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What Horror Movies Should Use To Scare Audiences Instead of Possessed Kids

by Wendi // September 14, 2012

Possessed Cats

Possessed Dogs

Possessed Dogs Who Look Like Possessed Cats But Only Because They Weigh Five Pounds and Ride Around in Lady Purses All Day Like Brokeass Chumps But Despite That Shameful Existence They Really Are Dogs. (Who Are Possessed.)

Possessed Doctors

Possessed Lawyers

Possessed Fast Food Workers (Eyes Already Red, So Save $ on Special FX)

Possessed Oscar Host James Franco (See above)

Possessed Teachers

Possessed Coaches

Possessed PTA Presidents in Lululemon Work-Out Clothes Who Will Be Snubbed On Facebook By Possessed PTA Presidents In Tennis Skirts And Then A Huge Slap Fight/Lunge Battle Will Ensue In A Possessed Florida Pilates Studio (Note: Will Need NC-17 Rating Due To Very Graphic Imagery But OMG HOW FREAKING AWESOME)

Possessed Sisters-In-Law

Possessed Fathers-In-Law

Possessed Mothers-In-Law (May Not Be Believable. Hahahaha! Who Are We Kidding? This Mofo Casts Itself.)

Possessed Squirrels

Sorry, Hollywood, but no parent alive is scared by a possessed kid.

Let’s hear it—what do you guys suggest for the next horror movie? Leave it in comments & I’ll even write the movie poster tagline for you.

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Comments

  1. headspot says:
    September 14, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    Possessed vaccuum cleaners. I made mine cry the other day, I think. I’m on my hundred-teenth vaccuum, and am wondering when it’ll turn on me. Revenge for the pet hair, and two daughters who only use it occasionally to suck up the rubble in their rooms.

  2. Wendi says:
    September 14, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    Movie poster tagline: “This Halloween, Evil Sucks.”

  3. Melissa Cinnamon says:
    September 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    The Lululemon PTA president one is AWESOME. But my possessed coffee maker has the power to ruin my life.

  4. Wendi says:
    September 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Movie poster tagline: “The Devil’s Brewing Something Hot.”

  5. Kristin Shaw says:
    September 14, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    Possessed toddlers screaming for a pacifier. Heads spinning.

  6. highlyirritable says:
    September 14, 2012 at 1:17 pm

    Possessed gynecologists.

    And for the fellas: Possessed proctologists.

  7. Brett Minor (@brettminor) says:
    September 14, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Let’s mix some genres. How about a man who is possessed with a demon that falls in love with the man’s neighbor. The demon then tries to woo the neighbor through controlling the man he possesses.

  8. Stephanie says:
    September 14, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Kardashians

  9. Kristin Shaw says:
    September 14, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    I second that: possessed Kardashians may be the scariest of all.

  10. Judi Thomas says:
    September 14, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    Possessed cafeteria ladies!

  11. TheAvasmommy says:
    September 14, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Possessed Politicians.

  12. Hope says:
    September 14, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    possessed dirty diapers.

  13. Laffin' So Hard says:
    September 14, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    K, Wendi, but warning you, it has been a bitchin’ week…

    My list of the PO-ZZZESED!!!

    Co-worker.
    Boss.
    Librarian.
    Surgeon. (I am trying to decide if the pre-cursor of brain or plastic is scarier…)
    Vandal(s).
    Harpist. (Yes, I know it isn’t scary to any one else, but please refer to the previously stated bitchin’ week. I know what I speak of).
    Volunteer steering committee.
    Fire.
    Water.
    Calories.
    Bees. (insert hornets or wasps, if you so desire.)
    Catsup. Don’t ask.

    And MY personal favorite…

    Internet connection. (Even though I know it is EVIL, I keep going back for more.)

  14. Tracey says:
    September 14, 2012 at 6:54 pm

    Possessed Plumbing
    Possessed Computers
    Possessed Geckos

  15. Peajaye says:
    September 14, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    Possessed Mommy-Bloggers.
    “In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream.”

  16. Lovelyn says:
    September 14, 2012 at 7:42 pm

    Possessed lawn mowers

  17. Cass says:
    September 15, 2012 at 12:22 am

    You had me Lululemon. Ahhh, my Lululemons.

    Possessed Lululemons though? THAT is in NOBODY’S best interest.

  18. Erin@MommyontheSpot says:
    September 15, 2012 at 6:50 am

    PTA Presidents that are possessed: hilarious!!

  19. dusty earth mother says:
    September 15, 2012 at 8:52 am

    Possessed toilets.

    Go to town, girl.

  20. jammom says:
    September 15, 2012 at 9:10 am

    Hollister employees

  21. Nancy Davis Kho says:
    September 15, 2012 at 9:21 am

    Possessed Legos that kill by embedding themselves in a person’s foot and then working their way upward.

  22. the mama bird diaries says:
    September 15, 2012 at 7:19 pm

    Possessed shopping carts.

  23. Tammy says:
    September 15, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    First of all, love the possessed Legos! Many of them over the years. Mine is possessed computer who seem to magically delete the 27 pages you just wrote into your new book and hit save and “whoosh” it’s gone!

  24. The Flying Chalupa says:
    September 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Oh, I’m loving the PTA president one – and then I saw the MIL one.

    Possessed ovens. I’m not kidding. Mine tries to light itself – the eery click-click-click in the darkness. Spooky.

  25. Becky says:
    September 17, 2012 at 7:56 am

    Possessed phones that ring a minimum of 4 times a day because a political pollster or stumper is trying to reach the occupant. Reoccurs every 4 years, so the potential for sequels is unlimited.

  26. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:19 am

    “Hello, It’s Hell Calling. Collect.”

  27. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:20 am

    “Eternal Damnation Doesn’t Need Preheating.”

  28. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:21 am

    “You Can’t Save Your Pages, But You Can Maybe Save Your Soul.”

  29. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:21 am

    “And You Thought The Germs on the Handle Were Scary.”

  30. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:23 am

    “This Halloween, The Demon Is Hiding In Your Carpet.”

  31. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:24 am

    “They’re Thin, They’re Snotty and They’re the New Face of Hell. Plus, Stinky.”

  32. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:25 am

    “The Ty-D-Bol Man Is Back and Boy, Is He Pissed.”

  33. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:26 am

    (No tagline, just a comment that everyone at my gym wears Lululemon except me. Go Champion from Target!)

  34. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:27 am

    “Blades of Fury: Coming This Fall.”

  35. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:28 am

    Possessed Geckos: “And You Thought Gordon Was the Worst Gecko Ever Invented.”

  36. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:29 am

    “Wi-Fi? More like DIE-Fi.”

  37. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:29 am

    “Pampers Just Got Even More Nasty.”

  38. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:29 am

    This might be too true to life.

  39. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:30 am

    “Lunch Is Served With A Side of Horror.”

  40. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:30 am

    You mean they’re not currently possessed?

  41. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:30 am

    I think you just described my subdivision.

  42. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:31 am

    “Warning: This Pap Smear May Be Abnormal.”

  43. Wendi says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:31 am

    That’s just an HEB checkout line, isn’t it?

  44. tracy@sellabitmum says:
    September 17, 2012 at 10:49 am

    I read this late last night and totally did not get it because I actually thought you wrote ‘processed’ instead of ‘possessed'(yeah midnight sans reading glasses)… so I could not figure out why a horror movie about processed things would be scary, and just assumed you had a bad experience with Velveeta.

  45. Jen says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:33 pm

    Shopping at the mall four 3 kids, with NO sales. That’s scary!!!!

  46. Jen says:
    September 17, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    For*

  47. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says:
    September 18, 2012 at 5:42 am

    Possessed pencils. They always vanish.

  48. Marinka says:
    September 18, 2012 at 6:29 am

    Possessed possessions.

  49. Candy says:
    September 20, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    I know I’m late to the party here, but aren’t the Kardashians already possessed?

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