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I Don’t Have PMS

by Wendi // June 30, 2012

I was just really hungry for a family-sized bag of Chex Mix.

Someone had to tell you that you’re breathing too loudly.

The dishwasher needed to be kicked.

That elderly lady on the freeway was totally asking to be flipped off.

I always sob during poignant episodes of Scooby-Doo.

I’m scowling because you’re scowling you stupid loud breathing scowling scowler.

The Returns Lady at Target is out to get me.

The zipper on my pants is out to get me.

The world at large is out to get me.

I might be out to get me.

The Jiffy Lube radio commercials are total tearjerkers.

I always put two cups of chocolate syrup in my coffee.

The bathroom mirror is an asshole.

The bathroom scale is an asshole.

The bathroom AND EVERYTHING BATHROOM RELATED is an asshole.

But especially the goddamn bathroom scale.

I told you, I don’t have PMS.

You’re just doing everything wrong today.

 

 

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Comments

  1. Andrea says:
    June 30, 2012 at 2:52 pm

    This was so perfect. I loved it. Well expressed and I hope your bloatedness and everyone being an asshole-ness goes away soon!

  2. suburbancorrespondent says:
    June 30, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Chalk one up for menopause…

  3. Marinka says:
    June 30, 2012 at 6:07 pm

    They may not all be gems, but this one is.

  4. Kristin Shaw says:
    June 30, 2012 at 9:01 pm

    Me neither. I don’t cry over silly commercials either. Or snarf a whole tray of brownies.

  5. Kristin Shaw says:
    June 30, 2012 at 9:02 pm

    P.S. The bathroom scale IS an asshole.

  6. Mom of A and a says:
    June 30, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    All very valid thoughts!!!

  7. Becky Rice says:
    July 1, 2012 at 7:29 am

    I promise to keep my mom off the freeways from now on.

  8. Shannon says:
    July 1, 2012 at 7:48 am

    I overtook and passed you in the McDonald’s drive-thru because you’re a slowpoke asshole.

  9. Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac says:
    July 1, 2012 at 8:39 am

    I’m SO trying the choco syrup in my coffee. Brilliant!

  10. AimeeKay says:
    July 1, 2012 at 10:00 am

    I want to print this out on business cards and just hand them to people before I even start talking to them! It would save so much time.

  11. Lisa says:
    July 1, 2012 at 10:56 am

    LOL! Yeah, I needed this one today.

  12. annie says:
    July 1, 2012 at 11:26 am

    And i’m reminded once again what a fucking ridiculous question it was when my ob/gyn asked me if “I was really ok with losing such a vital part of my womanhood” right before my hysterectomy. Hell yes!!

    The whole world is happier.

  13. the mama bird diaries says:
    July 1, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    I always do a complete reevaluation of my life because I’m so sad and there must be something missing and what is wrong with me.

  14. Marta says:
    July 1, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    Damn bathrooms are out to get us all

  15. Steph says:
    July 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    yep, sounds about right:) but funnier when you say it.

  16. Andi says:
    July 1, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    I am sure my bathroom scale is possessed…

  17. Cait says:
    July 1, 2012 at 5:01 pm

    Not only is the bathroom scale an asshole, it’s in cahoots with the mirror, my bathing suit and the idiots driving around town.

  18. Christine @ Quasi Agitato says:
    July 2, 2012 at 7:16 am

    Chocolate covered pretzels seem to ease my agitation with all of the above. Except the bathroom scale.

  19. Amanda Black says:
    July 2, 2012 at 7:38 am

    I’m not alone. I’m not alone!

  20. Jessee B says:
    July 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

    My bathroom scale is an asshole too. Like, every day. And so is my mirror, and the mirrors in every single department store.

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