I’ve been everywhere, man
Crossed the desert’s bare, man.
I’ve breathed the mountain air, man.
Of travel I’ve had my share, man.
I’ve been everywhere, man.
–Johnny Cash
That Shell station bathroom was disgusting, man.
–Wendi Aarons
On July 21st, the Aarons family truckster pulled out of Austin, Texas and—21 days, 6,000 miles and 30 gallons of crappy coffee later—we pulled back in and immediately went our four separate ways for the rest of the summer. I mean, did I mention 6,000 miles?
Presenting our family vacation, told via iPhone pictures, random words and my oh-so-desperate tweets that I sent during the few times I actually had cell reception:
Starting our drive out of Texas. Which, from the middle of Texas, only takes 8 quick hours. Wheeeee!
Husband found an All 80s Weekend radio station & is now whistling along to “Theme From Hill Street Blues.” Need blunt instrument.
Driving through the New Mexico Missile Testing range. But the kids don’t seem happy in the red & white bullseye shirts I just put them in.
White Sands, NM
Valley of the Fires, NM
World’s Largest—Pistachio? Alamogordo, NM
If my husband & I were on “The Amazing Race,” our team name would be “The Frequent Potty Stopper & The Eye Roller.” (I’m the Eye Roller.)
Tomorrow we’re going to the Grand Canyon! Or maybe the Venti Canyon! Hahahaha! Shit, I’m tired.
Grand Canyon, AZ
After the Grand Canyon:
We’re now in that lovely part of Arizona known as “The Plural Marriage and Abandoned Meth Lab” Scenic Drive. There will be no photos.
Las Vegas, NV
Since the kids are with us in Vegas, I’m not gambling. Not because they’re underage–but because the 8yo’s a total cooler.
I think they were getting married with a Deadwood theme. Either that or they were opening up a new cowboy saloon in Bally’s.
Next up, the drive from Vegas to Northern Nevada! In which you only see two things for 500 miles: sagebrush and legal prostitution trailers. Talk about your family fun!
Driving through rural NV, kids keep asking to go to the “cat houses” they see. Wrong kinda pussy, those are.
Here’s a lovely outdoor mall in Beatty, NV:
So many great things to buy, but who has the time to sort through all of those rusty bumpers and WWII ammunition? By the way, it was at about this point in our trip that my husband Chris decided to put Buster Poindexter’s song “Feelin’ Hot Hot Hot” on constant repeat so he could WHISTLE to it. Whistle. Seriously, I don’t know why I didn’t just jump and roll out of the car right then and there and take a job at The Painted Lady as their edible panties washer. I hear it pays surprisingly well.
But before too long, we arrived at our destination where I got to see two of my favorite things:
Lake Tahoe, NV
And my parents, who were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Here they are on their big day in their 50 year old Karmann Ghia:
I know, they’re so much cooler than me. Then later that day, after their big party, my dad opened the bottle of whiskey his friend Duane gave him on their wedding day in 1962 and made everyone in our family (over the age of 21) take a shot. My sisters and I really, really loved it:
Throat killing whiskey aside, I had so much fun being with my parents on their milestone day and it was a wonderful moment to share with them and my entire family.
And all of that—was only half the trip. Next up, New York City, The Mouthy Housewives and Area 51! Oh, lawdy.
looks fun! i’m dying to get to lake tahoe someday..
Think that’s Alamostachio.
I’m laughing so hard at that whiskey picture I’m starting to cry – it is HILARIOUS!!!
I’m with Ri! You made me spit coffee out of my nose! I am so glad that someone caught that scene on camera. Priceless. It needs to be in the anniversary album!
Congratulations to your parents and thanks for letting us enjoy your trip vicariously, from the comfort of our homes with clean bathrooms.
Stacy
Too bad you didn’t get pictures of the cat house trailer park. WOuld have loved to have seen those.
Thank you for the laugh this morning. I did neeed it. And have another shot of 50 year old whiskey but I would rather have the little red convertible.
Anxiously awaiting the whiskey chugging photos from NYC. And Area 51.
this is fabulous! your pics are awesome; love the one of your parents.
keep truckin’!
Well this explains A LOT about why you looked a tad shell-shocked that first day in NYC. Way to rally!
I am in awe of this. We went to San Antonio, and I had to lie in the fetal position for half an hour after we checked into the hotel.
I need you to write a Road Trip Survival Guide before next summer. We’re thinking about driving to visit family in Idaho and Oregon. Oh, just typing that made me nauseous.
Wendy,
We moved to the Austin area 2 years ago from the SF Bay Area, and I can so relate to your first tweet – “Starting our drive out of Texas. Which, from the middle of Texas, only takes 8 quick hours.” When we first drove across the state line from New Mexico, I was like, “Great, we’re nearly there” Eight hours later (and yes, several coffee and pee pitstops) I was clawing at the window to get out. It was painful!
–>Love the picture of you all drinking the whiskey.
Having driven “The Plural Marriage and Abandoned Meth Lab” Scenic Drive more than once, thank you for not posting photos. I’m still traumatized from the last trip.
Love the photos & that tired feeling I have from laughing long and hard.
no sympathy, just came back road trip with all FIVE of us, yes and my daughter counts for 2, so make that SIX! Oh and in a four door sedan, no fancy family truckster! Yes, I am bitter right now…
I just woke up my cousin by laughing at your whiskey photo. Sure, it’s 9:30, but he’s a teenager and they sleep like the dead!
That picture of you and your sisters is priceless. 6,000 miles is more than any family should have to travel together (she said, on the morning she is boarding a plane with her family to fly 3k miles. But at least there are peanuts.)
I love this. Funny AND awesome pics. xo
That whiskey picture is hilarious.
Where’s the expose on Stuckey’s?
I would totally go to the Venti Canyon. Without my children of course. Welcome home. You’ve been missed. Even though I just saw you last weekend. But still I missed you when I didn’t see you. Because that’s how it works.xo
Best family portrait EVER! You have to blow that sucker up, frame it & stick on your mantle.
Tell your dad that car wouldn’t still look so good if he had three boys!
Then again, his sweet flowers do choke back whiskey (Nice pretend “Oooh, this is so strong–I only drink wine” face, btw. I’m on to you, Aarons!)
Happy Anniversary to the rents–def a milestone worth driving 6,000 miles for!
Love the photos of the Grand Canyon – it’s on my bucket list.
Also, that pic of you and your sisters is hilarious!
Love this post! It was great meeting you at Blog’Her. The whiskey picture made me lol. -Annie
Best vacation pictures ever! You are a braver woman than I am doing that drive. The Whiskey picture is classic.
I must be tired too, because it took me the entire post to figure out what “NV” was.
Your parents are cool. You are cool. The cat houses are not cool.
I can’t believe you and your sisters never broke into that bottle of whiskey. They must have used wine coolers as decoys.
He saved the bottle of whiskey? That’s adorable. Could you please write a post in which you offer your parents’ advice for how to stay married for 50 years? bc I’ve just gasped over the finish line of 14 and am wondering how the next three or so decades unfold. Is this it? Socks on the coffee table, snoring all night…I would like to suggest, too, that it’s a good thing you didn’t like the whiskey, elsewise, the cat houses might have looked even more attractive. Happy Vacation – and I’m SO delighted that your travels brought you to BH12. yay.
Help: “There will be no photos.” “Talk about your family fun!” “My sisters and I really, really loved it.”
Unfair that some people are so effortlessly funny. On the other hand, I so needed a laugh tonight. Great to have met you in person.
Why is everyone writing about disastrous family vacations right before I leave for one? In Montana, no less.
And mine won’t even be full of witticisms, and great pictures…because I’m not you.
Let the torture begin.
Don’t lie, Wendi, that was the best 6000 miles EVER! Because what I took away from this…is that roadtrips with kids get better. Because mine looked a heck a lot like Liz’s photo. Times two.
Funny, funny post.
Am I the only perv who saw that pistachio and immediately thought of my vagina?
Well.
My vagina circa 1986. I mean, I’m 43 and had two children so.
Anyway.
Forget I said that, man.
World’s largest vagina!! WORLD’S LARGEST VAGINA!!!!
How did I miss this one?
I’m with Julie and Mandy: one giant vagina.
ALSO: the picture of the whiskey swizzling is wonderful. And needs to be made into a Shoebox Greetings thing.
1.trailers? Prostitution trailers?? Ew. I’m not even against prostitution. Legally. But in a trailer, that sounds like a bummer.
2. Your whiskey face is endearing.
3. Catching up in the archives!