Tuesday afternoon, I opened up my Mac Book to do some internet research on microeconomics and water supplies in developing nations. Only, when I typed in Food-Service-Hotties.com, I mean DoGooders101.com, nothing came up. My internets, they weren’t a working.
I immediately ran to my husband, shoved my laptop baby at him and said, “Fix, please.” He gave me the, “What the hell did you do now?” look, then 10 minutes later, told me I had an appointment at the Apple store the next morning. “Why, what’s wrong with it?” I asked. “Did I get a virus from all of the Real Housewives naked video sites that I would never, ever visit in a million years?”
Chris then told me, in very specific detail, what was wrong with my computer, only the whole time he was talking, my brain heard this:
Yeah, that’s right. For some reason, whenever someone starts rambling on about technical stuff or how to change a flat tire or are you listening to your father, Wendi? I’m telling you important things about camping safety! my head is immediately filled with The Trammps singing “Disco Inferno.” I really don’t know why. Maybe I shouldn’t have hung that poster of John Travolta wearing sexy white disco pants in my room during my formative years or something.
So the next morning I charged into the Apple Store for my appointment at the Genius Bar. My particular Genius—-let’s call him “Peanut” because, well, it’s just funny to call a hipster tech guy “Peanut”—started off by asking me what the problem was. I (very competently) told him that the AirPort thingy doohickey on the whatzit didn’t appear to be working right, then he proceeded to say lots of important technical things while I didn’t listen and chanted, “And that is when my spark got hot, I heard somebody say–Burn baby burn!” under my breath. I may have also been doing a little light hip thrusting, you’d have to ask Peanut.
Unfortunately, my laptop then had to undergo some sort of “diagnostic testing” in the back room where they keep the Geniuses who aren’t yet ready for public interaction. While I waited, I focused on the messy college girl next to me who was in hysterics over her broken computer. She kept calling her mom on her iPhone to give minute by minute recaps. “I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH IT, MOM. BUT IF MY BLAH BLAH BLAH PUBLIC POLICY PROJECT IS LOST, MY LIFE WILL BE RUINED!”
This made me think back to when I was in college and had a similar experience. Only it was more like me waiting in line to use the pay phone at the Gamma Phi Beta house so I could tell my mom that I’d run out of typewriter ribbon and was probably going to flunk “Camp Songs for All Occasions: 102.” (But I’m sure I would have passed it if I’d had a $1,200 computer back then. I mean, how hard is it to deconstruct “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” when you have Wi-Fi, for God’s sake?)
“So, those are the reasons why you need to leave it here for 3 to 5 days,” Peanut then announced. “Is that OK? Sorry, but I don’t know what ‘Satisfaction, came in a chain reaction’ is supposed to mean. Does that mean you understand?”
“Of course I….what? You’re taking my baby away? OVERNIGHT?” I yelped, and the Genius coldly handed me my empty laptop bag so I could shuffle out of the store like I’d just lost my best friend. What was I supposed to do now? I thought. Now that I didn’t have my Mac Book? Use my old…PC?! Like an animal? It was a dark, dark time for Old Mrs. Aarons.
“Do you think the Genuises are kissing it good night like I always do?” I asked Chris later that night while I wiped away a tear and tried to surf the Internet on a sticky Fisher-Price telephone. “Because I don’t think Peanut has a lot of empathy. He’s like a robot with really cool wireless glasses and interesting facial hair. He doesn’t know my pain.”
“I’m sure it’ll be just fine,” Chris said while trying so hard to not roll his eyes, he almost passed out. “Just calm down, OK?”
Then, after a rather restless night, I woke up to find a message on my iPhone. My Mac was all fixed and ready to be reunited with me! After just 12ish horrible hours! Hooray! I bombed into the Apple store the minute it opened and told my friend Peanut that I was there to pick up my laptop. “OK,” he began, then started talking about all the things they’d done to fix it and why it happened.
I tried to listen and politely said thank you to Mr. Peanut, but all I needed to know was that my baby was coming home with me. So I said good-bye, then very happily walked out of the Apple store with my sweet little laptop in my hand and a spring in my step.
And, of course, a loud, thumping “Burn, baby burn” in my head.
I’m so relieved it was only 12 hours you had to wait. Can you imagine the level of insanity you would have achieved if you’d had to sing that song in your head for any longer?
For a minute there, I thought I was going to have to hop on a plane to TX to hold your hand. Phew! Guess we both dodged a bullet on that one.
(When my Dell died, it was gone for weeks. WEEKS! I had to actually walk up and down stairs to work on my clunky desktop computer. Gawd, it was awful.)
I’ve only had my wonderful, perfect Mac for about two months, and they would have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands if they wanted to keep it over night. I LOOOOVVVVEEE my Mac. And I love the geniuses-I’m taking them up on their free classes, etc. for $99/year. They will get tired of seeing me I’m sure.
Glad you have yours back.
This is fantastic. What I really love about technology is that Everybody’s goin’ strong (uhu hu hu) And that is when my spark got hot
I heard somebody say… Burn baby burn!
love this post. I live in fear of my laptop crashing. I would be lost without it. 12 whole hours! Shudder.
I like to sing “Girlfriend in a Coma” when things go south with my computer. I know, I know it’s really seeerious, I croon to the Peanut people. But then, I like to move to acceptance as fast as possible. Perhaps Disco Inferno would relieve me of some of my angst? Will try next time.
I felt your pain deeply through this whole post. I am so happy you are back together. If you are ever without your Mac again I can send you either my Merlin or my See N Say.
Also, what is it with the youth of today and the interesting facial hair?
i’m surprised they didn’t tell you to give it an almighty shove off of something tall onto something hard. that’s always the advice i get for my iPod.
genius?
I love a happy ending.
Peanut should never sing Burn Baby Burn: he might get overcooked, and nobody likes a burned peanut.
I’ve had to use the kids’ computer when my laptop went on a date with the repair shop guy. It’s painful and slow and completely unrewarding. I’ve even said out loud, “I would sooner go without the internet than use this piece of crap. Who stuck gum on the desk?! JEBUS is this earwax?” It’s a dark and lonely experience being without your ebaby.
I’m so glad you got your happy ending.
Bless you Peanut!!
Oh, you kill me.
Wendi Aarons!! This boombox on my shoulder blasting “disco inferno” is for you!
Also: how did you know Burn Baby Burn is my favorite song of all time.
Just you taking me there was enough to make me hip thrust over this post.
In a very clean way.
I can never leave here without telling you my favorite parts that make me pee my pants:
“Unfortunately, my laptop then had to undergo some sort of ”diagnostic testing” in the back room where they keep the Geniuses who aren’t yet ready for public interaction.”
Bwaahahhahhahha!
My Acer died and I had to send it to Temple Texas. That’s not too bad I thought. Yeah! Right! It took them 2 weeks to replace the Mother-in-law board. It came back to me and still wasn’t working. It went back there again. All in all it took 3 months before the they got it back to me. I lived in Temple for a shorter time than the laptop spent there! Glad to hear your Apple didn’t have to got to Temple!
I love how you told this story – great visuals. And I love even more that I was/am a Gamma Phi Beta too! Hi sister!
Burn, baby, burn …
Dammit!
There are some areas in which I consider it my duty to keep the economy going: Cars (although I did change a headlight recently), Computers, major Plumbing, heavy-duty Cooking, and occasional child-care. If we were all geniuses in everything, think of all the people added to the ranks of under-employed! (I saw under and not un because even a genius at everything can be lazy.)
I would be afraid to sing “burn baby burn” near my computer lest it think that I was giving it a suggestion. I’ve been without an iphone for a few months and if I had to do without my mac b/c it spontaneously began to wiggle its hips, I’d probably die. You hear disco. I hear the teacher from the “Peanuts” cartoons, when Husband or anyone else technically minded starts talking about motherboards and IP addresses and whahwhanwhantwhanwhanwhawha….
I am glad you’ve been reunited with your apple. perhaps you could hum it a few bars of “reunited…”
Peanut was probably singing “Rock Star” by Nickelback in his head, with special emphasis on the the lines:
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me
while he was waiting on you.
I’d have some kind of witty comment to make about this post but the whole time I was trying to win I had ‘Stuck in the middle with you’ playing in my head.
With me it is always ‘Mamma Mia’ when it gets to technical.
I am jealous. I hear “It’s a small world”…
Then I have technology and Disney rent free in my head.
Well you know me, I got as far as the video and had to take a time out to watch the whole thing start to finish. Do you think we could do a choreographed performance of this at BlogHer 12? I think we could. I’ll pack the matching bellbottom leisure suits.
You were a Gamma Phi? That was my sister’s sorority, and her experience was the one that scared me off sorority life when I went to college.
Cheers to Peanut the Apple genius!
Funny thing…i had the video playing in the background while I read the post. At the exact moment, I read “satisfaction came in a chain reaction” the cool dudes in the awesome pants sang them to me.
I took it as a sign. To dance. The poor UPS guy delivering my drugs!
You won my heart when you said you were researching microeconomics and water supplies in developing nations. The Dismal Science ROCKS… call me if you want to discuss the demand for labor in communities overcoming military base closures or the intrinsic value of a state park in your community. What is your e-mail address so I can send you my thesis, complimentary of course. Love, Love, Love this stuff
I hope you gave it an extra kiss goodnight for the night you missed!!
“Use my old…PC?! Like an animal?”
Hahahaha! That’s exactly what I’m doing right now and it is HELL. My powercord went kaput and was blowing all the fuses in our house and even killed the internet when I moved it to various plugs. It’s been an eternity waiting for a new one. Of course my PC husband is smug, loving the fact that Apple made something faulty.
That same thing happens to me whenever anyone tries to explain my computer. Except I hear “Senor Don Gato”.
Wendi,
I TOTALLY know what you mean. When I go to teh Genius bar I try to act like I understand, but really I am clueless. Anyhoo, Susan and I think you are awesome, and we wanted to share some bloggy love with you, so we blogged about your site this week:
http://homschlr4ever-loveandlunchmoney.com/2011/09/22/some-blogs-we-love-shout-out-to-you/
So funny!
I have the same reaction to my husband when he goes all “tech-speak” on me. Except to me he sounds like the grown ups in Charlie Brown.
Still dying with giggles over that sticky Fisher Price phone.
Also, now I have Mac Book envy.
So… asking you for computer-buying advice would be…. interesting?
I’m laughing now. But tomorrow when this song is still stuck in my head? Okay, I will probably still be laughing. But the day after that? I’m going to be practicing the dance steps. Nancy Davis Kho and I are going to get absolutely nothing done this week.
SK
We had a 12-hour widespread power outage here in San Diego a couple of weeks ago, and it was hysterical seeing all of the people walking around like zombies trying to use their dead iPhones, MacBooks, and cell phones. All of the cell towers lost power and nobody had cell service. And of course, nobody has a phone that actually plugs into the wall anymore that doesn’t need to be plugged into an electrical outlet.
I have to admit, I kept checking to see if I could get a signal. Just one bar, please? . . .
Hilarious. My little Peanut at the Genius Bar wasn’t quite so genius the last time I went in. No one could figure out the problem. It had to do with a ridiculously expensive Adobe program I added to my computer. In the end, I had to pay some other guy to come to my house to fix it. None of them were ready for prime time or public social interaction.
Glad you got your baby back.
You’re such a good mom. I’m that careless mom who’s always spilling hot beverages on my baby and getting croissants jammed under the keys.
But if someone took it from me, I’d be mad.
Like Kool and the Gang.