This morning I was at the grocery store and saw a kit to make Cake Pops. And, being a nice mother, I decided to buy it because my kids and husband love Cake Pops. Plus, at $2.49 for a box that makes 12, I figured it was a great deal because Cake Pops are usually $5 each at Starbucks and there’s no way I’m spending that much for one bite no matter how damn good it is.
I spent 30 minutes carefully measuring and mixing the cake mix, putting it in an 8×8 pan and then baking it for 12 minutes. I even stuck a f–ing toothpick in the middle to make sure it was all the way done. A toothpick. Then I waited until it was “completely cool” before I crumbed up the cake with my fingers and added in the frosting (that I’d carefully kneaded 12 times, per the instructions) and I rolled the resulting crap into 12 perfect balls. And they were perfect balls. Seriously, I didn’t rush it. My balls were beautiful and spherical and majestic. (Not like my matzo balls that look like they need a biopsy.)
I then put the balls into the refrigerator for 30-45 minutes, waited around, then took them out and melted the vanilla-chip coating in the microwave at 50% power for 30 second increments, stirring repeatedly. I TOTALLY DID THIS SHIT RIGHT.
But for some reason, after 1 minute the vanilla chips started to flame. Like, really flame. Which was really no surprise because Cooking + Wendi = Fire. Just ask my husband—I can make anything in the kitchen catch fire, even granite countertops. (We have not one, but two fire extinguishers under the sink.) I don’t know why this is, but it must be some kind of chemical reaction or Norwegian alchemy or dumbassery on my part.
I persevered, however, and put out the flames. Then the chips finally melted into some sticky, sticky goop—hooray! Only the goop was kind of chunky with singe marks. Like Snooki used to be back when she was first on MTV. Yet I continued my Cake Pop Experience and merrily rolled the balls in the hardening-by-the-minute vanilla coating, then I added the happy, colorful sprinkles to them and voila!
Gorgeous, right? Who wouldn’t be completely proud of all the time and effort that went into making such a delicious treat for their family? Any woman would be prouder than proud to have whipped those up in her kitchen.
That’s some picture I found on CakeCentral.com.
Here are my Cake Pops:
My husband said they looked like something a homicidal clown would shove down his victims’ throats before he strangled them to death with a licorice rope.
Call me, Food Network!