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And That’s Why

by Wendi // January 23, 2013

“In your opinion, which type of glitter goes best with a live chicken sacrifice?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Michael’s Crafts.

“I propose that we solve our budget problem by training squirrels to attack Mrs. Hanson from Windswept Drive.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at HOA meetings.

“Hey, could you dudes put on some gloves and look for my contact lens?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to talk to our garbage men.

“I want something that says ‘Impotent Third World Dictator,’ but cute.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Lenscrafters.

“Can you get pregnant from licking the restroom doorhandles at the Chevron station? Please advise.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome on the WebMD message boards.

“Yes, what’s your return policy on thong underwear? Mine’s chafing.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Victoria’s Secret.

“Any you chubby losers wanna help me figure out my cup size?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Starbucks.

“Well, obviously, Jeremy, I realized a little too late that I had an ice pick in my pocket.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the bounce house place.

“Does size matter when it comes to bananas? Or just cucumbers? How many inches is yours, sir?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in the produce section.

“I just gave myself a blood transfusion in my Volvo, so suck it, losers!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Spin class.

“I don’t want to be a tattletale, but I smelled GMOs on my bagger’s breath.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Whole Foods.

“WATCH OUT, DANIEL DAY LINCOLN! YOU BOUT BE POPPED! BOOM, BOOM!! AWWW, HE DEAD NOW. WHERE HIS HAT ATS?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in the movie theater.

“Raise your hand if you think Jennifer’s new haircut makes her look like White Rick James!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at bible study.

“I had NO IDEA that mattresses plus rum plus cigarettes equals a five alarm fire. I’m not a f**cking scientist, officer.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Embassy Suites.

“But I thought those women wanted to know they had soup in their mustaches!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Panera Bread.

“Crop circles. Lots of ‘em!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the bikini wax salon.

“I taste beak.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in Chick-Fil-A.

 

I don’t know what these are called, if they’re even called anything, but they’re fun to write. Add your own in the comments since you were all more funny than me on the blow dry salon post. (scowl)

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Comments

  1. Musings on Motherhood and Mid-Life says:
    January 23, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    “Here’s your goody bags kiddies. What’s in them? Real scissors (not the hard-to-use-plastic ones), yummy jawbreaker candies, your own mini ant farm, a large latex balloon, and my very own homemade Koolaid.”

    And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to my daughter’s birthday party celebrations at her preschool

  2. Cristina says:
    January 23, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    “I want to shove one of your 12-inchers down my throat.”

    And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Subway.

  3. Lovelyn says:
    January 23, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    “Excuse me, but do you have a photocopier a that’s a bit lower. I can’t get my butt on comfortably on this one,” and that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Kinkos.

  4. Monica Ballard says:
    January 23, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    “Instead of the wafer, could I have two or three sips of the wine? Sort of ‘hair of the dog’ after last night, know what I’m sayin’, Father?”

    And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at St. Mary’s Cathedral.

  5. Sue says:
    January 23, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    “Is there any reason you’re icing down beer at 7am when all the coffee pots except the shitbag decaf are empty?”

    And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Circle K.

  6. Lil says:
    January 24, 2013 at 12:02 am

    I’ve got nothing. That said, I think I love you, Wendi Aarons. Hilarious!

  7. Lady J says:
    January 24, 2013 at 2:36 am

    Long time lurker, first time commenter. The “Daniel Day-Lincoln” one gave me the best laugh I’ve had in weeks. Thank you!

    My attempt:
    “Is it possible to test and compare these in store so I can decide which one to buy?”
    And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in the personal grooming appliance section of Briscoes (…and the towel section… and the linen section…and the toothbrush section…)

    Nowhere near as funny as yours but the best I got.

  8. tracy@sellabitmum says:
    January 24, 2013 at 7:05 am

    Crop Circles – Totally rad idea!

  9. When I Blink says:
    January 24, 2013 at 7:14 am

    “Daniel Day Lincoln… Where your hat ats?”

    OH my God, I love the weirdness.

  10. Cathy The Frazzled Mom says:
    January 24, 2013 at 7:19 am

    “I really enjoyed the last Winter Olympics, especially the Luge and Figure Skating. I mean, we all know that the Winter Olympics are held just so white people can feel relevant.” That’s why I’m no longer allowed to write Letters to the Editor.

    You’re my Muse, Wendi! Love your work!

  11. Arnebya says:
    January 24, 2013 at 8:59 am

    “Can I blow your whistle?” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed to speak to traffic cops.

    “That shit cray.” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed to visit psychiatric wards.

  12. Kizz says:
    January 24, 2013 at 9:17 am

    At least Kelly Clarkson wasn’t lip syncing! – And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Beyonce’s house.

  13. Missy @ Wonder, Friend says:
    January 24, 2013 at 10:14 am

    “So, uh, this Captain Underpants character… Is he pretty hot?” And this is why I’m no longer allowed to volunteer in the elementary school library.

  14. Missy @ Wonder, Friend says:
    January 24, 2013 at 10:15 am

    I swear, auto-correct changed That’s (admittedly typed with a typo, but still) to ‘this is.’ THAT’S not the kind of help I need, auto-correct.

  15. Happy Woman says:
    January 24, 2013 at 10:24 am

    “I see the plane, open the damn door and let me on it…why yes, I’ve had several bloody marys, what’s it to ya little man??” and that’s why I’m not allowed to fly Delta. (Southwest has a way better sense of humor! True story…)

  16. Kath says:
    January 24, 2013 at 10:34 am

    “Do you have one that vibrates?” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed at the gynecologist office.

  17. Alan S. Pastonson says:
    January 24, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Can I have a large steak that is covered in sawdust and tastes mostly of gristle?
    I’m sorry Sir, I couldn’t possibly serve you a steak like that.
    And why not? That’s what you gave me yesterday.
    And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Genghis McCann, the local butcher.

  18. rojopaul says:
    January 24, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Daniel Day Lincoln and Crop Circles were laugh out loud funny. And your readers are funny too. Funny stuff.

  19. Alan S. Pastonson says:
    January 24, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    I propose these should be called ‘whynos’.
    This is in keeping with The Mouthy Housewives who are all whynos.

  20. Nancy Davis Kho says:
    January 24, 2013 at 6:24 pm

    “When he smiles, do the sides of his mouth meet at the back of his head?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Manilow concerts.

  21. dusty earth mother says:
    January 24, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    “And you should have seen the size of those mosquitoes on my recent trip to sub-Saharan Africa!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the BloodMobile.

  22. Lone_Star_00 says:
    January 24, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    “High school football on a Friday night? No, I think I’d rather find a nice French restaurant and order a tasty burgundy” And that’s why I am not welcome in Texas any more.

  23. anne says:
    January 25, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Am sick laughing.

  24. Cheryl S. says:
    January 25, 2013 at 10:39 am

    In answer to the question, “Things you believe should be added to the aftercare program” — Open Bar

    And that’s why my mom is no longer welcome at aftercare. True story.

  25. Suebob says:
    January 25, 2013 at 10:48 am

    “I know you call this one ‘Fresh Linen,’ but it seems more like ‘Cat Pee on a Radiator’ to me.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Yankee Candle.

    “Do you have any in a box? None, at all? You’re kidding, right?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome on the winery tour bus.

  26. Kim S says:
    January 25, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    “Clean your room! Take out the trash! Feed the dog! Stop playing video games! Get off your iPhone! Go to bed!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at home.

  27. Becky says:
    January 26, 2013 at 7:16 am

    “No I didn’t use crunchy peanut butter in this recipe.”

    And that is why I no longer wear press on nails. Or get asked to make anything for the PTA bake sale.

  28. Marinka says:
    January 26, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    “I’ll just cut and paste this unto my site!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to read Wendi’s blog.

  29. Leigh Ann says:
    January 28, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    “You’re not modest, are you? ‘Cause your shit’s gonna be ALLLLL out on display for everyone to see.” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed to talk to pregnant women.

  30. Sondra says:
    January 30, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    “Ewwww…. what’s going on with all that hair in your ears???” And that’s why I’m not allowed in our bed for awhile.

  31. Alex says:
    January 30, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    “Is it really true that dogs will lick peanut butter off of anything?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the animal shelter.

  32. Marquitta says:
    February 16, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Why is the sky blue?, How are volcanoes made?, Where is the Holy Grail?, Is there a anti-aging formula?, What is the meaning of life?
    That’s why I’m no longer allowed in Sherman Williams. – Sorry I know I’m corny.

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