By now we all know how I feel about companies who slap moronic messages on their products. I’m not a big fan, to say the least. I just don’t understand why they assume that we consumers enjoy unnecessary words put on our purchased items. I’ve never once heard someone say that their life was changed due to something they read on a wrapper. Not even on an M&Ms wrapper, which I myself frequently peruse hoping to see either the words “Proven cellulite reducer” or “May contain 200 proof vodka.” It’s just kind of a dumb thing to do.
That said, you can imagine how displeased I was when I recently noticed that a company I’ve supported for many, many years has now jumped on the Inspirational Sayings bandwagon. The only explanation for why they’re doing this is that they must have a product manager with a God complex, because this particular company is Halls, the cough drop maker.
Specifically, the Triple Soothing Action Honey Lemon Menthol Cough Suppressants that I’ve been using on a daily basis lately due to Austin’s recent “Ragweed Explosion.” (Which, I realize, sounds like one of those alt-country bands that we’re all supposed to go crazy for nowadays, but trust me—this Ragweed Explosion is even more painful than an electric fiddle solo by a guy named “Mingus Deschamps.”) Here’s the bag in question:
Looks medicinal, right? A couple Benadryl tablets, a Breathe-Right nasal strip and one of these sweet yellow babies in my cheek and I almost sound like a normal breather, rather than a rabid Pug with a deviated septum. Therefore, no wonder I was pissed off when one recent night, I stopped blowing my red, raw nose for the fifteenth time in an hour, swiped at my watery, bloodshot eyes and grabbed a cough drop—only to see this bullshit on the wrapper:
Go for what, exactly? The pharmacist’s jugular because he won’t sell me any more Claritin-D due to the fact that I’ve bought so many boxes I’m now on the FBI’s Jr. Meth Cooker watch list? I mean, what the fuck, Halls? Nobody needs to see this crap on their fricking cough drops. Take it from me, if your life is so pathetic that you’re sprawled on the couch sucking on an oral anesthetic so you don’t hack up a lung on your husband, pretty much the last thing you want to read is:
Yeah, that’s right. “Let’s hear your battle cry.” Addressed to some poor bastard who’s shotgunning mentholated cough drops because his voice sounds like a squawking turkey vulture with swollen glands. That one makes absolutely no sense. Here’s my battle cry, Halls: Blehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Accompanied by my middle finger and an airhorn.
Then there’s this wise, little gem for people who are obviously so weak and sick that they’ve fallen into a gutter on their way to Urgent Care:
Yeah, stupid sick person, stop lazing around with the sewer rats. Have some dignity. And finally, a few more words of lozenge wisdom:
My favorite being “Elicit a few ‘wows’ today.” Like, “Wow, that weezy blonde woman just horked up a loogie the size of San Jose.” Or “Wow, some people really shouldn’t operate heavy machinery when they’re whacked on medicine. Call AAA and tell them there’s a Volvo on my foot.” And when exactly should I “put a little strut in it,” Halls? When I’m trying to seduce my husband with my unwashed hair, overgrown eyebrows and Kmart track suit I’ve slept in for the past week? Would that be a good time to strut? Please LMK.
Now, if I wrote inspirational sayings for cough drops, I’d stay away from the platitudes and instead go with something more helpful, like:
“It’s probably bronchitis!”
“Have you been tested for TB?”
and
“Holy Shit Your Breath Smells Like Lysol, Bitch.”
I’m pretty sure any or all of those would definitely work. But maybe I should instead just slow down and go with the simple, classic, “Suck It, Halls.”
Yeah. That one already makes me feel a whole lot better.
Suck it up, baby, suck it up.
I see a series akin to the Valentine’s conversation hearts in your near future. I don’t think I’ve ever elicited anything.
SUCK THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This gave me such a good laugh – even more so than your usual posts, and I really needed a good laugh today. Thank you!
Wow, those are even more annoying than the inspirational quotes idiots post on Facebook. Too bad you can’t de-friend Halls.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. I used to be a huge fan of the cherry Halls, but now they just piss me off to the point where I actively avoid using cough drops. At least the girls get some entertainment out of this- the last time I had a cold, I sounded like a deranged chipmunk and made them laugh every time I said something.
Looks like it’s time for a change ~ Go for it.
ReeeCoLaaaaaaaa because they know you’re miserable and even the package is soothing.
First the ketchup bottle labels started cracking wise. Then it was my Taco Bell hot sauce packets. Now lozenges. If the next Tums I buy has something pithy to say, I’m going to have to Glaxo Smith’s Kline.
I sooo have to agree with “Suck It Halls!”
If I’m sick enough to actually use a cough drop then I’m not going to be doing anything but hiding in bed.
Maybe a good message would be:
It’s okay, lie in bed all day.
or
Go ahead throw all your tissues on the floor. They’ll still be there to pick up when you feel better.
Oh my God–you are the funniest person I know. You kill me! These messages are so stupid. Who thought of that? They piss me off too. Lol. Feel Better. -Annie
It’s like they designed it just for you.
Hilarious post.
I totally agree. Throw in a few inspirational cough drops with some feminine pads that say “Have a happy period!” and you have the perfect storm.
The Lysol comment has me loling. For reals, girl.
Actually, I think this explains my fortune cookie that read: If symptoms persist, please consult a physician.
Yeah yeah yeah…but what I REALLY need to know is what’s up with the hot pink fabric under the pix of what could possibly be the most asenine marketing strategy since Herbal Essence did their shampoo-orgasm-in-the-shower campaign? New linen hoodie? Stolen table cloth from a Barry Manilow cruise ship show? Hello Kitty slanket? Dish…
I noticed those sayings last year and decided that, like with fortune cookies you must add the phrase “in bed” at the end. It won’t save you from the Austin/ Killeen allergies, but it will make you laugh!
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for being pissed off about this, because there isn’t enough sarcastic rage in my body to express how moronic this is. It takes more than one of us, apparently.
Now, I have to say, I hate inspirational shit! If I want inspiration, I have a cocktail! This piece is right up there with any of the “These might be gems” that you have written! Once again, you’ve hit the nail on the head. One could only hope you would be hitting on the head the CEO at the advertising firm who dreamed up this crap! Another idea for you to write about would be advertisements on hold music. Someone had the balls (’nuff said) to ask me why I didn’t have advertising on my office phone system. After explaining how rude it is to force someone to listen to advertising after they’ve already given you the honor of spending their dollars with you, I stuffed this “consultant”‘s head up his butt. What can I say? A bad day!
I’ve always got my inspiration from Vicks Cough Medicine but to each their own.
Wait, someone gets paid to write these?
I’m available, Halls. You too, Always. If the position of cough drop or maxi pad inspirational writer is still up for grabs. That would look so righteous on my résumé.
Hilarious! Also, what a great job!
This is all I could come up with…
“Only wusses suck lemon-honey! Too wimpy for menthol my friend?”
And this is I only medicate with liquor
Not only are those lame sayings, but it looks like a middle schooler with a blue marker put them in as an afterthought. JUST SOOTHE OUR THROATS, HALLS! WE DON’T NEED TO SEIZURE THE DAY!
Whatever you do, don’t buy the Dove individual chocolates to cheer you up…their wisdom is annoying too.
(My fave from them: Build a bridge and get over it.)
Rather then the “peppy” messages they have chosen to put on the wrappers, I think they should have geared the messages towards sickies.
“Go eat some soup.”
“I’m sorry you don’t feel well.”
“Poor baby.”
“Time for ginger ale and crackers.”
“Feed a cold, starve a fever.”
“You wish your Momma was here, don’t you?”
So funny Wendy!! You made my evening!