(An actual conversation between my husband and myself.)
Chris, have you seen the shovel?
It’s probably out in the garage. Why do you need it?
Because I have to go exhume a body right now.
Of course you do.
Specifically, I need to dig up the body of Jack’s fish, BlueBlue.
BlueBlue died?
Yeah, last week when you were out of town. We had a lovely ceremony for him, too, despite the panty liner box I used as a casket. We all hummed “Firework” and swayed with pretend lighters.
I’m tearing up just thinking about it.
I was headed over to the pet store to buy another fish, but I then I found BlueBlue’s receipt and it says that if we bring in the old fish, the new one’s free.
Because it’d be ridiculous to just take the customer’s word for it, right?
Right. Because then people would be going in there all day long with black armbands on claiming their fish died. You know, now that I think about it, maybe next time I’ll videotape the fish funeral as proof. Throw in some stock footage of bald eagles flying over mountain tops and set it to some Boyz II Men. That’s what the Jackson family did when Tito died.
Tito’s not dead.
Anyway, I’m digging up the fish because the pet store’s policy says I have to bring in the dead body. You know, “Habeas Corpus” and all that.
(long pause) That is so not what “Habeas Corpus” means, Wendi.
Uh, yeah. Hello, McFly. It most certainly is. “Habeas Corpus” means “present the body.” Trust me, I watched a lot of LA Law back in the day.
And were there a lot of dead fish on LA Law?
I don’t remember because I only paid attention when Jimmy Smits took his shirt off. But I’m pretty sure the pet store’s policy includes a writ of habeas corpus. Or maybe it’s a “fish of habeas corpus.” Haha! See what I just there?
I’m trying very hard not to.
Oh, my God—I just thought of something else!
Pray tell, Alan Dershowitz. What has your genius legal mind thought of now? That the Miranda Warning only covers criminals who watch Sex & The City?
Come on, have some respect for the law, man. No, I just realized that the fish was maybe not quite all the way completely dead when we buried him.
What?
I mean, he was mostly not breathing and looked a little pallid in the fin section, but—oh my God—WHAT IF HE’S A FISH ZOMBIE NOW? And if he is, that would be totally horrible because a) I don’t know the first thing about killing and/or grooming a fish zombie and b) I’ve been pretty resistant to the whole zombie craze up until now and I really don’t want to get in on it right when it’s losing its trendiness because that’s what happened with me and the teenage vampire thing and do you know how embarrassing it is to be the only person wearing a TEAM EDWARD shirt in the mall in 2012? The kiosk workers mocked me. Wait a sec—where are you going?
To get the shovel.
Oh, good—are you going to dig up BlueBlue for me?
Nope, I’m just going to just sit in the backyard and whack myself in the head with it until I pass out.
Okay, you go right ahead. But if you turn into a zombie, too, I want you to know that I’m probably filing for divorce.
Fine, but if you do, just promise me one thing.
What’s that?
That no matter what, you’ll be your own lawyer.
…and to think I just flushed ours down the toilet! What a waste of amusement !
Very funny (… and sorry for your loss!) !!!
funny! don’t know why images of women hitting themselves in the head with heavy iron objects out of frustration is always funny to me, but they are. just like it’s always funny on TV when someone falls down.
That guy’s quick on the draw. He’s a keeper.
You had me at Boys II Men. How you worked that into a sentence also including Tito Jackson is beyond me (genius).
I almost spit out my watermelon when I read you put the fish in a panty liner box!
I’m trying so hard not to imagine what a week dead fish looks like.
My favorite part was the “Anyway…” I can’t tell you how many conversations with my husband include that fail-safe verbal U-turn.
Anyway, RIP Bluey. I’m pouring out a bit of my latte in your memory.
Cracking up at the possibility of the fish being only “mostly dead”. And Tito’s not being dead. Poor Tito. Except we don’t have to poor Tito him because he’s not dead. He’s just otherwise being Tito-y.
ACTUALLY, you were kind of right. ((I’m a lawyer.)) Win the argument with this: I misspoke. I meant Corpus Delecti (pronounced dill-ect-eye). In a criminal case, it is not enough to convict a person just on their own word. Think of the dude who goes into the cop shop and confesses to killing a person. Unless there is some other outside evidence which corroborates the confession (such as an actual dead person, even without an actual body), then you can’t get a conviction.
Habeas corpus is more like unwrongful imprisonment which is what fishy could bring against you for burying him alive in a panty liner box.
You’re welcome for more information than you ever wanted or needed to know.
–>I think the next one should be named Sushi. Then you can play it either way.
deb
Once your husband is done whacking himself in the head with the shovel, please mail it to Maryland. I think my husband could probably use it after some of the conversations I have with him.
Yeah! Pro bono by Wendi! I’m hoping you changed your mind. How smelly would BlueBlue be after a week in the ground? 🙂
We buried our hamster in a 2nd Ave. Deli, green velvet, sateen lined, giftsalami box. Our then 10 year old insisted.
Brilliant. I adore the Captain!!
This might be the greatest example of thrift ever! Way to go!
This is awesome.
@WebSavvyMom – Sushi was the name I gave my fish when I was kid!
@Julia Steele – I think you’ve hit on a perfect problem for a law school final 🙂
#1. I love the name BlueBlue. So cute. #2. Tito’s dead. But not really.
Look on the bright side, Wendi. At least Jack didn’t accidentally swallow him and end up with emergency surgery because the fish went down the wrong pipe and was “swimming” around in his lung. You doubt me? Here you go: http://edition.myjoyonline.com/pages/oddity/201205/87528.php
See? Could have been waaay worse.
And now I’m all freaked out.
Because when I accidentally poured sparkling water into my kids’ Beta fish bowl (you can’t prove it wasn’t an accident without the Corpus Delicti – yes I read all your comments) I tossed him into the toilet (because duh I don’t use panty liners) and as I hit flush the tail might have flicked once. Or twice. But I wasn’t about to go in there and get that fish.
So.
Do you think Flounder is a fish zombie now? And did he hate being named Flounder seeing as how he was a Beta fish and everything?
Also I have Law and Order on Netflix cued up if you want to come over and see Jimmy Smits shirtless.
It’s good to have goals.
What were we talking about?
Oh yeah. Tito Jackson.
Such a shame.
I told my husband if I become a zombie he doesn’t have to feel bad about killing me.
I love him that much.
This is the first of your posts that I’ve read. I’m cracking up. Out loud. People are walking by my office, sticking their head in, and asking, “What’s wrong with you, woman?”
Why do people own fish?!!!
Reminds me of the time I found my first betta floating on top of his tank after he’d been moping around for about a week. I poked him a few times and he didn’t move so I got the net and proceeded to do a burial at sea. The only problem was that as soon as he hit the water in the toilet, he suddenly started swimming around like crazy. I don’t know if it was the cold or what but he was definitely not dead and it freaked me out. So I netted him out of the toilet and threw him back into his tank where he lived for another six months. The second time I found him floating I left him in there for an extra day just to make sure there wouldn’t be another resurrection.
Fish-zombie. Another thing to worry about…
You can never win. If I actually get my ass to bring the spoiled Salsa back to Trader Joe’s they invariably say “Oh you don’t have to bring that in” and vice mtherfckin versa.
I LOVE THIS POST.
I hope it wasn’t an “Always” panty-liner box. Remember your promise…
Pretty damn lucky you didn’t flush the fish. All of our fish had a burial at sea (you know for people it’s “dust to dust” and for fish it’s “water to water”) and had some darn fine eulogies around the toilet bowl for the dearly departed…
Or like your fish, NEARLY departed. We figured if one of them actually came back to life, he could swim out to sea through the sewers like Nemo and then we would have done a mitzvah. If it got buried in the backyard, it would never have a chance of becoming a zombie because the dog would dig it up and eat it.
My husband and I were preparing the back corner of the yard for a new garden last weekend and ran across
1. The ashes of his sister’s golden retriever in a Ziploc Baggie. The box had long since decomposed.
2. A hermit crab shell with the dead hermit crab in it.
3. A mouse skull. He wasn’t our pet, but the boys thought he deserved a “proper” burial.
Really, wouldn’t you think we’d remember that corner of the yard was the pet cemetery?
Cyn
Love the name blublue and going to give it to our next betafish. After this blue one dies.
And he will and soon, b/c I’ve never had a fish last longer than a year here.
Something about my care makes their guts blow out.
xo