“In your opinion, which type of glitter goes best with a live chicken sacrifice?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Michael’s Crafts.
“I propose that we solve our budget problem by training squirrels to attack Mrs. Hanson from Windswept Drive.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at HOA meetings.
“Hey, could you dudes put on some gloves and look for my contact lens?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to talk to our garbage men.
“I want something that says ‘Impotent Third World Dictator,’ but cute.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Lenscrafters.
“Can you get pregnant from licking the restroom doorhandles at the Chevron station? Please advise.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome on the WebMD message boards.
“Yes, what’s your return policy on thong underwear? Mine’s chafing.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Victoria’s Secret.
“Any you chubby losers wanna help me figure out my cup size?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Starbucks.
“Well, obviously, Jeremy, I realized a little too late that I had an ice pick in my pocket.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the bounce house place.
“Does size matter when it comes to bananas? Or just cucumbers? How many inches is yours, sir?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in the produce section.
“I just gave myself a blood transfusion in my Volvo, so suck it, losers!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Spin class.
“I don’t want to be a tattletale, but I smelled GMOs on my bagger’s breath.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Whole Foods.
“WATCH OUT, DANIEL DAY LINCOLN! YOU BOUT BE POPPED! BOOM, BOOM!! AWWW, HE DEAD NOW. WHERE HIS HAT ATS?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in the movie theater.
“Raise your hand if you think Jennifer’s new haircut makes her look like White Rick James!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at bible study.
“I had NO IDEA that mattresses plus rum plus cigarettes equals a five alarm fire. I’m not a f**cking scientist, officer.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Embassy Suites.
“But I thought those women wanted to know they had soup in their mustaches!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Panera Bread.
“Crop circles. Lots of ‘em!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the bikini wax salon.
“I taste beak.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in Chick-Fil-A.
I don’t know what these are called, if they’re even called anything, but they’re fun to write. Add your own in the comments since you were all more funny than me on the blow dry salon post. (scowl)
“Here’s your goody bags kiddies. What’s in them? Real scissors (not the hard-to-use-plastic ones), yummy jawbreaker candies, your own mini ant farm, a large latex balloon, and my very own homemade Koolaid.”
And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to my daughter’s birthday party celebrations at her preschool
“I want to shove one of your 12-inchers down my throat.”
And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Subway.
“Excuse me, but do you have a photocopier a that’s a bit lower. I can’t get my butt on comfortably on this one,” and that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Kinkos.
“Instead of the wafer, could I have two or three sips of the wine? Sort of ‘hair of the dog’ after last night, know what I’m sayin’, Father?”
And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at St. Mary’s Cathedral.
“Is there any reason you’re icing down beer at 7am when all the coffee pots except the shitbag decaf are empty?”
And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Circle K.
I’ve got nothing. That said, I think I love you, Wendi Aarons. Hilarious!
Long time lurker, first time commenter. The “Daniel Day-Lincoln” one gave me the best laugh I’ve had in weeks. Thank you!
My attempt:
“Is it possible to test and compare these in store so I can decide which one to buy?”
And that’s why I’m no longer welcome in the personal grooming appliance section of Briscoes (…and the towel section… and the linen section…and the toothbrush section…)
Nowhere near as funny as yours but the best I got.
Crop Circles – Totally rad idea!
“Daniel Day Lincoln… Where your hat ats?”
OH my God, I love the weirdness.
“I really enjoyed the last Winter Olympics, especially the Luge and Figure Skating. I mean, we all know that the Winter Olympics are held just so white people can feel relevant.” That’s why I’m no longer allowed to write Letters to the Editor.
You’re my Muse, Wendi! Love your work!
“Can I blow your whistle?” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed to speak to traffic cops.
“That shit cray.” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed to visit psychiatric wards.
At least Kelly Clarkson wasn’t lip syncing! – And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Beyonce’s house.
“So, uh, this Captain Underpants character… Is he pretty hot?” And this is why I’m no longer allowed to volunteer in the elementary school library.
I swear, auto-correct changed That’s (admittedly typed with a typo, but still) to ‘this is.’ THAT’S not the kind of help I need, auto-correct.
“I see the plane, open the damn door and let me on it…why yes, I’ve had several bloody marys, what’s it to ya little man??” and that’s why I’m not allowed to fly Delta. (Southwest has a way better sense of humor! True story…)
“Do you have one that vibrates?” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed at the gynecologist office.
Can I have a large steak that is covered in sawdust and tastes mostly of gristle?
I’m sorry Sir, I couldn’t possibly serve you a steak like that.
And why not? That’s what you gave me yesterday.
And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Genghis McCann, the local butcher.
Daniel Day Lincoln and Crop Circles were laugh out loud funny. And your readers are funny too. Funny stuff.
I propose these should be called ‘whynos’.
This is in keeping with The Mouthy Housewives who are all whynos.
“When he smiles, do the sides of his mouth meet at the back of his head?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Manilow concerts.
“And you should have seen the size of those mosquitoes on my recent trip to sub-Saharan Africa!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the BloodMobile.
“High school football on a Friday night? No, I think I’d rather find a nice French restaurant and order a tasty burgundy” And that’s why I am not welcome in Texas any more.
Am sick laughing.
In answer to the question, “Things you believe should be added to the aftercare program” — Open Bar
And that’s why my mom is no longer welcome at aftercare. True story.
“I know you call this one ‘Fresh Linen,’ but it seems more like ‘Cat Pee on a Radiator’ to me.” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at Yankee Candle.
“Do you have any in a box? None, at all? You’re kidding, right?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome on the winery tour bus.
“Clean your room! Take out the trash! Feed the dog! Stop playing video games! Get off your iPhone! Go to bed!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at home.
“No I didn’t use crunchy peanut butter in this recipe.”
And that is why I no longer wear press on nails. Or get asked to make anything for the PTA bake sale.
“I’ll just cut and paste this unto my site!” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome to read Wendi’s blog.
“You’re not modest, are you? ‘Cause your shit’s gonna be ALLLLL out on display for everyone to see.” And that’s why I’m no longer allowed to talk to pregnant women.
“Ewwww…. what’s going on with all that hair in your ears???” And that’s why I’m not allowed in our bed for awhile.
“Is it really true that dogs will lick peanut butter off of anything?” And that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the animal shelter.
Why is the sky blue?, How are volcanoes made?, Where is the Holy Grail?, Is there a anti-aging formula?, What is the meaning of life?
That’s why I’m no longer allowed in Sherman Williams. – Sorry I know I’m corny.