It’s been said that motherhood is the toughest job in the world.
And that is complete bullshit.
I’m sorry, but I have to totally disagree with Oprah on this one. Yeah, I said it. Oprah Is Wrong. (Please excuse me while I quickly go lock my front door and grab a baseball bat. There’s a very strong possibility that Gayle King just pulled up to my curb in an unmarked Humvee.)
But I strongly believe that motherhood isn’t the toughest job in the world. What about astronaut? Or neurologist? Or the guy who shampoos Elton John’s dog wigs? Those are hard jobs. We mothers can just sprawl on the couch drinking white wine and watching The Wonder Pets all day. Not that I do that, of course. Well, not anymore.
What most mothers don’t realize is that your life actually becomes easier once you have children. For example: before kids, it can be challenging to come up with excuses to get out of boring social obligations. Trust me, there are only so many times you can cry food poisoning before your boss figures out that the only thing making you puke is the thought of seeing him in a neon yellow Speedo at his pool party. But once you have kids, finding excuses is a no-brainer.
“Sorry, can’t make your wedding! Colton has explosive diarrhea!”
“Sorry, have to pass on your Pampered Chef party. Amelia has a project due!”
“Sorry, can’t give that grand jury testimony today, Senator. We have LICE.”
Oh, yes, lice. Lice is the mother of all excuses. And it will get you out of absolutely anything. In fact, I’ve falsely claimed we’ve had lice so many times, I’m surprised the Centers for Disease Control hasn’t shown up at our house with a dump truck full of delicing powder. And Seal Team 6 to rub it all over our little, lying heads.
Yet another way kids make moms life easier is that you can finally let go of all your crazy hopes and dreams and just live vicariously through your children. If you always wanted to be a dancer but never made it to Broadway, sign your daughter up for ballet! If you never became a movie star, get your son into acting! No gold medal for downhill skiing? Push that little scamp of yours down a Black Diamond run, mama!
Of course, most of the mothers I know still accomplish many amazing things on their own, but honestly. Why work so hard when you don’t have to? If the moms on Toddlers and Tiaras have taught us anything, it’s that we should all just relax, put up our feet and spray tan the hell out of a 6-year-old. Easy!
A woman’s life also becomes less demanding when she’s a mother because she can finally give up in the old looks department. This slide into sloth kicks off during pregnancy when your stomach grows and grows and you turn into a sweaty bowling ball with legs. Of course, your friends will still tell you that you look “radiant” and “glowing” and “beautiful,” but come on. That’s just so you don’t sit on them.
Then, once you have the baby, well, let’s just say if you told people you’d recently escaped from the Oklahoma State Women’s Prison, no one would argue. Things are not pretty. Not pretty at all.
Because the post-baby body is Chernobyl. Your boobs leak, your hair falls out and you’re covered in so much spit up that when the lights are out, you glow green like a radioactive alien. Although, I don’t know. Maybe that was just me.
But when you’re a mom, you spend most of your time with little people who don’t care what you look like when they’re begging you for snacks. And that’s great because then you don’t have to worry about the latest trends. Or the latest styles. Or whether or not your hair is “washed” or your feet smell like burritos. The wonderful thing about kids is that they all think their mommy is beautiful, no matter what. Husbands, well, that’s a different story. But we moms can just let it all hang out and be comfortable in our sweatshirts— and yoga pants.
Seriously, what the hell with the yoga pants? If all of the women I know who wear yoga pants actually did yoga once in awhile, our PTO meetings would probably have a lot fewer fist fights.
Finally the last, but perhaps the best, way that motherhood makes your life easier is if and when you ever get pulled over for speeding, like say, 60 mph in a school zone, you can always get out of the ticket by telling the officer that you’re only in a hurry because your baby has colic. Even if your baby is 18 and currently serving in the United States Armed Forces. Works every single time.
So the next time you hear someone complain about how tough motherhood is, please, for my sake—don’t believe them.
Especially if they have lice.
(This is what I read at our Listen to Your Mother Austin show. Videos of that genius performance will be up very soon!)
The using the kid as an excuse is a fair trade for having to watch the Wonder Pets. I hate those little fuckers, especially that duck. It needs some speech therapy and an orange glaze.
Burritos? My feet smell like fritos.
I’m really lucky that my 2 year old is a budding hairdresser, and I think a lot of the latest styles are based on her ideas. I’m sure the odd looks I get from strangers are just jealousy because my hair looks so styley combined with my yoga pants and t-shirt with unidentifiable stains. I’m rocking this motherhood lark.
My aunt (who just moved back to the state from NH) finally, for the first time, in my “home clothes”, no bra, no makeup, and she was HORRIFIED. She’s only ever seen me dressed up at holidays. I can’t lie. It was amusing.
Can’t wait to see the video! Hoping to be able to participate next year!
Wendi, you’re my hero. One day I hope to put all of your parenting wisdom to good use on my own kids.
I knew you’d pull one out. You’re a closer. Nice work!
What’s up with Stephanie up there? No one dresses up for the holidays in NH except people from out of state. That’s how we know who to shoot. Geez.
Other than that odd comment, this rocked!
LOVE. Also lice got me out of any obligations from February until April 2009. Awesome.
LOVE. THIS. Hahaha! It’s always the perfect excuse, seriously. I LOVE being a mom!
Another – recent – benefit of motherhood is that I get to take naps. My eldest once saw me yawn at 2 pm and then promptly decided that mama needed a nap. So now I start yawning my head of at 1.30 pm and by 2pm I’m alone under the covers of a warm blanket. Genius.
Funny enough (and I will probably get struck by some plague for saying this) my kids have never had lice. So I’ve never used that excuse for fear that, if questioned, I might get some pertinent delousing information incorrect and be called out as a lice liar. However, we have claimed to be in the throes of cow pox, rocky mountain spotted fever and arctic seal poisoning. Not that we’ve ever had any of those either, but then again, neither has anyone else so they wouldn’t know the difference.
Im sorry I missed it. Another one hit out of the park. Looking forward to hiding in my office locked away from THEM and seeing all the great vid from LTYM!
LOVE.
Thank you so much for this. There has been all this mommy “wars” talk lately about who has it hardest, when we should so be arguing who has it easier.
off to google where to buy some of these lice!
Seriously, you are right.
These dumb mommy wars…everyone’s life is hard. Sheesh.
Especially the rich beautiful ones who have never worked and get everything.
Now THAT: that is a hard life.
Please post video ASAP. Reading it myself is great. Actually hearing it in your voice will be priceless.
*getting pregnant right now.*
This is why you’re my favorite, mostly…because you know I love my moms (and had one who worked way too hard. She should have relaxed more, I still turned out like this) but every time I hear this hardest job thing? I go, “Sewer guy. Coal miner. Give me a toddler any day.”
But I’m not allowed to say that, so thanks. I want to come to your show next year.
What IS the deal with yoga pants? ::seinfeld voice:: 80% of women who wear them shouldn’t and the other 20% have their camel toes in full display. What is this world coming to?
Oh, this is fantastic, Wendi!
Burrito-sized bravo to you!
XOXO
A.
Wait until your Jack is a little older and you can post all about the explosive diarrhea on his Facebook wall.
That’s a good time right there.
Friday nights were never this much fun before kids, I tell you what.
Love this! Can’t wait to see the video, BF. (Burrito Feet, not Best Friend)
Quote of the Day: “Because the post-baby body is Chernobyl.” There’s no truer way to describe it.
Well this was a fun read! You’ve opened up my eyes. My “babies” are both adults now (according to the law, anyway) so I’m going to start telling people I have lice. WINNER!
Another great excuse is bed bugs. A friend of mine found 2 dead bedbugs in her apartment and her sister-in-law refused to let her come over. For passover sedar.