A few weeks ago, I was reading People magazine and saw this on their “Mailbag” page:
Two thumbs up to Mark Wahlberg for being so committed to his wife and four children. His dramatic transformation from troubled teen to bold rapper Marky Mark and now a loving dad is truly inspirational. He has become a great actor and, more importantly, a remarkable family man. As one of his biggest fans, I’m so proud of him.Janice P., Cleveland, Tenn.
Which left me with two, huge burning questions in my head: Why is Mark Wahlberg calling himself Janice P. and just when did he learn how to type?
But honestly, I’ve long wondered what kind of person takes the time to not only write a kiss-ass letter like this, but actually mail it in to People magazine’s offices in NYC. Like, mail it in with an honest to God stamp. And envelope. That they’ve licked. With their tongue. I mean, who does that? (And I know Janice mailed it because People denotes if a letter was “via email” or not. Like the one “Linda” sent in saying she’s just “so sick” of Casey Anthony. Whoa. Bold statement there, Linda. Next you’ll send an email telling us that you’ve just “had it up to here” with that Hitler fella.)
I’ve long suspected that these letter writers are actually on the payroll of the celebrities they’re fawning over. I worked in Hollywood long enough to know how that rodeo goes. In fact, there are probably ten interns locked in the basement of the William Morris agency right this very second typing out letters to InStyle magazine about Mena Suvari’s “fresh approach to table linens!”
From American Pie cutie to her genius at folding whimsical linen napkins for bridal showers, Ms. Suvari is a true treasure! I’m so proud of her vast accomplishments!
Tallulah S., Egypt
Of course, that scenario is a lot more palatable than actual Super Fans like Janice milling about. Janice who has most likely decoupaged her bathroom walls with pictures of Bold Rapper Marky Mark wearing nothing but his Calvin Klein underwear and three nipples. In that respect, she has a lot in common with the brilliant Kathy Geiss from 30 Rock who also obsessively loves Mr. Wahlberg. (And unicorns.)
Side note: Is it bad that Kathy and I share the same hairstyle and ruddy complexion issues? Sigh. Tis the Norwegian curse to always look like a wind-chapped Viking.
But I guess I should stop being so judgmental about these fawning letter writers because everyone needs a hobby. In fact, now that I think about it, I could use a hobby because one can only spy on one’s neighbors so long before their eye bags start to bruise from the over-use of night vision binoculars. So maybe I should start writing fawning letters to the editor of People magazine, too.
Like maybe this one:
Kudos to that muscular guy who stars in that one show that everybody loves but then he had the boozing/prison/marijuana problem and now he has his life back on track and I’m so proud of him with his new reality show where he salsa dances with rescued pit bulls and oh my god I’m going to go plunge my body off a suburban Best Buy so I don’t have to write this crap for one more second. You go girl!
Wendi A., Austin TX
Anyone seen a stamp around here?
____________________________
Wendi Aarons, I fucking love your work.
(And I wrote that myself.)
I’m with you about the letters. Clearly these people have too much time on their hands. Maybe they should take up blogging. That seems to take up all my “free” time and time that shouldn’t be “free” — 😀
But if on is going to dedicate time to a male star, I can think of worse than Wahlberg. I could care less about his rough past and his current family life. All that matters is if he takes his shirt off — just sayin’.
🙂
Traci
This is what happens when you read People. I only read Highlights myself. As one of Gallant’s biggest fans, I am so proud of him for maintaining his high standards for some 40-odd years.
Good stuff!
Great. Now we’re fighting.
I HEART MARKY MARK pretty near as much as Kathy Geiss does. I mean, have you SEEN the video for Good Vibrations?
OK. Here’s another personal revelation. I don’t know why I tell you these things, Wendi, but there must be something cathartic in the process – shedding secrets and all.
My husband sent a glowing letter about Rosie O’Donnell to TV guide many years ago. Not only did they print it, it was their highlighted fan letter of the week.
Is it more troubling that he wrote and sent the letter, or that we had a subscription to TV guide? Ummm. Definitely the Rosie thing.
And how do we know you wrote this?
a”friend of Jeff” via comments
Switch to US Weekly. Then you can find out 25 Things You Don’t Know (and never cared to know) About some B list celebrity whose fame stopwatch reads 14:59.
Despite having the requisite hands, I don’t think people who read US Weekly can write, they can only blog or tweet (that includes me).
I just love that you make time to read the People’s mailbag.
OMG you’ve been ghost-tweeting for Jackee all along.
Love this.
I don’t understand those letters either.
Your letter is so much better than theirs, People should just publish it each month. Or week (I’m not actually sure how often People comes out).
Mena Suvari is nothing if not a maven of table linens.
And they’ll be carrying her line at WalMart soon.
(Nothing makes me sadder than seeing the online comments people write into US Weekly. This is an example: Chris Brown is DA BOM. It don’t matter if he gots himself into some trubble. He rise abuv 2 B da BOM again.)
You make a fair point.
It’s almost as sad as people commenting on blogs… sigh…
You may not be that far off. I ran into a girl I went to HS years ago and she told me she worked for Parade. A few months later I noticed her name in the magazine. It was signed a letter in Walter Scott’s Personality Parade.
I enjoyed hanging with you and your hubby in Austin. And THANK YOU so much for the VIP pass at the party. I never wanted more than that night to make out with an electric heater.
Dear Wendi and People Magazine,
You know who I love? Kevin James! He’s such a talented actor and comedian. I can’t believe someone as handsome as he is can have so much talent. Everything he does is just so amazing.
Signed,
Kev…er, Ken, NYC
The salsa dancing with rescued pitbulls…what channel is that on again? I think I’m definitely missing out!
lot of funny stuff in there. and truth, too. but, this has got to be the funniest line of the whole thing:
“Why is Mark Wahlberg calling himself Janice P. and just when did he learn how to type?”
still laughing…
I actually wrote an open letter to people who write to PUS magazines (that’s the trade term for People + Us) on my blog…it never once occurred to me that they were celebrity shills doing the writing but once again you’ve drawn back the curtain. You are a genius.
Signed,
Mr. Wendi AaronI mean Frank Schmitty from BrooklynSeen at Best Buy near exit 9 of my own suburban nightmare:
CAUTION: Watch for falling Wendi Aarons.
Wendi – you freakin’ kill me!
I sent an email to People magazine once. I wanted them to stop running stories about Carnie Wilson until she did something worth while.
They didn’t publish it.
I can’t wait for Mark Wahlberg to file for divorce.
So THAT’S the page of People I should flip to when I’m waiting in the check out line at the grocery store… Far more interesting the the twins separated at birth stories are are inevitably found at that magazine’s “natural part” (meaning the page it falls open on – which I probably should have just said since an explanation seems necessary…)
If that letter you wrote is about Robert Downey Jr., then I’ve got your stamp, lady.
(Also, we Swedes have the wind-chap, too. Skoal.)