at the cops! Not even in a school zone! (Tip: Make the most headway on day one because after that, you’ll be in cuffs.)
Boy Scout Camp Out Boobs
There’s no better way for boys to earn their “Douchebag Dude” badges than to see how much they like you when you’re a D-cup and how disgusting they think you are the next morning when you’re back to an A. “On my honor, I will do my best to not date anyone whose bra is leaking.”
Of course, you could instead get a padded bra for your trip to Orlando. Or a water bra. Or, even better, you could just decide to go on vacation and not give a shit what people think about your boobs while you’re having a good time. I’ll take two D-cups of that.
In other news, I have been very remiss at thanking a woman in Austin named Heather Amalaha of Gourmet By Numbers. Heather was very sweet and delivered a wonderful meal for four to my house a few weeks ago. Gourmet By Numbers has chef-inspired, pre-prepped dinners that come with very easy, numbered instructions so you can quickly make them yourself and spend less time cooking. (And we all know it needs to be super easy for me since my kitchen nickname is “Firestarter.”) The meal we had was breaded chicken, sauteed chard, and a truly amazing macaroni and cheese. All locally sourced, too, which is always great because I loathe getting my chard from Micronesia. Here’s some more info:
“Local entrepreneur Heather Amalaha is expanding her online gourmet meal kit delivery business, Gourmet by Numbers, to include a brick and mortar retail store located at 7318 McNeil Drive, Austin, Texas, 78729. Due to open its doors early 2015, the store will give Austinites the opportunity to conveniently shop for fresh, healthy meal kits and browse the menu options in person. The store will stock freshly made, chef-inspired meal kits and a selection of unique kitchen gifts and retail items.”
“Meal kits are assembled for up to four people that include fresh, pre-prepared ingredients that can be cooked at home in 30 minutes or less. Kits come equipped with easy-to-follow steps for cooking and can also be tailored for specific preferences or allergy requirements. The service takes out the time-consuming drudgery of shopping and prep work.”
Check them out if you’re in Austin!