After a lot of deliberation, a lot of worry and a lot of thought, I’ve decided that it’s time I share something very important with all of you today. After all, some of you have been reading my blog for quite a long time and therefore, I owe it to you to be honest. That’s the least I can do. So while this revelation isn’t going to be easy to make, I feel it’s become necessary to tell you all what’s going on with me.
I’ve written a book.
Now, before you get all excited and say “Congratulations, I’m sure it’ll win the Pulitzer!”, I need to warn you that this isn’t a book everyone will love or, for that matter, even condone. It’s not “Funny Mommy Momentz!!!” or an “Adventures of a Suburban Wino” type book. Not at all. (Although that last title is pretty damn spectacular, now that I think about it. Trademark, please.)
The fact is that I could have taken a crack at writing a book like that, a total parenting-humor crowd-pleaser, but in my opinion, that market’s pretty damn saturated. I mean, seriously—how many more hilarious scatological anecdotes can our nation take? We get it, moms. Your kids are poop machines. LOL LOL LOL for the love of god please stop.
Anyway, for my first book, I wanted to write something that still targets the mom crowd, but in a completely different genre. And this is where I might lose some of you. Because that genre is—erotica. As in the genre of the best selling book of the past year, “50 Shades of Grey.” (Also soon to be a movie that hopefully won’t star Kevin James.)
I’m a little bit nervous to type that word, “erotica,” because I know some of you may judge me, but please realize that I wanted to be strategic and write something that had a surefire chance of success. The “50 Shades of Grey” trilogy is a total phenomenon—with headline after headline like “Moms Love Sexy Reading!”—so it seemed like a no-brainer. Experts say “write what the market will support,” so that’s what I did.
However, while “50 Shades” is about a mysterious billionaire and his 21-year-old submissive girlfriend, I wanted my book to really target moms. I wanted to give them a story they would feel was their own humdrum life writ large and, well, super naked and sweaty. And that’s why the name of my soon-to-be-self-published book is this: PTO PASSION
“PTO PASSION” is the hot, spicy tale of PTO President Raquella Roberts who falls hard for the mysterious, hunky owner of the dunk tank she rented for the school carnival. I don’t want to give too much of the plot away, but just know that there’s an amazingly torrid scene between Raquella and Wet Tommy that involves yoga pants, clipboards and the back of a dented Honda minivan. (HOT.) And if you thought the S&M scenes in “50 Shades” were intense, just wait until you see what Raquella does to Wet Tommy when he forgets the volunteer-sign up sheet on Field Day. Trust me, I had to drink a lot of wine when writing that naughty bit!
But in all seriousness, I have to say that I know PTO Erotica isn’t the kind of thing you’d expect from me, a humor writer and rescue cat owner. And I’m sorry if I’ve upset any of you. It wasn’t my intent.
That said, I sincerely hope you’ll continue to offer your support. The absolute last thing I want to do is isolate any of my readers and friends. So if you would please consider buying a copy (or two!) of my book, it’d mean the world to me. The absolute world. “PTO PASSION” and it’s sequel “THE R-RATED ROOM MOM” will be available on Amazon.com, Ebay and at your finer flea markets everywhere starting today, April 1st.
Oh, yeah, that’s right. Today is April 1st.
Gotcha.
Well, wait! What the hell did I just put into my Amazon cart?!?!
Crap! I was looking forward to a suburban romp with erotica between innings, while I watch my sons’ little league games.
Crap! I was looking forward to a suburban romp with erotica between innings, while I watch my sons’ little league games.
This is good. This is good. Because no one will ever expect what I’ve been working on. Never. Or they will. I’m not sure.
I don’t talk about poop a lot at all. Sometimes I talk about potty training, because, unfortunately, that’s my life right now, but I’d like to think I provide readers with a more than adequate variety of topics. Aagh! Do I talk about poop a lot?!? I don’t think I do. Now I’m freaking out.
Not upset. Just freaking out.
You seriously had me going for a while. That was better than all the years I put salt into my mother’s sugar bowl on April 1 and she fell for it and put it in her coffee. Even better than that.
I was looking forward to picking up your book, a box of wine and a bag of cheetos and holing up in my bedroom for the weekend. Way to spoil my day, Wendi!
Ha ha ha! As soon as I read the word “erotica” I burst out laughing. Just wait, though… someone is going to decide that he or she really likes that plot and will steal it.
You had me. And I had Dunk Tank Man in a MiniVan set for my mental DVR. DAMN YOU.
I knew at “self publish” this was a farce. But, if you come to MomCom, you’ll be able to meet Desiree Holt, erotica writer and 76 year old granny. She’s the opening speaker. Maybe you could get some tips.
Oh, you’re good. You totally had me at dunk tank.
Don’t rule this one out, Wendi…
I didn’t believe you for a second… well, okay maybe a little, but you used words like “nervous” and “deliberation” – I don’t see you hand wringing very often.
I’m too smart for you, Wendi… maybe…
Someone’s gonna steal that idea now …
I hate this freaking holiday. I am so gullible. I was already murmuring, “Wet Tommy, Wet Tommy.”
You had me for a few, then I realize the title and the self publishing note, and I started laughing, but of course it would have been a best seller.
Not cool to mess with me on day one of my low carb diet—and using Kevin James’ name in vain A-GAIN.
I knew you had to be busting our chops but I think the humor/erotica angle has some potential. I mean, I laughed my way thru Fitty Shades and EL laughed all the way to the bank–don’t be so fast on discarding PTO PASSION!!!!
You had me until the dunk-tank man.
While this may just be another April Fool’s joke to you, I see $$$, and hear the merry tinkle of the cash register. Reconsider, O Witty One! This could fund that retirement your hubby is planning for you!
I would have thrown down for the second level Kickstarter reward for this baby. Maybe even the third.
Oh, Wendi Aarons, I hate April Fools Day but I love you.
Wait a minute.
Before you relegate PTO PASSION to an April Fool’s joke, consider this:
Barry Manilow starring as Wet Tommy.
Oh yeah.
Who’s laughing now?
I could not resist.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DIW15dM7W18/UVocvsTrJbI/AAAAAAAADNM/4OY9Els82AU/s1600/dunk1.jpg
Darn, I was really hoping you’d written an erotic novel. It would’ve been a riot. Maybe you should consider actually writing it.
I’m not reading any more of your posts on my iPhone because I somehow missed the April 1st and gotcha part at the end because I was too busy clicking over to Amazon to buy it.
You know what? YOU DID IT. You got me.
And because I love you so much, I was okay with it all.
xo
I was completely hooked and giving you a high five. I think women read more erotica than they are willing to admit and enjoy reading it. Take good writing (not dumpy, unoriginal writing) add some sex to it and I’ll read it. Why is it so hard for women to own up to their sexuality (not you) just thinking out loud about how we have to protect ourselves when someone wants to know if we’re reading “trash”.
Now you’ve got to write it!
Please write. You have that “make your own sex toy” book as a reference…
You totally got me with this.
I do think this would be a hilarious book!
I love flea market erotica, and I’m very sad this book will not grace my bathroom reading basket.
Well done Wendy! you nailed it!