Last Sunday night, Chris and I hired a babysitter and went on a “Date Night.” Which is great fun, but that phrase always makes me cringe just like “Mother’s Day Out” or “Girl’s Night Out” do. I mean, does anyone think Angelina Jolie actually calls going out to dinner with Brad Pitt a “date night”? No, she calls it “escaping our 27 children and being driven by the bodyguard thingy to that food placey where I will drink hot lemon water, fondle my collarbone and listen to the hairy beardy man talk about Haiti.” I don’t know why, but I’ve always found putting little names to women’s activities sort of patronizing.
For example, does anyone ever call a man’s outing to a strip club “Daddy’s Booby Day”? No, they do not. Because that’d be f$%king stupid and also, Daddy usually does that activity in secret. Daddy knows cash don’t leave no paper trail.
That said, you can imagine how thrilled I was on our Date Night when Chris and I sat down at our neighborhood bistro and opened the menus and I saw that they had 25% off of “Mom Drinks.” Yeah, that’s right. “Mom Drinks.” Apparently, we moms have our own category like Kids and Seniors now because we’re special. And also liable to wet our pants and/or smack the hostess in the face with a fistful of soggy cookie.
The menu didn’t specify which “Mom Drinks” they had, and I was too pissy to ask our waitress Calliope for more details on it. Calliope had enough trouble pronouncing “Merlot” without the T. (Bless her lil chicken-fried heart.)
But here’s what I think the “Mom Drinks” menu should include:
The Naughty Nurser: Breast milk, a squirt of Lanisoh and two shots of angry tears.
The MomTaxi: Apple juice, gin, motor oil. Served in a commemorative travel mug that can also be used for pee breaks when you’re at your 5th mothereffin soccer game of the day.
The PTO Volunteer: Vodka with a splash of soul-crushing regret. Warning: May cause drinker to attack anyone in a tennis skirt like a rabid jungle cat.
The Suburban Wanker: A sleeve of Thin Mint cookies crushed up and snorted through a Crazy Straw, followed by a shot of Target’s Merona brand tequila. Lawn clippings for garnish.
The Momtini: A box of white wine mounted on the wall with the spigot fully open. Because our mom hands are too busy changing diapers and Swiffering! LOL! We’re so ridiculous with our lady parts!!
Of course, the restaurant could simply be capitalizing on all of the moms who live nearby who are known to throw a few back from time to time. (Such as moi.) And for that, I can’t really blame them. So the next time we have a “Date Night,” maybe I’ll head over there and order myself a few of their “Mom Drinks.” And if I drink enough of them, my husband might even get lucky and have himself a “Hot Date Night.”
Or, more likely, a “Wife Passed Out In the Laundry Room at 9 p.m. Date Night.” Because the one ingredient that “Mom Drinks” definitely need—is about 100 milligrams of caffeine. Bottoms up, baby.
Call me next time you’re headed out for a Mom drink. Snorting Thin Mints is one of my favorite pasttimes.
Oh my goodness–mom drinks. Oy, that really is worse than “mom’s day out” etc. Love your “mom drink” suggestions. Perfection.
You need to go back and ask and report back because that is hilarious! If they are lame, I highly recommend that you hire yourself out as a drink consultant and share your versions!
“Target’s Merona brand tequila” is hilarious! Would the mom of 5+ use Kirkland tequila?
I think “Mom Drinks” has got to be the least appetizing phrase in the entire world. It’s almost as though no one wants us to ever, ever forget that we happen to have produced offspring. “M-O-M” are the scarlet letters of our generation.
And if our kids’ pediatrician addresses me as “Mom” one more time…
Maybe by Mom drinks they meant, double shot, half price…because WE are WORTH it!
good one!
Exactly. That’s what pisses me off about the whole Fifty Shades of Grey thing…I mean like it or dislike it, whatever, but why does it have to be “mommy porn.” It’s just PORN, people, good old-fashioned, mothereffin PORN. You should go to that restaurant again and ask for a “mommy boilermaker” or perhaps double shots of Jose Cuervo’s mother’s tequila.
Lmfao @ “Suburban Wanker”…. I’ll take 2 doubles please. Nevermind, just bring a pitcher.
At least they didn’t call it “mommy” drinks… 🙂
Dude, this is the funniest blog post I’ve ever read.
Do you think Angelina gets tired of listening to Brad? I would imagine so.
After the mocktail the momtail. Oh lord…
oh this is great!
I’m going to say what everyone’s thinking:
If a major family restaurant food chain would get smart: they’d hire you. Personal appearances and tour included.
I like my soul-crushing regret shaken, not stirred.
Off the subject, but OMG, suburbancorrespondent, I will call the chick at my kids’ dentist office “overly made up hygenist” if she calls me Mom one more time.
Wendi, as always, snorted coffee through my nose reading this.
The MomTaxi also works well if you substitute baseball for soccer, played in 100+ degree weather. All weekend. Just sayin’.
I just snorted up my Mom drink…I mean, coffee..reading this!!
Now if we just had a nice “Mom Appetizer” to go with our “Mom Drink.” I was at a wine bistro on a GNO and they seriously served Goldfish crackers at our table! WTH? There are no children here! Heard of cheese dumbass?? I’m trying to get away from those pesky, orange, crumb exploding pieces of &#*%.
–>Another option – –
50 Shades of Housewife
It’s a Virgin Vanilla daiquiri because DUH.
deb
Moms aren’t the only ones with their own cocktail list. We nannies have some pretty tasty concoctions, too.
The Substitute- Wine in a neat little souvenir glass that clearly states, “I AM NOT THE MOM, I’M JUST THE NANNY”
The Screamer- Vodka in a Camelback waterbottle.
The Early Riser- Coffee with a shot of bourbon. Made for those nannies who have to get up with the kids.
Bath Time Bliss- No one knows what’s in it, but it’s served with a little rubber ducky!
Helicopter Hell- Water, because there’s a mother standing over your shoulder judging your every move. You are, after all, responsible for the well being of HER children!
Play date Punch, also known as Playground Punch- This is the riskiest of all mixed drinks. A squirt from every juice box known to man mixed with enough vodka to make an hour of screaming kids with organic snacks fly by.
You mean to say the t in Merlot is silent?
Even if the bottle costs less than ten bucks?
Well shit.
(We still pronounce the t in that one, right?)
Perhaps “Calliope Tackles the Wine List” for a future post. With scoring of course.
Loved this post. And if you come up with a Momtail that includes caffeine, that’s the one I need. Desperately.
I like the part about men going to strip clubs in secret. Moms going for mom drinks would be pretty tough to keep under wraps. Too funny!
I’ll have one of those PTO Volunteers please!
Bellying up here, but not because of the kids. Oh no. My kids have, quite shockingly, grown into fabulous adults and are receiving the payback they deserve in their own genius offspring. So instead, for reasons completely unrelated to momminess, I’ll have a Double Suburban Wanker with a Corona back. STAT!
I don’t find Date Night nearly as godawful as “babymoon” and “push present.”
At first glance, I was all over the PTO Volunteer. But once I saw that the Suburban Wanker had Merona brand Tequila, I just knew I had to try it. If their tequila is half as good as their lounge wear, we are all in for a treat.
Very funny. My favorite: the description of Angelina Jolie’s date night. I have a feeling you’re not far from the truth there. And yes, I hate the term “date night” a lot. As for Mom Drinks – WOW! Loved yours. Thanks.
Just admit it already. You went to Chili’s.
As someone who also loathes the term “date night”, I don’t think I could ever bring myself to order a “mom drink”. Unless of course, it was only way to order a Suburban Wanker. That shit sounds LIFE-CHANGING.