I’ve made no secret of the fact that I hate children’s movies. Okay, fine, “hate” might be too strong a word. I really, really don’t like childre—nope. I just remembered that shitstorm Space Chimps. I think we’re good with “hate.”
But because I have two sons and I’m a very nice mother, I wind up seeing almost every children’s movie that comes out. The only way I’ve managed to survive them at all is to sit in the top row of the theater and watch The Mary Tyler Moore Show on my iPhone during the film. It’s a trick that usually works like a charm, however I’ve learned that I still have to pay attention to at least one scene so I can later cite it when my kids ask me which part was my favorite. Once I responded with, “The part where Mary and Rhoda ate the cake!” and my jig was almost up. I must protect my jig.
Then a couple of weeks ago my genius system was put to the test again when I found myself walking into the movie theater with five kids. FIVE. I’m still not sure how that happened. I’m assuming either someone slipped a roofie into my box of wine or I went into a fugue state after Spin class and one of my devious friends took advantage of me. Who knows. At any rate, I was like a f***ing Duggar at the multiplex that day. (Albeit a Duggar with incredible hair and the ability to pronounce the word “Icee” in less than six syllables.)
I had four boys with me, all easily controlled with buttloads of popcorn and the threat of kissing them in public, and one girl, Allie. Allie is pretty much my favorite 11-year-old girl in the world because she’s basically a middle-aged curmudgeon in pink sparkly tennis shoes. I always have to stop myself from gossiping about who’s getting divorced and why with her because I forget she’s only in the fifth grade.
Last summer we had a party at our house and all of the kids were outside throwing rocks at each other while the moms drank wine and told funny stories in the living room. Guess where Allie was? Right next to me listening to every word. Seriously, if she started shopping at Chico’s and getting hormone replacement therapy, nobody would blink an eye. She’s like my four-foot-high, less wrinkly twin. (Lucky Allie!)
The movie we were there to see that day was some stupid animated thing involving aliens, and we quickly realized that the rest of the neighborhood had had the same idea as us because the screening room was packed. So packed, in fact, that we couldn’t sit in my usual back row and had to take seats somewhere in the middle. AKA the worst possible place to use your iPhone without someone complaining. I immediately began to panic that I’d actually have to watch the alien crapfest, or try to sleep, but then I remembered that Allie was next to me. And here’s how Allie saved me that day in the movie theater:
During the trailer for a movie starring The Rock:
Me: Every graduate of the Yale School of Drama is now slowly killing themselves with a garden tool.
Allie: I know, right? Take me outta my misery, rake!
_
During the trailer for an animated movie about cave people:
Allie: How many fart jokes do you think that masterpiece will have?
Me: At least 100. Maybe 102 but the director probably can’t count that high.
(low chuckles, high fives)
_
During the alien movie’s first act when one alien burps on another:
Me: “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeBUUUURRPPPP.”
Allie: Wow, talk about pandering.
Boys: HAHAHAHAHAHA! BURP!
_
During the sudden outburst from the toddler behind us:
Allie: It’s called Benadryl. Look into it.
Me: PREACH.
–
During the scene where two alien sidekicks show up:
Me: Oh, a wacky character voiced by George Lopez. How original.
Allie: What, was Tracy Morgan busy? LAME.
–
During the end credits when some of the audience started to applaud:
Me: Dear God.
Allie: I wish my parents let me carry a taser.
And so on. You get the idea. The entire movie just flew by that day with Allie’s help and for that, I’m forever in her debt. Now if I can only convince her parents to let me take her with me to Oliver Stone’s next movie. I hear it has some burping in it.
______
That’s awesome. Her parents have clearly raised her right and should consider renting her out.
Can I borrow Allie Wednesday?
I have to see that Wizard of Oz movie.
And NO ONE should have to sit through a James Franco
Movie without an Allie or a pocket knife cause ,you know,
it’s like sitting for “127 hours.”
Am I right Allie??!
I see great daughter-in-law potential!
I’m seriously considering, I mean re-considering how I raise my children. I want an Allie.
Can I book both you and Allie for a month or so this summer? I’m going to be guilt tripped into countless kiddie movies with a friend’s daughter while said friend conveniently “goes into labor” and “has a baby.” Like those are real excuses for abandoning me to the horror that is 90 minutes of animation!
I love Allie! She’s clearly wise beyond her years!
6 kids and 21 years, and Larry and I just refuse to see stuff like this. It was a vow we made to each other long ago, in a video store. I was pregnant with out first, and we both spotted the same movie at once: The Brave Little Toaster. We turned to each other and said, “Never. We are not going to let parenthood do that to us.” And we haven’t. Of course, we’ve let parenthood do a lot of other awful things to us, but NOT THAT.
Of course, I may have just jinxed us with that comment. I shouldn’t gloat.
And hey, another Mary Tyler Moore fan here. Plus, Barry Manilow. We may have been separated at birth.
Did you just compare having 5 kids to the Duggar’s?! Our friendship is on the rocks.
Are you sure this child isn’t related to you somehow?
I don’t know Allie but I already adore her.
I had something funny to say until I read Kelcey’s comment about comparing 5 kids to the Duggar family and started cracking up!
Allie’s going to become the best friend I dragged to Disney World in an attempt to temper the cynicism. Worked out great until I married someone just like her.
“Was Tracy Morgan busy?” I LOVE HER!
Preach! So funny.
As of a mom of four boys (pause for reaction) I would not get through this life without my very own mini-me, my niece Sam. She may look like her Mom but she gets her cynical outlook on life from me…PREACH! (Really…that was my favorite part!)
Hilarious! Definitely find a way to keep Allie around.
Preach.
I’m seeing a screenplay come out of this post – a buddy cop pic for Meryl Streep to do as a duel role. Eddie Murphy to play all four boys.
This is no coincidence, Wendi.
The mental cosmic similarities: too eerie. She’s your daughter from another dimension.
I’ll arrange the twitter baby shower.
Congrats! Is she what, about a size 12?
Why did you have to mention Space Chimps? WHY?
Flat-out awesome.
Is Allie on twitter and can I borrow her sparkly kicks??
I’m with @Hope in Allie envy! I have two boys and hoping to add a third to our dysfunctional family (@Kelcey hoping for a Party of Five!) and not solely to throw a Pinterest baby shower. I must admit, while I do enjoy not having to share oh…anything, I would thoroughly enjoy to sit in the movie theatre with a mini-me, judging pretty much everyone and conveniently forgetting her age as I gossip about Kim K’s post baby wardrobe.
I miss you!!
Any way you can work out an arranged marriage between your son and this Allie? It might be worth the public disapproval just to keep her around. I am more scared of that caveman movie than anything else in my world at this moment. When do they reach an age when you can just send them into the theater by themselves and then go next door and watch the movie you want to see? It’s soon, right? Right?
Allie sounds like a gem.
If she’s not available for rental and/or marriage to Sam, I will happily offer up my Ella. Similar sense of humor with less sparkly footwear.
Plus, you seem like you’d be a bad-ass mom-in-law. Which would make us…what?…sisters-in-law once removed? Bonus.
Allie sounds like an awesome movie partner, so you def should keep her around.