I don’t have a lot of time and/or energy to write much of anything today, seeing as it’s now Day 3,405 of the boys’ Winter Break and we’ve now turned feral and are plotting against each other, but I still want to post something. Mostly because I have a lot of disjointed thoughts to share with someone and my husband is sick of hearing them. Or at least that’s the message I think he was trying to send when he gave me a Mexican wrestler mask with the mouth hole sewn shut for my Christmas present. (And don’t think I won’t be using that mask and calling myself “La Borracho Blondito” on the Juarez flabbyheavyweight circuit just as soon as I find a matching cape and boots, Chris.)
Anyway, at the risk of this turning into that weird newspaper column Larry King used to write where he said things like, “I wonder where clouds go on sunny days? Cloud vacation? Boy, howdy, that has my suspenders in a twist!”, here are a few random things:
1. Confessions.
Lately I’ve seen a lot of people say things on social media like this: CONFESSION: I’M GLAD CHRISTMAS IS OVER. Or this: CONFESSION: I REALLY HATE WAITING IN LINE.
Now, maybe I’m jaded, but isn’t a confession supposed to be like a deep, dark secret you’re finally letting out? Something that you’re maybe ashamed of, but really want to get out in the open so it doesn’t destroy your internal organs and brain parts? I mean, it definitely shouldn’t be something that 99% of the population also thinks. That’s just lame. Therefore, if you’re going to make a public confession, please do it right and make sure it’s something gross and disturbing enough to lose you friends and custodial rights to your pets.
Wrong way:
CONFESSION: HOT COFFEE BURNS MY TONGUE.
Right way:
CONFESSION: I HAVE A TATTOO OF ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL ON MY THIGH AND I SLOWLY LICK HIS FACE TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT. MMMMMMM. TASTE LIKE FARMER TED.
Make it worth our time, people. Disgust us.
2. Cheap Journalism
I briefly wrote about this on my Facebook page (which you should Like and why haven’t you Liked it? Is it because I capitalized Like? Is that also Lame?):
Here’s the story: For the past six months I’ve been a little confused about local news because the Austin newspaper’s website only gives you the first paragraph of a story, and if you want to read the rest, you have to pay for it. I’m too cheap to do that, so I’ve been making the endings up myself.
“The police captain said there was one big danger for residents.” AND THAT’S ROOFIES IN THE WATER SUPPLY.
“Next Tuesday, the commission will vote.” ON THE BILL TO LEGALIZE SUBURBAN PROSTITUTION.
“The Smith High School quarterback has only a few regrets.” LIKE WEARING LEATHER JEGGINGS DURING THE PLAYOFF GAME.
“The airport is excited to add new features in the coming year.” SPECIFICALLY, A MECHANICAL FOOT THAT CROTCH KICKS PASSENGERS IF THEY TRY TO USE A REFRIGERATOR BOX WITH A TAPED-ON HANDLE AS THEIR CARRY-ON.
Journalism is much more exciting this way.
Although I was a little confused when the City Council told me the Texas Rangers didn’t actually deputize all cats and Lola couldn’t have a pistol.
3. The Hallmark Store Guy
Right before Christmas, I was in the Hallmark store getting Marinka one of the I Love Snoopy! medallions she loves to wear for formal occasions and I couldn’t help but notice the older man in front of me. He was buying a Christmas card, an anniversary card and a Valentine’s Day card for his wife and told the cashier that he was giving her a “super big” present. The present was worth three presents, he said. So ever since then, I’ve been trying to figure out what it might be. A cruise? A luxury car? A diamond? A Mexican wrestler mask with the mouth sewn shut? IT’S DRIVING ME MAD, HALLMARK MAN. Please put the answer in the Austin newspaper. And be sure to keep it to one paragraph. Thank you.
4. It’s F-cking Freezing
It’s cold in Austin and I’m not talking about your wussy type of cold. I’m talking 17, 18 degrees cold. Like, plants be dying and shit cold. Our TexMex has a layer of frost on the frijoles cold. My toilet seat feels like the chilled salad plate at Sizzler cold. The longhorn bulls have Snuggies on their horns cold. It muthaf-cking cold, babies.
Unfortunately, I seem to have totally forgotten how to bitch about the cold because I usually spend most of my time bitching about the heat. I’m awesome at bitching about the heat. It’s kind of “my thing.” It’s in “my wheelhouse.” It’s “my jam.” Like this gem:
“I just lost five layers of skin from sitting on my scalding leather car seat. Jeezus, it was like a non-chemical ass peel.”
and
“Can we go to Africa to cool down for a few weeks? This tribesman on Snapchat told me it was only a brisk 120 degrees there and I think that’d be great for my complexion.”
To my great shame, my cold weather bitching is nowhere near that witty and comes across more like this:
“…………………can’t………….feel………………….wips……………..fro…….zen……to……core……..”
And then I stick my hands in a 350 degree oven for 20-30 minutes or until they’ve reached a crispy light brown on the top and pass the clean toothpick test.
5. Where do clouds go on sunny days?
Tell me, Larry, you sweet bastard, tell me. Because I think I want to go there, too.
Especially if school is back in session.

Um… you are better disjointed than most of us are jointed. Or something profound like that. Here’s hoping your skin passes the clean toothpick test.
WHERE ARE THE BENADRYL JOKES? I feel cheated.
Here’s the thing, I’m not a new agey doosbag or anything but I believe in Justin Timberlake philosophy – what goes around comes around- so I’m tryin to not bitch too much about single digit weather because in July and August in Georgia it will be 327 degrees. Damn, that was a long sentence.
also, I WANT MY KIDS TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I’m disturbingly impressed with your ability to lick your thigh tattoo… What kind of yoga do you do?
Buck up Wendi it is cold in ND so cold no school!!
-26 temperature plus wind chill
LOL! Painfully clever… which is the way I like it. “A non-chemical ass peel”- please tell me there isn’t a chemical ass peel?
Bitching about winter is my specialty, I’ve been doing it for at least 30 years. Your problem is you’ve gotten soft with that southern living. Plants have been dead a long time up here in the north. But I feel your pain. Temps in the teens is truly cold. It might even be freeze your nose hairs cold.
We got an emergency weather alert from the South Florida school system today because it could be in the 40s tomorrow. I don’t know how the florida kids are going to survive.
I’m impressed you managed these thoughts, no matter how disjointed. I’m still not even sure what day it is or where I need to be.
Holidays are confusing!
I read this post and all it made me want to say before anything else is I miss you. Now, that confession thing. that needs to be an entire post of confessions culled from FB now. no wimpy simpy ones but real disgustin’ stuff. Put it out there, the material will come.
I’m hunkered down in Austin right there with you sister! It’s horrifying! I had to buy MF Faucet Covers!!!!
That’s what you get for not paying to read the rest of Larry’s stuff.
I took the trash out this morning and my hands SHATTERED. It’s that cold. I’m typing this with my tongue. It took me 3 hours.
Not to brag, but it’s been 17 degrees here for a few months now. I power through it by staying indoors and licking my thigh tattoos.
I’m with you on the bitching about heat vs. cold. I was much more adept at the cold bitching when I lived in Michigan, but now, I’m just like, Hey, at least I’m not sweating under my boobs. You know?
I’m going to take over the cold bitching for you now. Don’t worry. Feels like -20 out there today and some woman is walking her be-sweatered dog while she wears ankle socks and cropped pants. You can’t fix stupid but you can give it frostbite!
Dammit, I wish I’d read this before I posted about burning my tongue on hot coffee this morning. Forgive me, Sensei.
Love, love the tattoo confession. Question though, do you lick his face so you can sleep or so your tattoo can sleep? I hope it’s the latter since that’s even weirder.
Let me know how the crotch kicking appliance works out, after my last trip I feel our airport could use it too.
I tried to comment the other day, and something broke. I had to come back to get this confession out.
I’m not licking Anthony Michael Hall or anything, but… There’s going to be a new TV show starring Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling; they’re amateur detectives. I’m excited about this. There’s more, along the lines of missing Jennie since the end of WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU (pre-crazy Amanda Bynes days), and I may follow Tori on Twitter.
You know what? I don’t feel any better. I do feel stupider. OMG is that even a word?