MONDAY
Go through the drive-thru at Starbucks because I can’t go inside because I’m not wearing a bra. Because it’s too hot to wear a bra. Even though it’s apparently not too hot to drink coffee. Is that what’s called cognitive dissonance? I don’t know, I went to public school. But that still doesn’t mean the dummies at Maidenform shouldn’t get off the stick and make lingerie with built-in fans. (Possible name: The Boobie Breezer)
When it’s finally my turn to pay at Starbucks, the clerk hears the Barry Manilow disco remix I’m blasting in my Volvo and I can tell she’s impressed by the way she wrinkles her nose and slightly gags. I announce, “Oh, yes, I’m the number 3 Google search result for ‘Fanilow‘” but if you think that gets you a free latte in America, well, you’d be wrong.
TUESDAY
Arrive two minutes late to pick the boys up from baseball camp. Nine-year-old Jack sees me, then crosses his arms, narrows his eyes and announces, “Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to show up.”
Later, Jack discovers how much fun cleaning baseboards can be.
WEDNESDAY
Glance outside and see the neighbor’s dog Max standing in our pool with a confused expression. Max is roughly 12,000 years old, never has any idea where he is and he’ll eat absolutely anything, so it’s kind of like looking in a mirror. After feeding him a bowl of expired pita chips, we take him back home. Ten minutes later, he sneaks back into our pool. I let him stay, but only because he makes me look a little less hairy in my swimsuit.
Max and Sam walking home. Again.
THURSDAY
Wake up to find a very expensive blender in the kitchen. Wonder if I was somehow on a game show the night before and that’s my prize. Check legs for game show bruises. Husband then reminds me about our drunk date night that started in a fancy restaurant and ended in the freezer section of Costco. “Remember? You kept yelling PULSE THAT MELON, CHACHI! at the demo lady,” he says. “Then you choked on an organic cracker sample and had to rest up in the furniture aisle. I’d say it was one of our better dates.”
The expensive blender means every meal in the Aarons household is now liquid. Liquid turkey? Yes.
FRIDAY
Go to yoga class even though the instructor is a woman we all call “Masculine Energy Tami.” Masculine Energy Tami (MET) hasn’t liked me since I once called her “Sir” at Jamba Juice, so I just keep my mouth shut and do my downward dog without making any unnecessary eye contact. But then during the final Svendeleena, or whatever they call the time when you’re supposed to lie still like you’re a crime scene body waiting for a chalk outline, MET approaches me and begins to roughly massage my sweaty head. I choke back the words, “No touchy, mister” while a single tear quietly drips onto my yoga mat. And people wonder why I’m always so tense.
SATURDAY
Day ruined by liquid kale.
SUNDAY
Take kids to Seaworld aka Hell: The Fish Edition. Enjoy the parade of male tank tops and ladies with baby feet tattoos. Kids go on the river raft ride ten times in a row, once with a big bearded guy who tells them his name is “Parole Violation.” Day ends on a high note when husband yells, “I taste Shamu!” when taking a bite of his Seaworld sandwich.
That night, I wipe the melted ice cream and cigarette butts off my feet and smile, thinking that summer will be over in nine weeks.
One way or another.
I am forcing my husband to read this because he totally believes Sea World will be a magical fun good time vacation.
Do they serve wine on the rides? Cuz that’s the only way they’re getting me to go.
“hooter coolers”
Gem!
You should keep some bras in the freezer, and then stow them in a coolbag with some ice/gel packs, ready for when you need all your cool.
I cannot assist with the fitting, unfortunately, but I’m sure it would make for a gem of a post.
I plump for Boobsicles. What a sigh is there…
My favorite kind of post.
xo
I have had days ruined by liquid kale, too.
Laughing out loud. I think the bra-in-freezer idea is brilliant, btw.
Maybe you should try the hot yoga classes…you will be sweating so much nobody will notice the tears.
Hmm, I need to take notes on what to do on a date in order to procure a Vitamix.
I put an ice pack in my bra last night after Zumba. I would have put one in my pants, too, but it was on the bottom shelf of the freezer and I was to sore to bend that far. Today I moved all the ice packs to the top shelf for easy access after tomorrow’s class…
Sea World sounds like fun. Or not. My grandchildren will be here soon and I think I’ll skip our version—Six Flags and Whitewater.
Max is roughly 12,000 years old, never has any idea where he is and he’ll eat absolutely anything, so it’s kind of like looking in a mirror
I love you.
We have a community pool at the clubhouse in our subdivision, but no dogs are allowed in. But something’s in that water. I mean, besides toddler urine.
My skin is itching all over. Now I know what they mean by deadliest catch.
BTW: Gem!