As you all know, it’s now been a few months since I had a psychotic break and agreed to be the Fourth Grade Room Mom, but I have to say, it’s going much better than I expected. True, what I expected was that I’d be hovering on the ledge of a highrise screaming, “I AIN’T COMIN’ DOWN THERE TIL ONE A YOU SHREWS SIGNS UP FOR FREAKIN’ LUNCHROOM DUTY! YEAH, YOU BETTER CALL THE SWAT TEAM MINDY! I’M GONE JUMP, ASSWIPE! Hey, why are these pigeons looking at me funny?” so I guess that’s not really saying much.
Anyway, not to brag, but here are just a couple of my recent Room Mom triumphs:
Triumph #1:
Sent email to the classroom parents that said:
“Attention all! On March 1st at 1:00 p.m., Rick The Science Guy will be performing Science experiments on our kids!”
And believe it or not, not only did no one get upset that I accidentally typed “on” instead of “for,” I even had a few moms specifically ask if their children could be the unwitting guinea pigs. Isn’t that sweet? (Also, those moms are now on my list of “houses my sons are not allowed to visit without major supervision and/or a hidden camera in their Beyblades.” I mean, WTF?)
Triumph #2:
Successfully got out of school carnival booth duty because, upon finding out our booth was the M*A*S*H tent where parents dress the kids with bandages and fake corn syrup blood, I started hysterically screaming and told the other moms that there was absolutely no way I could do it because I’d have “gnarly ‘Nam flashbacks, man.”
Of course, you and I both know that I’m far too young and weak to have fought in the Vietnam War, and that my ‘Nam flashbacks are actually about the day I had the stomach flu and “Good Morning Vietnam” was stuck in the VCR and I had to watch that turd three times in a row, but none of those ninnies figured that out and therefore I got to spend the entire carnival stealing food from the Cake Walk and making fun of the idiot woman who wore a white t-shirt in the dunking booth.
I swear, sometimes it’s just too easy.
Triumph #3:
Delegated the planning and execution of our 4th grade teacher’s bridal shower to a mom who travels with her own crystal vases and chocolate fountain. Meaning, no workee for the Wendi. Then, during the bridal shower, I contributed by sidling up to the other parents and whispering, “If a cop shows up, he’s probably not really a cop. WINK. Hahahaha! By the way, do you have any singles?”
Morale building. Just as important as crystal vases, baby.
Triumph #4:
At the class Valentine’s Day party, watched a jumpy 9-year-old named Braydon down two huge Pixy Stix, some Fun Dip and what appeared to be a kilo of Red Hots in under 10 minutes. Then, in my official capacity of Room Mom, performed a very important public service by telling him what “detox” is and why he should strongly consider it.
“You may start shaking a little and see some weird psychedelic cyborgs on your bedroom wall, but that’s all part of the sugar leaving your system, kid,” I told him. “So why don’t you just go ahead and just give me all of your Valentine’s chocolate now for safe keeping? No, not the cheap kind. The Godiva kind. There you go, hand it over. That’s a good boy. Hey, where’s the Almond Roca? OMG, are you still holding? NARC! NARC!”
Obviously, with this much incredible success, I’ll probably be asked to be Room Mom again next year. And the year after that. And the year after…
Shit.
I’ll be up here with the pigeons if you need me.
Wow! You make it seem so easy! I just participated in my daughter’s Kindergarten Valentine’s Day party and demanded carryout on account of exhaustion.
Screw room mom for ungrateful kids. I’ll pay you to be my room mom (currently, the kitchen) if you’ll bring that *cop* by.
And that’s how you end up in Parent’s magazine. Congratulaions by the way.
I am so disturbed/amused that there is a M*A*S*H booth like that at your school carnival.
Is normal facepainting too preschool?
Do kids even know what M*A*S*H is or are they just drawn in by the potential to be covered in fake blood? How about a violent street crimes booth where you dress kids up like victims of a drug deal gone wrong? So fun!
At least you didn’t email the parents and say “Let me know if you didn’t receive this email.” I’m not saying I did that. Just someone did.
You are way braver than me. I said no to the room mom gig. I just suck at sending out emails on time. and I double-suck at calling people and asking them to do things.
I once sent my co-room mom a class party update and may or may not have used the word “biatch” and apparently I included the teacher on the classy email.
Just something else to add to your resume.
Did you eat all of Braydon’s chocolate, yet? Or was that a dumb question…
I signed up to do a party when my daughter was in the 5th grade. Despite the fact that the kids loved me and my games, I was never asked back again. Apparently, kids going home covered in toothpaste is looked down upon.
Welcome to the ledge, honey. Just tell the pigeons to move the fuck over.
Sometimes , just too easy.
For minds like yours.
The rest of us, fall into it and actually do what we’re asked.
Yes, dumb like that.
You: smart like fox.
Here here to wendi aarons.
i also due to a major lapse in sanity am room mom in a first grade classroom. my holiday party was such a fiasco it ended with the teacher giving me a hug and saying without much conviction “it wasn’t really all your fault.”
i felt a lot of pressure for valentine’s day festivities, and i’m gonna call it a success b/c only 1 child ended up in the nurse’s office this time.
You are a saint. I am not sure if I even know how to get to my their school. All hail the bus. xo
Bravo!! After 3 kids and something like 10 years, I’m down to 1 kid and only 1 more year (not counting this one) in elementary school. I’m requesting the 5th grade teacher who is anti-party. I just can’t take it anymore!!!!!
I organized a pancake breakfast for the school. Here’s what I determined to not be as funny to others as they were to me:
Telling the PTA President there is a whip cream bikini contest afterwards and she is first.
Looking at the pan of sausage and asking if there was a little dog or two running around and going poop or employing the 5 second rule for the one that fell on the floor.
Telling some kid syrup is the same as the hair gel his mother uses.
Telling the student counsel table wiping crew to stand over the people who are eating and make them feel uncomfortable so they will move along; table time is money… turn ’em over, turn ’em over.
Serving said table wiping crew donuts and orange juice so they “keep going strong”
Sponsering a dark and quiet room for the little kids only to have a strobe light start flashing and a screaming clown jump in. Looks like we now know who the bed-wetters are and who is afraid of clowns.
But we turned a $1000 profit and I am stuck again next year. See ya on the cover of Parent magazine.
–>My son is in Pre-K and most of the other moms don’t work. This benefits me because when there is a sign-up sheet to help with the classroom — the ink isn’t even dry — and they’ve filled every slot.
Have fun with THAT, ladies.
I just got signed up for the “Tea and Manners” booth of the 5th Grade Colonial Day in March. Which is why a certain group of Oakland 10 year olds is going to grow up believing that the Founding Fathers asked their wives for tea by saying, “Yo, woman, bring me the sizzurp!”
Bridal showers would be so much better with strippers.
No worked for the Wendi – love it. And I had forgotten how much I love Almond Roca.
But seriously Wendi, stop being an Awesome, Involved Parent. You’re making the rest of us look bad.
Next time see if science guy can do some lipo on the side? If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.
Fake blood is very hard to get off shoes so you were really saving a lot more than yourself at the fair.
Love your Nam flashbacks. Do you collect benefits?
Your abilities are amazing. Are you considering offering your services for children who aren’t, technically, yours?
I didn’t know they still sold Pixy Sticks and Fun Dip. I ate it all the time when I was a kid. That stuff should be outlawed.
Sounds like you’re doing a stellar job.
so, it’s definitely been awhile and…i feel like a dirty cheater coming back to his home after a hard night, i really have no idea what i just read about; i’m THAT far behind.
but this: “I had to watch that turd three times in a row”
that – just made my entire year of man slavery worthwhile. Thanks. 😛
I’m now trying to imagine what it would have been like if you had gone to nam :p
It is quite clear to me that we have the same school carnival…ours has a catchy name, which I won’t share, but we have the M.A.S.H. tent and the cake walk, plus as I blogged about a car raffle, which I ran. Oh yes, I did. I am pretty sure I still need to consider some kind of post-traumatic hypnotherapy from the experience.
I, however, have not been able to bring myself to return to the room mom gig since preschool. Oprah (or was it Nancy Reagan?) told me I can Just Say No. And it doesn’t just work with drugs anymore, either. Awesome, right?
Love your blog! Totally pink puffy heart your Tweets!
Ashley
http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2011/09/16/volunteeritis-the-disease-to-please/
This was breathtaking.
(Seriously, I cannot breathe from laughing so hard.)
Please come lead my daughter’s girl scout troop. Because we’re replenishing the local food pantry, camping in the woods, and selling thousands of boxes of Thin Mints all in one week and I would like you to email Rick the Science Guy and ask if he could lobotomize me.
Hey.
Sometimes, when you get a little *behind* in laundry, all that’s left is the white t-shirt.
So maybe next year’s carnival could have a booth next to the dunk tank where the parents can predict what size coin Johnny’s Mommy’s nipples most approximate.
#moneymaker
Oh yeah.