Ladies, how many times have you found yourself thinking, “Gee, I’d really love to get flirty tattooed sayings on my breasts, but OMG, it seems like such a commitment“? Well, if you’re anything like me, the answer to that question is “Duh, all the f&*king time, fool”!
But good news, folks, because I just discovered a company called Ta-Ta-Toos that sells “temporary tattoos for your ta-tas.” (I’m not making that up.) Yes, now you no longer have to pull a dime at the Chino State Women’s prison to get some cool breast art like this:
Product Description: You’re built for performance
and in need of a high-octane fuel injection!
Obviously that tattoo won’t work for me because I’m built for comfort and in need of a Pillow Pet rather than a fuel-injection, but luckily there are many other saucy sayings to choose from, including “Bite Size” “Santa’s Helper” and “100% Natural.” And my personal favorite:
You can only add “with twins”
if you’re above a C-cup.
Just think of how thrilled your son will be years later when you stand up at his wedding reception and tell the 500 guests the heartwarming story of how you gave his daddy the news of his conception via a Hooter Message! I mean, Ta-Ta-Toos are like a Hallmark card for your cleavage, right? Or the Itty Bitty Titty Committee with a billboard budget! Wowza!
Unfortunately, the makers of these amazing tattoos forgot a few sayings that I know I’d personally love to slap onto my rather boring fun bags. For example, the nicknames I’ve given my boobs so everyone knows who is who:
Just like in real life, Shirley’s
slightly smaller than Laverne.
Or, for more practical purposes, this total time saver:
No more confusion when opening peanut butter jars!
While Ta-Ta-Toos does offer fun seasonal/Spanish sayings like “Jingle Bells” and “Mi Amor,” they’re decidedly lacking in anything for our Jewish friends. Not even a single lousy boob tattoo of “Happy Hanukkah” or “L’Chaim.” Oy vey, it’s ridiculous! So may I suggest this one?
You’ll be the hit of your son’s bar mitzvah, mama!
And let’s not forget all of those “smart” women in the world. You brainiacs with your briefcases and salaries and standards. Of course we all know you’re no fun and total sticks in the mud, what with your “education” and your “self respect” and your reluctance to put cheap stickers on your melon knockers, but seriously—how impressive would this be at your next interview?
Who needs equal pay when you’re rockin’ a D-cup, girlfriend?! Up high!
On a serious note, we all know that the wonderful nursing mothers out there need something, too. It’s not always easy to breastfeed. So moms, why not maximize your infant’s time at the boob buffet by giving him entertainment AND learning? This lactating mammary tattoo is just the thing to keep your little one laughing while he also gains an edge on the other baby idiots in his playgroup! Hello, Harvard? We’ve got a new student!
Say “theory of relativity”! Say it! SAY IT LOSER!
Finally, may I present the perfect boobie tat for all of you “ladies of a certain age” currently getting your exercise by walking laps at the mall. Believe me, just because you’re finding gray hairs in certain places, having hot flashes and eating tasteless dinners at 4 p.m. doesn’t mean you have to stop being a hot piece of meat, baby! Let everyone know you still got it goin’ on with this sassy (and anatomically correct) temp tat:
“Nipple landing” tattoo for your belly button optional.
Sure your breasts may look like two pathetic tube socks with pebbles in the toe, but with a sexy message like this, no one will even notice, Granny! Schwing!
So remember, girls: plain boobs are out. Nobody wants to see your boring old skin. Get yourself some temporary tattoos and show the world that your gigantic honkers have somethin’ to say!
Even if it’s just “I’m desperate for attention.”