If you’re a human with a television set, no doubt you’ve seen a lot of this guy recently:
He’s known as “The Zesty Guy” and he stars in commercials for Kraft Italian salad dressing. Or at least that’s what I think he’s selling. I actually don’t watch ads very often because it’s 2013 and I have a DVR and a thumb. Plus, whenever I see a shirtless man, I immediately assume the channel somehow got changed to “Cops” and honestly, who has the time to watch Methmouth lead the five-ohs on a foot chase through an Albuquerque Dollar Store again? Not me, Jack.
Still, it’s become very hard to avoid this particular shirtless wonder because he’s on TV constantly. And in magazine ads, too. Like this one:
“Whew! Naked lawn darts just exhaust me, Millicent! Thank God this Kraft dressing is so refreshing to chug! Uh-oh—I feel fire ants! GRAB MY BAGUETTE AND COMMENCE TO WHACKING.”
I don’t know, maybe this six-pack action works for some women, but all it does for me is make me worried that I’m going to find a stray pit hair in my arugula.
Which is still better than the other thought I have while looking at him: “Thank goodness he’s selling Italian dressing and not Ranch dressing, otherwise…”
Anyway, because it’s summer and I have nothing better to do than lose my will to live, I was all set to wage a war against Kraft’s pandering, annoying advertising until I saw that I’d be joining forces with the conservative One Million Moms’ group who is very upset about the “g*nitals” and “s*x” these ads imply. (Yes, they actually use asterisks.) They say that the Zesty Salad campaign is “the most disgusting ad…we have ever seen Kraft produce.” Obviously those chicks don’t remember this glorious ad:
That’s right, gourmands. It’s a “salad” made with Jell-O, marshmallows and a product that must have come straight from heaven itself—Miracle Whip. I mean, Jesus H. Kraft. If you uptight million moms are looking for something to protest, PROTEST THIS F-IN VOMIT FEST. Even starving kids in Africa would look at this creation and say, “You know what? I’m good with sand.”
The One Million Moms, for those of you who don’t know, is a group of a million moms (give or take 999,999 moms) and they try to rid the world of evil things that are destroying our children’s futures. Evil things like Ellen DeGeneres, Disneyland’s Gay Pride Day and a Geico ad that they claim “promotes bestiality” because a pig flirts with a lady on an airplane. (And take it from me, that pig is one sexy motherf-er.) As well as anything else that doesn’t fit into their narrow view of how things should be in a “moral society.”
Now, I personally think that spending your days boycotting people you disagree with and not teaching tolerance harms your children’s future way more than a fun gay guy dancing to “Gangnam Style” with Goofy on Main Street, but maybe that’s just me. I probably have my progressive he*d stuck up my f*cking a** and need a swift kick to my g*d*mn g*nitals.
So, friends, this is obviously a very confusing time for me. Should I protest? Should I not protest? Should I start recording “Cops” again because, now that I think about it, I really sort of miss Methmouth and his flaming drug acne? I don’t know. I really don’t. Maybe what I should do is just relax, grab a bottle of wine and a bowl of salad and head to the park for a picnic.
Shirtless, of course.