If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people who take forever to tell a story. You sit there and sit there and listen to them rambling on for what feels like hours and then, nine times out of 10, there’s no real pay-off. Like the woman at my gym who breathlessly greets us every morning with, “You’ll never believe what happened to me last night!” and then twenty minutes later, we find out she stubbed her toe on a garden rake. Whoohoo. Thanks for the pot boiler there, Agatha Christie. I mean, is it wrong that one morning I hope her story ends with, “…and then the coyote ate my other fingers and I passed out in my own filth in the Ross Dress for Less fitting room”? Is it?
No, what I prefer is a brief story. A quick story. An abbreviated story. A story so abbreviated, in fact, that it’s hardly there at all. But it still packs a wallop. What I prefer is the brilliance of a Long Story Short.
Like these:
I went to get a pedicure this morning and, long story short, we have to be in Vietnam by Tuesday.
The oven smelled funny yesterday and, long story short, I no longer need to wax my eyebrows.
I put that package in my luggage and, long story short, Guantanamo Bay sure has a lot of mosquitoes this time of year.
So then he said “Paper or plastic?” and, long story short, the Jaws of Life are really good at cutting people out of shopping carts.
All I did was click on the link on the bottom of the page and, long story short, we’re now urban chicken farmers.
My brother was in New Orleans last week and, long story short, can you pick him up from dialysis tomorrow?
I saw the open drawer of money in the church office and, long story short, you’re going to make lots of friends at your new school in Mexico.
My husband got into a fight with his boss and, long story short, I need to borrow your pasties, clear heels and Def Leppard CD later tonight.
I had a shot of tequila at lunch and, long story short, Mr. Kenny Rogers is currently being served with a restraining order.
See how short and refreshing those are? I bet you didn’t even yawn once.
So do me a favor and leave a Long Story Short for me in the comments. Because I know you’re all a lot more entertaining than that woman at the gym. Oh, yes, you definitely are.
I told Wendi another 20 minute long story about a garden rake and, long story short, I won’t be needing a hairbrush anymore.
See? Tell me a long story and make it short.
My parents met in the spring of 81′ and, long story short,
I’m now expecting their 10th grandchild.
Went for an early supper last night…long story short, we now have a pub table and chairs from the local bar in our basement.
My mom got off the cruise ship just fine but, long story short, she returned to the boat via wheelchair.
Spain is gorgeous. I had a fabulous time but, long story short, I definitely won’t ride in the front seat with the creepy taxi driver next time I visit.
One time at band camp…. oh heck, never mind!
Play around on Twitter far too often, and long story short, I owe Joshua Molina pictures of my children with the TV show letters Scandal painted on their nails.
The dental hygienist mistook our nanny for my daughter today. Long story short, good thing she works for a dentist.
Guy next to me on the plane would not stop talking when I was clearly uninterested, and long story short, those air marshalls really do take all threats very seriously.
I’ve read all these comments and, long story short, I’m so not funny enough. These are hilarious, Wendi! Way to bring out the clever in your readers.
This post is hilarious! Long story short, I need a new pair of pants.
–>My husband bought me flowers on Valentine’s Day, and long story short, my son was born nine months later.
deb
–>My boss is hard of hearing, and long story short, she know has hearing aids and I can’t mumble snarky comments under my breath anymore in meetings.
We were the owners of 4 urban chickens and, long story short, our dog is now facing charges on capital chicken murder.
Jaime #50, I want to hear the LONG version of this story!!
I teach 6th grade. Long story short, I drink a lot.
I found a little snake in the yard this morning, and long story short, the neighbors now have a new pet in their backyard.
He forgot to buy diapers AGAIN, and, long story short, his t-shirt from that 1996 Metallica concert will never be the same.
I took a shot of tequila, long story short, I have a 13 year old with Rat Bastard DNA.
I bought a washer & dryer from a guy who lived out in the sticks and, long story short, I now know how to convert a wall oven into a BBQ smoker.
My son has a speech impediment and long story short he thinks everyone needs a hooker. “A hooker in your room can help you take on and off your clothes… you can take a hooker fishing…”
My six year old had two deep cavities requiring multiple dentist visits and, long story short, we now own four fish and a dog.
It was very quiet in the playroom this morning and long story short, the twins didn’t need breakfast because their stomachs were full of lip gloss.
We went to Jamaica and got the kids a separate room and, long story short, it’s hard to get someone to replace a bed at 2am.
I frequently forget to watch my mouth in front of the 3yo and, long story short, the other day he told my husband to be quiet or I would kick him (Hubby) in the balls.
took my son to the zoo, long story short not all gorillas like kittens
I clicked over to read this blog post and, long story short, I’m standing in a puddle of my own pee with a smile on my face.
I signed up to play rugby last Fall, long story short, I couldn’t eat solid foods for a month and now I’m engaged.
My 3 year old son just figured out how to get water from the fridge, and long story short, he’s lucky he’s potty trained so we won’t be using his college money for diapers.
Great post! Needed this laugh today!
We rescued a couple retired racing greyhounds and, long story short, half of a ground squirrel looks a lot like my husband’s socks.
I like the way you think.
*I am not making this up*
Neighbor across the street bought a new Maserati, and long story short, it takes a while to get a Maserati out of my front porch.
Went to the Erma conference in Dayton and, long story short, I’m now a majorette in a drum and bugle corps. Klassic! Bammo!
I just figured it out.
Your long story short is Wisconsin’s “next thing ya know…”
LOVED SEEING YOU AT EBWW.
You are just always going to be adorable.
No matter what.
Started taking steroids for non-serious illness, long story short, I have Ashley Judd poofy face and my husband is afraid of me.
[…] then I got to Miami, and since we all have lives to lead, and we have learned about making a long story short, let me fast forward to the point when I went to sleep and then woke up because it seemed that our […]