STAGE 1: DENIAL
Sam, what’s going on with your big biography project? I saw Taylor’s mom at Target buying posterboard and spray mount and she told me the whole thing’s due in two days. But I thought you said it was pushed back a few weeks because the teacher had bunion surgery. What’s that? You were confused? Because sometimes “March” and “April” sound the same? And you were planning on starting the three weeks of research right after you beat the Gorgon level on your video game today? Oh, my…
STAGE 2: ANGER
GOD, kid! I don’t believe you! Do you know how important this project is? Do you? If you don’t do a good job, you’re going to get a bad grade. And just where does a bad grade lead? Not to the hallowed halls of Stanford University. Uh-huh. Not even to the hallowed halls of the freakin’ DeVry Institute of Technology located in an Arkansas strip mall. You see, my friend, if you get a bad grade on this project YOU’RE GOING TO GROW UP TO BECOME A MAGICIAN ON A CRUISE SHIP. Yeah, that stung a little, didn’t it? Card tricks and the Norwalk virus: welcome to your future, sucker. Hope you brought your drinking problem. Although, maybe…
STAGE 3: BARGAINING
if we try really, really hard we can actually pull this off. It’s just a poster and a two-page report, right? That’s not too hard. That’s doable. And I think I might actually have some posterboard left over from when we picketed Dairy Queen for thigh abuse. What’s that? You think we should use 36-point type for the report? No way, Sam. I don’t care if Joey did his that way. Because Joey’s had detention the past month for writing “EET ME” on the Science Room wall. Seriously, that genius isn’t even going to get a courtesy interview with Carnival Cruise’s maintenance crew. Anyway, just keep typing and maybe we can finish this before…
STAGE 4: DEPRESSION
I get sent to the nursing home to die in my own filth. How the hell can you only be on the third paragraph? It’s been three and a half hours. There’s no way you’re going to get this done in time. Especially when you think it’s cool to make each letter a different color and you keep inserting pictures of bacon into a report about Steve Jobs. You know what? I blame myself. I failed you as a mother, Sam. If I hadn’t gotten us kicked out of the Baby Gym classes all those years ago for “mounting an insurrection against Mizz Jilly,” you’d probably be finished by now. Yep, you’d probably be like Taylor who not only did her report in calligraphy, but did it on paper that she made out of her own mother’s dryer lint and tears. But then again…
STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE
Taylor is definitely the most tightly-wound 10-year-old I’ve ever met. You didn’t hear it from me, but girlfriend’s gonna need Botox for her stress lines by the time she hits 13, know what I’m sayin’? But you, Sam? You are actually very well adjusted. A total and complete natural disaster at time management, but still—well adjusted. Of course, the time management thing comes from your dad’s side of the…what’s that? You’re done with the report? Seriously? Hey, that looks pretty good! Sure, we’ll have to make some edits because not every sentence should end in an exclamation point and a smiley face, but still. Good job, Sam! I’m so proud of you! In fact, I’m going to go have a glass of wine and put my feet up and what do you mean we still have to finish the…
STAGE 1: DENIAL
motherf&*#ing poster?!
I’ll buy your magician’s cape tomorrow.
That is hilarious and has happened in my home many many times.
Hilarious! My son was introduced to the world of book reports this year and we went round and round more than once. I wish I had thought of the magician on the cruise ship, though. I will definitely be using that in the future!
🙂
Traci
Add in a shabby hotel, and you’ve just described my weekend in Colorado. Turns out getting a child to focus on a project while traveling is even harder than when you’re at home. Who’d thought it.
I bet my mom was the same as you when I was a kid. I was a TOTAL procrastinator! All the way into high school even.
So, good luck with him.
BTW, you know you can buy Xanax on the street right?
What stage is blinding alcoholic rage?
I don’t understand…aren’t exclamation points supposed to end every sentence?!!!!!!! And the smiley face? Well, that’s just a nice touch!!!! 🙂
Way to go, Sam! I’ll come visit you on that cruise!!
I have a presentation I am supposed to make tonight.
I’ve know about it for over a month.
Anyone want to help prepare it?
SO funny and SO TRUE! I loved the DeVry institute in the Arkansas strip mall. I’m still laughing about that.
When Kira was in third grade she had a huge project like that. I finally gave up, typed out a “final draft” and had her work backward from there with a rough draft. It’s the only way she wasn’t going to die. Either from angst and stress or from me wringing her neck. So what if the main thing she learned from the whole thing was that her mother would be more than happy to help her commit fraud. It’s better to fudge a little than to have a dead daughter and be a child-murderer. It’s all about cost/benefit.
The humor is great and all, but what I really love about your posts are the super practical take-aways…I’m off to put my dryer lint and tears to good use!
You’re like Hints from Heloise, only buzzed.
I so relate to this post X 4. =)
I love the idea of a future as a magician on a cruse ship as a threat 🙂
I can soooooo relate . . .
. . . to Taylor & her impending wrinkles.
13 is definitely when my laugh lines began to become permanently defined.
Word.
Love it!
AWESOME. Every bit of it. So real, so true, so honest. Loved it.
He is so cute, and that is going to get him annoyingly far.
p.s. I read that as Mizz Jelly.
And this is why my husband is in charge of all school projects and I am in charge of the wine.
Hahahaha! I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve told my 14 year old that if he keeps “not finishing” his homework he’ll be going to the University of Kwik Trip (gas station) and he’ll be bunking in the stall of the men’s room.
If it’s any consolation, I’m going to be going through that x3. Unless, of course, the job kills me before they reach 4th grade.
paper made of dryer lint and tears. brilliant.
Typing this with one hand as I’m sewing together a polar bear replica complete with habitat. I shit you not.
Why can’t we live close by??
Just was informed this morning in the minivan on the way to school, “Oh.Mom. I need two foam posterboards and black adhesive letters. Big Ones.”
When?
Today.
This was WONDERFUl, Wendi. I love to laugh.
Thank you.
Brilliant!!!! Love the picture too!!
I feel your pain. 4 X over.
It has gotten so bad at our house that the teacher just emails me and I do all the work. It really makes me mad when I get a B-!!
Absolutely stellar. Now excuse me, I have to go make a solar system diorama from meatballs I’ve been drying in the sun for seven days.
Wendi, you nailed it, as usual. Just went through these exacts stages last week for the 5th grade Science project. Which she waited until the last night to do. I’m happy to say I was supervising to make sure it got done, but she did it and was done by 11 p.m. Not bad.
So hilarious! I lived the “not even DeVry in a strip mall”. Spot on!
I hate making B’s too! My children are like this on their Science Fair Projects…they pick the easiest ones too! A month of research and typing is done in a weekend…
I hate making B’s too! My children are like this on their Science Fair Projects…they pick the easiest ones too! A month of research and typing is done in a weekend…
Holy hell! You need to write a book! I seriously about peed my pants reading your blog. Love it! 🙂
I never get past the “Get mommy a Smirnoff Ice before we start this damn project” stage.
Everyone loves bacon. It would have been a success.
My favorite line: “Especially when you think it’s cool to make each letter a different color and you keep inserting pictures of bacon into a report about Steve Jobs.” Too much, LOL! Your son is adorable.
Getting looks from the sunbathers at the pool outside the hotel window here for my raucous laughter. Too too funny.
And, good news, my former 10 year old (who would have been palling around with your 10 year old had they been classmates) pulled through. He only caught on about the ‘homework concept’ in September of his senior year of high school and EVEN SO, got into and graduated from a good college. I have one word for you: Canada. When the time comes, DM me.
Hey. My dad’s a magician on a cruise ship! 🙂
But it’s not Carnival, so! 🙂
How can so much genius be wrapped up in one package? Especially one as beautiful as yours?
You are so amazing, Wendi Aarons.
I am so blessed to get to read your posts.
SO BLESSED.
Truly.
I can use all this except the cruise ship magician line; my children would view that as a reward, not a threat–
I would use the magician on a cruise ship threat if I thought that would deter my son from procrastinating rather than reassure him that he’s on the right track. He would love that job!
Glad you’re doing your job and making us all laugh.
Thank you!
I fear I’ll be the mother hoping my teenage son has an affair with the teacher. Just to get out of this shit.
The big blue box store with the star or the asterisk, depending on the age, they have an extensive selection of school craft project stuff. And they’re open 24 x 7.
And a sheet of cheap paneling from the home improvement section works almost as well as posterboard.
AND you can pick up a couple cases of wine while you’re at it.
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