Or what time it is. Because you know what’s smart? Packing up your house and moving into another one right before the holidays. Nothing says, “Merry Christmas, honky!” like having all of your possessions sealed up in a cardboard box just waitin’ to be put on a truck. Here’s just a sample of the madness:
The bad news is I don’t know which one contains my underwear. The good news is I do know which one contains my coffee filters and stapler.
But I’ve actually learned a lot about my family while cramming their worldly possessions into boxes. For example, I now know that my son Jack has a lot of Silly Bandz, my son Sam has a lot of football cards and my husband Chris has a stockpile of 4,000 backpacks and therefore might be a secret whack-o survivalist who’s going to make me hike to the Utah desert and live with inbred uranium miners until the Rapture comes. See? The things you learn!
I’ve also met a lot of interesting people throughout this process, like the toothless floor refinishers and the new lawn guy who calls me “Mrs. The Lady.” (And who is replacing my old lawn guy Chainsaw Jesus.) But my favorite person has to be the swarthy gentleman who filled up the propane tanks at my new house. Tell me if you think this is funny: “For a propane guy, you sure don’t swear very much!” Yeah. That asshole didn’t either.
(Idea: A propane company called “Profane Propane.” Slogan: “We Bring The Fucking Heat.”)
(Don’t even think about stealing it.)
Besides all of the moving drama, this is also the time of year when the Idiot Room Mom is called to duty. Yes, there’s no bigger month for the Idiot Room Mom than December when teacher gifts, door decorating and holiday parties abound. And, believe it or not, I’m totally rising to the occasion. Totally. In fact, I even told the other parents to call me with any questions and concerns and so far, they haven’t had even a single one. Or at least I don’t think they have. I had my home phone service disconnected a few weeks ago.
But even though I’ve been doing a stellar job, I will come clean and admit that I didn’t really help my co-Room Mom decorate the classroom door with the assigned Nutcracker theme. I mean, I totally would have, but a) I’m scared to death of The Mouse King b) the administration wouldn’t let me include even one picture of a kid being kicked in the groin even though it’s THE NUTCRACKER, hello? and c) I’m allergic to felt.
At least I redeemed myself via helping her choose the Tropical Holiday theme for the class party. Of course, “Tropical Holiday” isn’t nearly as genius as my rejected party suggestions of “Tarts & Vicars,” “Disco Baby Jesus” and “Each Kid Gives Mrs. Aarons $20 Or She’ll Keep Writing Mean Things About Yo Mamma on Facebook.” (Note: I’m just kidding about that last one. Like I’d stop the trash talk for less than $100.) So now, not only am I in charge of coordinating Hawaiian-ish food and beverages for the kids’ party, but I also have to get the students a little holiday gift even though I have absolutely no time to go shopping. But that’s okay. In fact, I’ve already figured out what I’m going to give each and every single kid in the class: a backpack.
And maybe a cardboard box filled with ladies underwear if they’ve been extra good.
But is Chainsaw Jesus coming with you to your new house?
And all my stuff has been in boxes in storage since July. I’m still wearing the same clothes I packed for Atlanta this summer. Now that it’s gotten cold, I’m thinking I might need to actually buy some pants.
You know what you should give them? Packing tape. Or a box cutter. With a tip: make yourselves useful……for once. Or you could just leave that last part out.
I’ve been in my new place 5 months. I can’t find my back-up hard drive and up until 2 days ago couldn’t find my electric razor. I found the charging base, but no razor.
While looking though some purses, I found the razor in one of its side pockets. I was relieved and then scared for myself.
Mom says the French have an expression: “3 moves equals a fire.”
The propane company name and slogan? They tell me that you should be in advertising. Forget being the Room Mom—there’s no money in it.
There’s actually an air conditioning guy here who buys a billboard. Next to his exceptionally large and douchey picture he says simply, “Your wife is hot”. Not sure, but he might already have that whole “bringing the fucking” thing locked. I’ve never called to see what he actually brings.
I hope the Tropical Tarts With $20 festivities go smashingly. Apropos of nothing, I do so love the moving boxes. “This end up” always reminds me of a comical coffee mug.
How much will it cost me to have you write mean things on facebook about people I don’t like?
Copyright that propane slogan before some unethical schmuck makes it their own.
Take the kids on a field trip and have them help you move! Tell them that that is what the Christmas season is all about. Helping the less fortunate ones!
Snort, chuckle, chortle.
Damn this is funny, Wendi.
You’re really such a giver. They’re lucky to even get backpacks considering your husband may need them once the Rapture comes.
The Rapture already came. Where were you?
The best thing to do with the moving boxes is have the Salvation Army haul them away and start over. Otherwise, everything that is lost, broken, or no longer working will somehow be all your fault.
You just ignited a 25 year earworm–a middle school choral original “Christmas in Tahiti”
Thanks for that.
Sooo… the boxes in my kitchen aren’t “trendy” they’re “honky”? Especially since I’ve lived here for about 8 years? Awesome.
I just found out from the moving experience that my husband is a soup hoarder.
Love this!! Wendi, I’m in your same Hell with a pre-holiday move. But I’ve added grad school, a full-time job and a husband who didn’t get the “hook up the washing machine asap” memo. But I did know where to find my wine opener. So I’ve got that going for me.
I see a hoarderer spouse theme here. Mine would still come out the winner in this one. I found mixed tapes and a yellow Walkman during our move last year. Yes, the batteries were still in.
Profane Propane is a brilliant company name. I’m moving right now too and it kind of blows.
I move 12/20…I’m on crack what can I say. I told my kids Christmas is packed away in a box…or I will, I still have not started packing.
I imagine it is a very smart thing to do before the holidays. In fact, I would wrap all the boxes in Christmas paper and then you have lots of Christmas presents put them under the tree and on Christmas day let the children do all the ‘un-packing’
This one is definitely a gem!
Mrs. The Lady, we’re all just glad you didn’t seal up that sense of humor in the box alongside the meat tenderizer and a full garbage can. (Yes, those two things were packed up and shipped cross country for us by some unquestioning movers.)
Re: the propane slogan… it’s my new favorite, even with the f-word. It replaces the honey wagon with the slogan, “It may be shit to you, but it’s our bread and butter.”
I totally feel your pain. I am moving to a new apartment this month! Good thing is I’m only packing for myself, but I discovered I have a whole bunch of co-ax cables. Why? No idea. I usually anal-retentively label all my boxes but decided not to so I can have some post-Christmas surprises when I unpack. Fun!
Oh! It’s Saturday, December 10th. At 8:45 AM!
You’re so welcome.
Now. Can you tell me the difference between a DISH PACK box and DISH BARREL box?
(And what the hell is a dish barrel? Is it more fragile than underwear? And why does the “medium” box look so small? How small would a “small” box be? And what would you put in there? These are the questions that keep me up at night.)
I’m so sorry.
I still haven’t put up my pictures from when we had the house painted about 8 years ago. So I just bought new stuff.
For America.
thanks for the laughs!
I love Mrs. The Lady.
we moved last year and we still have like 40 boxes to unpack (i know at this point i should just get rid of them, but that is so not how i roll)
for the first three weeks after we moved we could only find wine glasses and serving spoons, which the kids and i thought was just grand. but my husband, not so much.
Okay the propane company idea is genius. I almost like it as much as my idea to open a liquor store called “Cunt Liquors” because come on, think of the slogans. I would open it on the corner of Lunt and Sheridan in Chicago.
Ok, so I moved to China 6 months ago and am just now getting caught up on all that I’ve missed (maybe because I’m just now getting a fairly decent internet connection).
Anyhow, I keep getting sidelong glances from my roommate and the college student that is visiting our apartment. Apparently, I’m drawing a bit of attention to myself by chuckling while they silently study some gargantuan multi-volume work of academic articles. I think we all know who the winner is here. Suckers.