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Do Not Vote For Wendi Aarons 2012

by Wendi // September 27, 2012

Wendi Aarons is not a serious candidate.

Wendi Aarons has a troubled past.

Wendi Aarons was born in North Dakota, which might not even be in the United States.

Wendi Aarons has a history of fiscal irresponsibility, mostly at outlet malls and the discontinued Rice-A-Roni shelf at the 99 Cent store.

Wendi Aarons tells everyone she’s a Marxist because she thinks that means pro-mullet.

Wendi Aarons’ only foreign policy experience is the one time she made out with a Canadian in a Toyota after eating Taco Bell.

Wendi Aarons looks like Female Fabio if she doesn’t brush her hair.

Wendi Aarons supports a woman’s right to choose, except the women at her nail salon, who OMFG, cannot choose a nail polish to save their stupid lives and stand in front of the color wall for two fucking hours making the “Hmmm” noise while Wendi has to cool her jets with an old copy of In Touch magazine that Wendi suspects is actually written by highly evolved squirrels who are clearly obsessed with The Big Kardashian and Twilight.

Wendi Aarons is easily irritated.

Wendi Aarons spent 15 years of her life thinking the “ball room” at IKEA is where they hold formal Swedish dances for the workers.

Wendi Aarons is funding her campaign with Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons and Box Tops.

Wendi Aarons plans to balance the federal budget using the Weight Watchers point system.

Wendi Aarons was recently reprimanded by the assistant manager of Cinemark Theaters for throwing popcorn at the screen during the Glenn Beck movie preview.

Wendi Aarons then had the gall to ask for a free refill.

Wendi Aarons showed her true colors by calling the new PTO President “Pol Pot with an off-brand boob job.”

Wendi Aarons’ subsequent apology to PTO Pol Pot was clearly not sincere considering it included the line, “Sorry you got your humungo granny pannies in a wad, babe.”

Wendi Aarons still doesn’t understand why she was put on trash can patrol at the PTO school carnival.

Wendi Aarons regularly gets wine and water confused.

Wendi Aarons is so not good for our country.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Becky says:
    September 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

    Wendi SO has my vote.

  2. Stephanie says:
    September 27, 2012 at 10:42 am

    But I bet you do a mean, “I can’t believe it’s not butter!”

  3. Kizz says:
    September 27, 2012 at 10:46 am

    Send your address. I have a lot of box tops saved up.

  4. Shannon says:
    September 27, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I am most definitely voting for Wendi Aarons 2012, just not for president of the PTO. Sounds like that might not be a good idea.
    What exactly is the “ball room” at IKEA?

  5. Wendi says:
    September 27, 2012 at 10:58 am

    The room with all of the balls that kids jump and pee in.

  6. Ali says:
    September 27, 2012 at 11:01 am

    Frankly Wendi, you’re not much worse than some of this year’s candidates. I’d bet a few of them don’t even know who Pol Pot was.

  7. WebSavvyMom says:
    September 27, 2012 at 11:35 am

    –>Wendi Aarons’ speeches would always start with the same phrase,
    “Long story, short….”

  8. Ninja Mom says:
    September 27, 2012 at 11:59 am

    And. . . you have my vote. Good luck with the WW points. I think funding children’s educational programs is 0 points.

  9. Mexmom says:
    September 27, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Despite the negative political campaigns, WENDI has my vote!

  10. Love says:
    September 27, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    Love loves when you talk about yourself in the third person. And the use of OMFG. Rock on, Wendi Aarons.

  11. Bitsy says:
    September 27, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    Glenn Beck has a movie? Will someone please shoot him and put him out of my misery?

  12. Hope says:
    September 27, 2012 at 2:08 pm

    Was going to come up with something pithy to say. But I got distracted by dry skin on my toe. So, what Ali said .

  13. Ang at Tall Curly Biscuit says:
    September 27, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    I love this! Hahaha I just got a mullet by accident, but I don’t look as good as Richard Marx. Sending this link to all my friends…
    Thanks for the laff.

  14. suburbancorrespondent says:
    September 27, 2012 at 5:37 pm

    Simply awesome. You have my vote. But you forgot to mention Barry – will he be veep?

  15. Cait says:
    September 27, 2012 at 6:08 pm

    I think you might be on to something with using the weight watchers point system to balance the federal budget system. Even worse than the nail polish wall lingerers are the —adjective–s who take all the bottles of red so they can think about which one would be perfect while they wait. Even the duplicates!

  16. Marinka says:
    September 28, 2012 at 12:17 am

    Just try and stop me from voting for Wendi!

  17. Stacy says:
    September 28, 2012 at 4:51 am

    Finally, a write-in candidate I can fully support.

  18. Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes says:
    September 28, 2012 at 5:12 am

    Oh Wendi, if only I could vote for your!

  19. Kim @The Fordeville Diaries says:
    September 28, 2012 at 5:56 am

    Aarons/Palin 2016!

  20. Nancy says:
    September 28, 2012 at 6:09 am

    Wendi Aarons is my hero. My hero I tell you.

  21. Alexandra says:
    September 28, 2012 at 6:24 am

    Nice try, but all these reasons are why I WILL vote for Wendi Aarons.

    She is so very good for my country.

    (made me laugh, out loud, and relate. oh, maybe too much with the fiscally irresponsible…)

  22. Linda says:
    September 28, 2012 at 7:07 am

    You had me at throwing popcorn at Glenn Beck. Have always dreamed of throwing something at him.

  23. Q says:
    September 28, 2012 at 7:22 am

    Where do I send my 12 Box Tops?

  24. Invader_Stu says:
    September 28, 2012 at 7:32 am

    You got my vote

  25. aimeekay says:
    September 28, 2012 at 8:29 am

    I now know who I’m voting for!

  26. Cathy The Frazzled Mom says:
    September 28, 2012 at 8:41 am

    You could also be a Sally Foster Gift Wrap groupie and fund your campaign with gift wrap, candies, and overpriced calendars. You could also sell cookie dough for some serious coin.
    Great post!

  27. busy bride says:
    September 28, 2012 at 10:27 am

    wendi has my vote!

  28. the mama bird diaries says:
    September 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

    I can’t believe you want to live in a country where women do not have the right to leisurely pick out their nail color. I don’t understand women like you.

  29. tracy says:
    September 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I don’t even know what “North Dakota” means, but I’d vote for you- simply because you hate clementines as much as I do.

  30. Cheryl says:
    September 28, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Finally, a candidate who’s serious about full disclosure. You’ve got my vote for whatever you’re running for or from.

  31. Kat says:
    September 29, 2012 at 8:10 am

    I’d vote for you. Except I’m Canadian, but maybe you could change nationalities and come replace Stephen Harper.

  32. Erin@MommyontheSpot says:
    September 29, 2012 at 9:29 am

    You still got my vote! You had me with your campaign funding and balance budget strategies.

  33. tracy says:
    September 29, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    wendy you can count on my vote

  34. dusty earth mother says:
    September 29, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    Balancing the budget with the Weight Watchers point system is beyond genius. President Aarons. I like it.

  35. Wendi @ BAH says:
    October 1, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    I’m team Wendi!

  36. Ann says:
    October 1, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    PTO Pol Pot. So bad. So hilarious.

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