Or until tomorrow when the big truck finally shows up to carry all of our possessions to our new house. It really feels like we’ve been doing this for months, doesn’t it? Right now everything we own is either in a box or in the giant crap pile that’s eagerly waiting to be picked up by The Salvation Army. (Crap pile treasures include, but are not limited to, 20 Toyotathon keychains, a broken Darth Vadar mask, irregular cat toys and a Cal King headboard that we bought at Al’s Discount Furniture in North Hollywood 15 years ago for $50 and some green stamps.) And the crazy part is, we’re just moving .5 miles away.
But at least my son Sam is keeping busy by trying to amuse the movers:
Luckily, he wrote it on a box filled with my wedding china, so I’m sure that’ll end well.
And then this morning, I found this written on the box filled with things from the Master Bathroom:
Yeah, that’s right. Look closely. Because some jackass added a little “e” to the end of the letters so now the movers will think I’m some sort of freaky perv with a box full of OMG—WHAT THE HELL WILL THE MOVERS THINK IS IN THAT BOX? THINGS WITH BATTERIES?? NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES?? OH, GOOD GOD—-LOTION?? (By the way, that is a 100% rhetorical question. Please don’t give me your theories in the comments section.) Of course, nobody around here will cop to writing it, but yesterday afternoon I had some of my neighborhood friends over for drinks, so you do the math. Bunch of 40-year-old losers. I’m glad I’m moving .5 miles away from them. GLAD.
Moving on to less prurient things, the other day when I was in our new house, I noticed this:
Weird, right? So I then posted the picture on Twitter and Facebook and said, “This is in my new house. Is it a diving board? Surf board? Confused.” And here are some of the things people suggested it might be:
- Laptop holder/insta-office/Murphy desk
- A place to tie your children to for a Texas-sized Time-Out
- Guest bed for visiting elves and squirrels
- Something to use for leverage when performing the Heimlich
- A shirt folding board just like at The Gap!!
- Pretty floral weight bench
- Tiki bar/waterboarding device depending on my mood
- “I don’t know, ask Dick Cheney”
- Baby changer, no straps or baby required
- Infant to toddler conversion bed
- Manhattan apartment
- A place to iron Miss Dickens’ cat pageant costumes
- Dead body holder
Personally, I don’t think any of them are right, but I guess I’ll see if the elves and squirrels who are visiting for the holidays think it’s comfortable. Then I’ll know for sure. But for now, I can’t worry about it because I’m off to clean some more rooms, organize some more closets and pack some more boxes.
And most important, hide that damn Sharpie.