Just two seconds ago, I had a really great idea. Really great. And I’m going to tell you all what that really great idea is right now before I become distracted by something shiny. (Ooooh! Tinsel!)
Okay, ready? Here’s my really great idea: I want to put together the best, braggiest, funniest, most ridiculous holiday letter ever. You know, the letters people send each December to their friends and family that let everyone what they’ve done all year? Their accomplishments, vacations, honors, awards, etc. The letters that are always entertaining to read, but can sometimes be unintentionally funny.
So here’s what I need from you: one sentence to add in the letter. Just one measly sentence—how easy is that? Start typing now! Tell your friends! Work that social media network of yours, baby!
And for continuity purposes here are a few restrictions for your one sentence:
The family’s name is THE SCHMUCKLERS
Mom: Cindy
Dad: Jim
Kids: Haley (16), Cody (10) and Olivia (5)
Pets: Tinkerbell the Rottweiler and Squiggy, the half-dead fish
Here’s one to get started:
This year Cindy found out what bath salts are and that gave all of us a great opportunity to meet our local law enforcement!
Please email your brilliant sentence to me at wendiaarons@yahoo.com by next Tuesday the 18th and I’ll put them all in one kick-ass letter and post it just in time for Christmas. Fun!
And just to sweeten the deal, I’ll pick one sentence at random and the writer will receive a BIG FANCY PRIZE* that I haven’t yet purchased. (*Big fancy prize will maybe be something I’m regifting.) (Or maybe it’ll be a flat screen TV!**) (**It’s not a flat screen TV.)
So what are you waiting for? Send me your holiday letter sentence!
I’m so doing this. I heart the Schmucklers.
I can actually tell you about a real life one I read over someone’s shoulder at swim lessons about 6 years ago. I wanted that woman to put it down so I could steal it, and yeah, I wrote it all down:
“Jeff gave a talk on bonsai trees to the visiting Japanese bonsai tree growers assn since he was the New Talent Bonsai Competition winner at the American Bonsai Society’s Best of Show in Saratoga. We are all grateful to his teaching master and mentor, Dave Roth, for Jeff’s hands on learning experience. Jeff’s six weeks away were worth the investment, since everyone knows true bonsai care can only be developed with a hands on recognized teacher. It is the only way to learn.”
And there were 2 more pages after that.
Damn.
So, just change Jeff to Jim, and voila. Real life: you just can’t make it up.
Fun idea Wendi! Hoping the “prize’ isn’t Fanilow memorabilia from last week.
xo
No, Alexandra, the “prize” isn’t Manilow swag. Like I’d give that AWAY?
& If she keeps up the good behavior, she may be out in 2016.
I’m riffing on Alexandra’s suggestion about changing “Jeff” to “Jim” and taking it a step further…someone in the Schmuckler family is leaving 2012 in a far different, ahem, package than the one he arrived in. Email en route.
And now I will have a new thing to talk to myself about…. the perfect line to submit to you for the brag letter.
HILARIOUS idea. I’m in.
You are all awesome! I love the comments as much as the idea of this post itself. Can’t wait to hear about the Schmucklers.
Love it! Already sent you my submission. Oh, & bummer – I was so hoping for a Fanilow prize…
I know the Schmucklers well. I may just borrow a line from one of their past letters.
Love this idea.
This collaborative letter will be even better than the one I receive from my second-cousin Gene every year in which he details his wins at various Dutch Oven competitions throughout the southwest.
Apparently, this is a real thing and he generally gets the blue ribbon. His wife Val is also very proud of him. As one might expect.
I’m just proud that after two vaginal births, I don’t pee my pants while reading the letter. Generally.
It’s the little things.
In a paragraph all by itself the following sentence:
“Haley turned 16.”
No other information about Haley should be included in the letter. (How dare you imply that I used to be Haley and I just cribbed off a family newsletter from the year I was 16!)
We were so sorry at having to see Ingrid, our beloved German exchange student return home early. We wish her well as she expects the birth of her first child. Yay babies!” (This actually happened to my family when I was 8. In effort to bring culture to our family, as a trip to Europe was too much, my mother signed us up as a host family. We had to send our exchange student home. My mother still shakes her head at Oktoberfest).
aweSOME. I can’t wait to send mine in, but even more, to send the letter out in my own cards! ROTFLMAO!
“Jesus Christ, we had a good f***ing year!”
(I think it would be hilarious to get a swear letter.)
And then our dear Olivia, that cheek monkey, said, “But Daddy that’s Squiggy not Tinkerbell.”
Brilliant idea. I just sent mine.
Jammom wins. Now adding “writing Christmas swear letter” to life list.
Please add apostrophes to all plurals in letter. Thanks.
Our daughter Missy age 6: Along with her school studies, ballet classes and weekly piano and violin lessons, Missy continues to make time for her charity work: this year she made flannel blankets for the pet shelter.
Jim surprised me this year with a Valentine’s gift to remember – A 10-day Safari to visit sustainable and organic farming techniques in the Congo. The highlight though was the adorable lemurs in tiny tuxedos serving us chocolate covered strawberries (Dont worry – LOL – the chocolate was made from local beans!)
Cody won the Nobel Prize in chemistry!