Ladies, how many times have you found yourself thinking, “Gee, I’d really love to get flirty tattooed sayings on my breasts, but OMG, it seems like such a commitment“? Well, if you’re anything like me, the answer to that question is “Duh, all the f&*king time, fool”!
But good news, folks, because I just discovered a company called Ta-Ta-Toos that sells “temporary tattoos for your ta-tas.” (I’m not making that up.) Yes, now you no longer have to pull a dime at the Chino State Women’s prison to get some cool breast art like this:
Product Description: You’re built for performance
and in need of a high-octane fuel injection!
Obviously that tattoo won’t work for me because I’m built for comfort and in need of a Pillow Pet rather than a fuel-injection, but luckily there are many other saucy sayings to choose from, including “Bite Size” “Santa’s Helper” and “100% Natural.” And my personal favorite:
You can only add “with twins”
if you’re above a C-cup.
Just think of how thrilled your son will be years later when you stand up at his wedding reception and tell the 500 guests the heartwarming story of how you gave his daddy the news of his conception via a Hooter Message! I mean, Ta-Ta-Toos are like a Hallmark card for your cleavage, right? Or the Itty Bitty Titty Committee with a billboard budget! Wowza!
Unfortunately, the makers of these amazing tattoos forgot a few sayings that I know I’d personally love to slap onto my rather boring fun bags. For example, the nicknames I’ve given my boobs so everyone knows who is who:
Just like in real life, Shirley’s
slightly smaller than Laverne.
Or, for more practical purposes, this total time saver:
No more confusion when opening peanut butter jars!
While Ta-Ta-Toos does offer fun seasonal/Spanish sayings like “Jingle Bells” and “Mi Amor,” they’re decidedly lacking in anything for our Jewish friends. Not even a single lousy boob tattoo of “Happy Hanukkah” or “L’Chaim.” Oy vey, it’s ridiculous! So may I suggest this one?
You’ll be the hit of your son’s bar mitzvah, mama!
And let’s not forget all of those “smart” women in the world. You brainiacs with your briefcases and salaries and standards. Of course we all know you’re no fun and total sticks in the mud, what with your “education” and your “self respect” and your reluctance to put cheap stickers on your melon knockers, but seriously—how impressive would this be at your next interview?
Who needs equal pay when you’re rockin’ a D-cup, girlfriend?! Up high!
On a serious note, we all know that the wonderful nursing mothers out there need something, too. It’s not always easy to breastfeed. So moms, why not maximize your infant’s time at the boob buffet by giving him entertainment AND learning? This lactating mammary tattoo is just the thing to keep your little one laughing while he also gains an edge on the other baby idiots in his playgroup! Hello, Harvard? We’ve got a new student!
Say “theory of relativity”! Say it! SAY IT LOSER!
Finally, may I present the perfect boobie tat for all of you “ladies of a certain age” currently getting your exercise by walking laps at the mall. Believe me, just because you’re finding gray hairs in certain places, having hot flashes and eating tasteless dinners at 4 p.m. doesn’t mean you have to stop being a hot piece of meat, baby! Let everyone know you still got it goin’ on with this sassy (and anatomically correct) temp tat:
“Nipple landing” tattoo for your belly button optional.
Sure your breasts may look like two pathetic tube socks with pebbles in the toe, but with a sexy message like this, no one will even notice, Granny! Schwing!
So remember, girls: plain boobs are out. Nobody wants to see your boring old skin. Get yourself some temporary tattoos and show the world that your gigantic honkers have somethin’ to say!
Even if it’s just “I’m desperate for attention.”
Some women at our pool could use temp tats that say, “These f*ckers cost a lot of money.” Or is that too wordy? Maybe “My husband paid for these.”
LOL “Ask me about my MBA” – hey, what was that web site again? 😉
Did you know you can also bedazzle your vagina? What an amazing addition to the ta ta toos! In case you’re curious, the website is http://www.vajazzle.com.
I’m not ashamed to say I ordered the pink bow…
So my ta-ta-too that I just got for BlogHer that says “Mommy Blogger” isn’t really the way to go? Maybe we can be matchy-matchy?
I think I need one of those. It would be so much easier than yelling at the girlies for pulling my shirt off again and again.
LAUGHING.
Off to finally give Sister Sister their due!
Brings new meaning to the phrase “tit for tat”. Wendi, I think you should get one that says “Man-i-Low”
How about, “Take THAT, you perky small-breasted shelf-bra-wearing tarts”?
And, yes, as a matter of fact, the message would fit just fine.
*Snort* Lefty loosey, righty tighty. I really want to get one of these just to take pictures and embarrass myself all over the place. It’s like wearing reindeer ears to work around Christmas. I love sh*t like that.I’m certain I’ll break out in some sort of dermatitis, too, but who cares? Yours are better than theirs, though. Make me one of these and I’ll wear it proudly.
“If you can read this – you’re too close.”
“My eyes are – 12 inches higher.”
“You are sleepy – you’re under my spell.”
For the lady who’s already done gotten all vagazzled… Honestly, all this tomfoolery puts me in mind of my best friend’s lingerie shower. Her sister gave her an elaborately wrapped box which, when opened, turned out to contain nothing. The sister grinned and said, “This is all your husband really wants to see you in anyway.” Laydeez, your tatas are plenty appealing au naturel! (PS, the nursing tattoos made me snorfle until I peed a little.)
Yet another niche market… You are such a visionary Wendi!
*Got Milk?- for the breastfeeding ladies or to start another round of mommy wars!
BRA. VO.
Or…
“Fresh outta the OR!”
Thank you. Dear lord, I needed this laugh.
(Have you got anything for those of us who’ve never experienced the joy of actually having cleavage?)
“Fo’ jizzle ma vajazzle!” Note to self: call Spencer’s.
Crying laughing. Really.
Mazel. Tov. Hilarious.
Much like the create your own candy heart messages, this has great creative potential. I think my Ta-ta-to will be:
Wardrobe Malfunction
And for the career woman :
“Not a Powerpoint”
Clearly, I have no doubt the company has already contacted you to buy these sayings, right? And honestly, if this isn’t a perfect example of A) you can pretty much market and sell anything and B) this is why they hate us then I don’t know what is! 😉
What timing! I was just wondering what to get Tom for Father’s Day from the little peeps. Thanks!
Too good! I’m just waiting for someone to upload a photo of their new tats on Facebook. It could be the ultimate profile pic.
How did you know I always wanted Dora on my cleavage?
Brilliant.
And for the strippers:
“Dollars in the front/Coins in the rear”
If my boobs looked as good as those photos, I’d write anything on them.
Ask me about my MBA!! Too funny. I laughed out loud.
Ask me about my MBA!! is my favorite
There is one reading “Honk if you can read this,” right?
How about “my eyes are up here” with an arrow pointing up?
This is hilarious! I like righty tighty/lefty loosey.
I’d get “My Right/Your Left”
you forgot a key ta-ta message, for us long-time married ladies:
Not Tonight
(one could add, on the belly, a followup:
probably not tomorrow)