My parents love The Today Show. They’re both retired, so they usually turn it on around 7 a.m., then just keep it going on one or two TVs until they leave the house or it’s finally over. When my kids stayed with them this past summer, I knew they also watched a lot of the show, but I had no idea how much until 9-year-old Sam suddenly started acting like a mini-Perez Hilton.
“Look at that, Mom,” he said in the grocery store, pointing to an US Weekly cover about Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony’s divorce. “Like we didn’t all see that coming. He’s always been jealous of her career, you know.”
“Oh, please,” he muttered upon seeing a picture of Prince Albert of Monaco and his new wife. “I give that marriage six months. A year, tops. Someone apparently has a ‘wandering eye…'”
“Is this Brittney?” he asked in the car when a Brittney Spears song came on the radio. Then he lowered his voice to a loud whisper. “I hear she drinks.”
To put this in perspective, the only things Sam previously had opinions on were football, Harry Potter and the cleanliness of his room. So to hear him now tell his clueless little brother that, “Warner Bros. is banking a lot on the new Batman movie reviving the franchise” is a bit of a shock. I half expect him to demand only coconut water and amphetamines in his lunch box.
It’s also obvious that he watched The Today Show sitting right next to his Grandma, because now, whenever he sees Ann Curry, he shakes his head and snips, “Well, she’s no Meredith, that’s for sure. For the love of God, what is she wearing?” And don’t even get him started on that “wasted menopausal trainwreck” of Kathie Lee and Hoda unless you have at least three hours to kill. For the life of him, he can’t understand how they keep their jobs.
But I guess I should be happy that Sam and I now have new things to talk about. Like the other day when we were in the crowded orthodontist’s waiting room and he picked up a magazine with Charlie Sheen on the cover. “What a waste,” he sighed. “Just think of all the millions he put up his nose, right Mom?”
“Um,” I stammered as every face in the room turned to look at us, all wondering what kind of horrible mother tells her children about Charlie Sheen. I mean, even Charlie Sheen’s mother doesn’t tell her children about Charlie Sheen. “What…why…how…I know! How about if you put that magazine away and buy stuff on my iPhone instead! Please? Here you go—type in ‘rare Pokemon cards’!”
But then Sam showed me that even though he’s now a slick Hollywood gossip expert, deep down he’s still my sweet, little 9-year-old boy. Pushing the magazine away, he shrugged his shoulders, scrunched up his face and said, “But what I don’t understand is how you can put money up your nose in the first place, much less a million dollars. He must have big nostrils, I guess. Big, huge Charlie Sheen nostrils.”
And with that, I finally relaxed and realized that while Sam may talk the talk, he doesn’t quite understand it enough to walk the Hollywood walk.
At least, he won’t until my parents start showing him videos on TMZ.com.
Can you do me a favour? Can you ask Sam what his thoughts or predictions are for the latest Jersey Shore hook up? And also, the Kardashians. I need to understand the Kardashians. Maybe he can help…..
I agree with Catherine–I don’t understand the Kardashians either.
VERY funny post! I love it!
That is TOO cute. And like you’re other commenters, I’d like to hear his thoughts on the Kardashians as well–and maybe also on Real Housewives of New Jersey. What an awesome post.
Wiping my tears, so funny.
I say, for our sake, don’t stop him…I can’t tell you how I howled with laughter when baby E read out loud “Rosie in gay round up” at the grocery store check out, and smirked, “like they need to tell us.”
Kills. every time.
LOVED this post, Wendi.
Going to read it again, for the Charlie Sheen part.
I’m with Alexandra. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard.
I love Sam’s view on Kathie Lee and Hoda. Very apt. If he ever finds out how they do keep their jobs will you have him let me know?
Also, can I spend a summer with your parents? They sound like my kind of people!
I think he needs to guest blog here and give us all the scoop!
“Big, huge Charlie Sheen nostrils”! Thanks for the snort-worthy quote. It made my day.
Thanks for cracking me up! I have an oh-so-old-so-young 9 year old daughter. Maybe she and Sam can play.
I’d get along really well with your parents. And, apparently, Sam.
Charlie Sheen actually has Grand Canyon nostrils, so the boy is astute in all things.
Wendi, you have been named as a householder that may be interested in our new WEbinar/live course curicullum, meant to bring the family together, preferably in seperate rooms. Coming this fall:
The Dust Bunnies Scare Me: This course relaces Organize Now, by Betty Trendsutter. It focuses on why the decay of your life scares you, and learning to embrace it. Spouses invited for the last session. $90 three nights a week.
Grandparent Visit Deprogramming:
You left your children with YOUR MOTHER, and now don’t know where to turn? You are not alone, most moms have to resort to this at some point in their lives. This course covers basics including, “Grandma makes REAL food”, to the more complicated issues of “Nana said at my age you…” This course is a must to gain control of your tykes precious little brain and kick out what it took you thousands in therepy to get past yourself. $75 Monday through Frday, a full day class that the child must attend with the parent on Saturday. It takes a full week to weaken the hold.
Pets, Understanding the Hierarchy in Your House: Free Course!
You feed them groom them, take them out, entertain them, and clean up after their bodily functions. Do you know where they fit now, or does it have to be clearer than that?
Sign up now for the live courses, space is limited. WEbinars of the live sessions will be available after we photoshop the drinks in the students hands to “pop”.
perez had better watch his back, your son knows his shi.. i mean his stuff.
I want to watch the Today Show with your mother!
Don’t let him near my hubs—TMZ junkie. He’s like a hausfrau in rollers talking about Hollywood peeps I’ve never even heard of while I choke on my coffee. Your mom is right…pfft. Ann is NO Meredith and she’s kind of a fashion trainwreck at times. This coming from someone who buys clothes in a red plastic shopping cart with generic Tostitos but…….still.
Tell Sam that when he’s ready, I know someone who can hook him up with some great coconut water.
ha! what a great kid!! I think he should meet my Calle. I’m starting her slow, teaching her phrases like, “ice ice ice in my cup baby!” and, “more cowbell ding ding.” Today we’re working on whackadoodle, yo baby and what up dawg? I could use Sam’s gossip lines 🙂
This made my morning complete.
Sam sounds kind of awesome
Priceless.
Sam, I am blinded by your awesome.
Ha, Sam’s going to be bringing Star to playdates.
Celebrity trash is my weakness.
Sheen does have big nostrils.
I laughed out loud this entire post.
Hilarious!
Well, he’s right. Especially about Hoda and KL. I mean, really.
Can Sam come over and watch TV with us? My kids are sick of my color commentary on the ‘The Kardashians’. He sounds like our man!
If he’s lucky, he’ll grow up to become like my college roommate who used to yell “Have another drink, Bernice” at the Philly TV news anchor whenever we turned on the news, a practice she picked up at her father’s knee in Trenton, NJ. She was relaying the Jerry Penacoli/Gerbil/ER visit rumor before anyone else even knew it was a story.
I predict a career in journalism. Or law.
“I mean, even Charlie Sheen’s mother doesn’t tell her children about Charlie Sheen.” LOVE.
Hilarious.
Watching the Today Show will definitely inform you. If he had been watching next to my Mother he would now be in a panic over every story they discussed about health, food, or education…and every celebrity would be “trash.”
Love it.
Ah, grandparents – such wonderful influences. I would actually love to watch The Today Show with them.
Wasted menopausal train wreck is my favorite. Because it’s so, so true. Stupid Kathie Lee.
Ah ha! Marinka is not really responsible for the We Weekly Chats; it’s Sam ghost blogging for her. Right?
Your Mom and I have similar feelings about Ann. Today she was wearing leftover casino carpet.
I think I’d prefer coconut water and meth over the chewy Metamucil concoction I remember my grandparents mixing up right before they tortured me with The Price is Right.
I have heard that Albert’s eye is not the only thing which is ‘wandering’…
This is so cute!
Kathie Lee and Hoda are the reason I watch television.
I’ve never been clear on when the Today Show actually ends… Thought perhaps it was a 24/7 thing.
Love it. I’m envisioning Charlie putting dollar bills up his nose. I also find it hilarious to imagine one of my kids keeping me up to date on Hollywood gossip.
[…] This kid really knows his celeb gossip! […]
I like your mother. A lot.
I want to see Sam interviewing celebs on the red carpet.
FYI: I’m nominating you for the prestigious and highly coveted Versatile Blogger Award on Monday (which you can accept, or not…it’s completely up to you)! Congratulations! 😀
Incidentally, my post (Food for Thought) will be live around 5am EST and I’ve linked to your site. Hope that was okay and that you’ll be somewhat flattered. 😉
Thanks so much for writing so well (hence, the award)!
Best,
Planet Mom
http://www.melindawentzel.com
Thank you Wendi. You have no idea how much I needed that laugh. I can’t recall how I stumbled upon you but I’m sure glad I did.
Big Charlie Sheen nostrils is my newest favorite phrase.
The girl would watch random crap tv at my parents and I was always STUNNED to hear her discuss, in detail, the lives of “famous” people.
PS Poor Britney. She deserves a drink.
Reminds me of my naive 12 yr old girl. She freaked me out one day by telling me her friends were “sexually active”. She even used the air quotes. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I asked her to explain how she knew. “Well, a boy came up to my friend and did this” (she then proceeds to show me a 2-fisted pelvic thrust). “Then my friend smiled and laughed and said that was her boyfriend…..Mom…they were acting sexually!” To which I replied…”yes, that’s being sexually active and that’s bad.” I love my daughter!