Okay, not really. I was never in the circus. Or a slut. Or that much of a meth addict. But who cares because you’re still reading, right?! And you know why? Because of the genius headline, sucker! Everybody needs a genius headline! Headlines are where it’s at!
(Me, if I was a meth addicted circus slut.)
You see, times have changed on the internet. Now if you want more visitors to your blog, more clicks to your Facebook page and more fascinating PR pitches emailed to you about national tire safety month, you have to have a good headline. Oh yes, it’s true! A headline is the only thing that matters. Just type ten words, attach a link, hit send and you’re DONE, brother! Take off your uniform and put away your service revolver because it’s motherf*&@in’ quittin’ time!
There’s really no need to bother with stupid things like “good content” and “well written personal stories” any more because nobody has time to read anything anyway. Yep, a misleading sentence and a link are all you need for instant page views and internet success! And if anyone knows about instant page views and internet success, it’s me because I’ve made almost $24 from my blog in the past four years. Sure, $12 of that was in cheese coupons, but the point is, I’m a Social Media Guru and I know what I’m bullshitting about!
That’s why, for a limited time only, you can purchase any or all of the following brilliant, semi-original headlines for your own personal use. Whoohoo! These headlines are all guaranteed* (*not guaranteed) to make people intrigued enough by your crap link that they’ll click over to your blog or Facebook page where you can then have a corresponding post about absolutely anything! Or even a blank page! Hey, all that matters is that someone clicked, right? Ka-ching!
(Note: I would have put these headlines in a slideshow format, but I wasn’t sure how to do that.) (But make no mistake: I’m still a badass Social Media Guru.)
BRILLIANT, SEMI-ORIGINAL HEADLINES FOR SALE
Why Blondes Are Better Than You
Momfession: I Drink My Baby’s Formula Until I Blackout
My Naughty Nights With Newt (NFSW)
Oops, I Accidentally Tweeted A Pic of My Junk to the Pope!
Go Wild for America’s 10 Best Monkey Meat Recipes
Parenting Dilemma: Would You Let Your Toddler Have a Playdate at a Brothel?
How Ashton Kutcher’s Movies Saved My Life
The Top 10 Things You’re Doing Right This Very Second
That Are Making You Bleed Internally
Quiz: Are You a Douchebag Jackass Asshole or an Asshole Jackass Douchebag?
Your Toothpaste Is Giving You Bowel Cancer
OMG I Can’t Believe These Wacky Celebrity Boob Jobs! (PICS)
In a Fashion Rut? Get Ann Coulter’s Sassy Street Style!
DON’T MISS MY #AWESOME #GIVEAWAY #2 #PENCIL #PRIZEPACK!!!
Mom Guilt: Why Isn’t My Baby Sexier?
All headlines are just $5 each and guaranteed* (*not guaranteed) to increase your traffic and your success by at least 1,0000%! So please, get out your wallets and buy a bunch of them! And don’t wait!
My cheese coupons expire soon.
I love this. Guaranteed* (*actually guaranteed).
You forgot, “Why You Definitely Need to Buy Every Pair of Shoes that Vaguely Interests You.”
The best one of the lot is…
My cheese coupons expire soon
I think that Mom Guilt: Why Isn’t My Baby Sexier? is a real issue that doesn’t get enough attention. This is not a joking matter.
i love your semi original headlines. My favorite… Momfession: I Drink My Baby’s Formula Until I Blackout
I love this post!!
If you have only made $24 dollars off your blog what hope do the rest of us have?
Do you have a bulk discount? I like them all.
Personal Favorite: “Quiz: Are You a Douchebag Jackass Asshole or an Asshole Jackass Douchebag?”
I held off on using expletives around my kids as long as I could, so in the past couple of years (and now that they’re 15, 18 & 20) they’ve been shock n’ awed hearing me say, “sh*t” *f*ck” ” “goddamn it.” More recently – Thank you distracted drivers – I WOW-ed them with Jackhole… clinching Mom of the Year award in their eyes, me thinks.
The baby formula headline is my favorite. As someone who’s consumed formula as an adult (it looks just like non-dairy creamer and the pediatricians I worked with in DK were avid pranksters…), I’ll be cringing at the idea for a long time!
Labor day weekend discount?
I don’t think WA Blogs for fiscal reward. I think WA Blogs because of her love for humanity.
I would read any cheese coupons you care to publish, and I don’t even like cheese.
Except on toast, I l o v e chesse on toast.
I am nothing if not a food group.
DON’T MISS MY #AWESOME #GIVEAWAY #2 #PENCIL #PRIZEPACK!!! is my favorite because of the very clever pun you managed with the # sign. Also because I went school supply shopping too late, and there was nothing left in any aisle. Hence, my children have only 36 #2 pencils between them instead of the required 100. *sigh*
I am totally doing 9 of those 10 things to make me bleed internally. RIGHT NOW.
Thank you for the morning laugh. This was awesome to wake up to. As always you crack me up. So damn witty! Keep em coming! -Annie
Next time I need a copywriter, you’re hired!
I’m totally buying all of these. And probably the cheese coupon. mmm…cheese…
well in all fairness, anything followed by a NSFW is an absolute guarantee. I’ll take 3 – do i have to tell you which ones?
The word “prizepack” alone is making me want to photograph my junk and share it with the sexy babies of the world!
I usually laugh out loud at your posts, but I didn’t chuckle once during this one. Probably because I think I’ve seen every one of those titles already used online… for real.
At first, I was like, “Dude! Monkey meat!” and then I was all, “Whoa! Number 2 pencils!” I’ll take them both!
Sorry, I spent all of my money on Kelcey’s organized intervention for your Manilow fetish.
OMG. I’ve had 5 days off of work, and am so backed up, my eyes are bleeding. I’d read your blog even if the header was “Why milk is white”. It so totally makes worklife more bearable!
Shouldn’t # 8, be:
“The Top 10 *Weird* Things You’re Doing Right This Very Second That Are Making You Bleed Internally”?
But then again, I’m with headspot. White Milk works too… 🙂
To this day my most read blog post is about Tiger Woods’ penis.
And I think I lose 24 dollars a day on my blog.
Ashton Kutcher’s movies really did save my life.
Does my 5 investment come with 1,000 free Twitter followers?
This post would be much better as a meme so we could link-up our headlines thus driving more traffic to your blog. I mean, duh.
“PICS” is brilliant. Everyone wants to see pics! And seriously – headlines about celebrity plastic surgery disasters (with pics!) have kept The Enquirer in business for years.
My favorite: “The Top 10 Things You’re Doing Right This Very Second
That Are Making You Bleed Internally” *shivering*
Can I buy this one? “My cheese coupons expire soon.”
I kinda love it.
I must find out RIGHT NOW! which asshole douchebag combination I am. Yet, I need to buy the one about sexy babies because why isn’t mine sexy? (For reals, the most traffic I’ve ever gotten was from “I want to have sex with my shoes” as a title. Because people are weirdoes, and nasty, and maybe wanting the Pope to see their junk (while wearing shoes).
I am thinking about advertising myself as a Smokin’ Hot Crack Addicted Mediator
1. I smoke
2. I have hot flashes
3. I always choose the word “crack” when it comes up as an option in Draw Something so I can draw a plumber leaning over a toilet
4. I am a mediator
I am thinking this would meet the “truth in advertising” standard and bring me loads of hits on my site.
“My Naughty Nights With Newt (NFSW)”
Um… I know what NSFW means (Not Safe For Work). But I’m having a hard time with NFSW. Newt F*cks Slutty Women? I’m going with that one.
This would be the best 5 bucks spent.
Or, just end every post title with “PRIZEPACK!”