The other day I saw a story on the local news that said something like, “Can’t afford to take a vacation this year? Then do the next best thing – download an app!” The newsreader went on to tell us that there are now apps for your phone that show you 360º views of beautiful vacation spots from all around the world. “It’s the perfect way to travel in this recession!” the anchor chirped.
“Well, sure,” I thought. “If you’re a freaking moron.”
But the more I considered this idea, the more I started to think that maybe looking at scenic panoramas on your cell isn’t such a bad alternative to traveling after all. You don’t have to leave your air-conditioned house, your cash output’s low, and you won’t miss even a single episode of Extreme Coupon Hoarders On A Jersey Shore Fishing Boat. What’s not to like?
With that in mind, yesterday I decided to take a “trip” to Maui. (Any place whose natural resources are pineapple, pork and piña coladas is just fine by me.) So I sat down at my desk, downloaded the travel app and waited for my relaxing vacation to kick in. Ten minutes later, I was still waiting. Believe it or not, staring at pictures of a sandy beach on a 3.5-inch screen covered in greasy fingerprints doesn’t exactly put you in an island state of mind. It puts you in more of a “I think it might be time to invest in bifocals and hand sanitizer” state of mind.
But I wasn’t ready to give up on the virtual travel idea just yet, so I opted to try again, albeit with some minor adjustments. Just a few things that would make my experience seem more realistic. More like I was actually going to Hawaii.
So this time, I started my trip by waiting in line in our fluorescent lit garage for 20 minutes, then I asked my husband to check my ID and grope me like a surly TSA agent. (Unfortunately, he did his job a little too well and now he keeps asking me when he can do it again.) Then, once I cleared security, I squeezed myself into one of my kids’ tiny chairs and told the boys to kick the back of my seat for an hour while they screamed bloody murder and vomited honey roasted peanuts on my neck. I have to say, it was just like being on an airplane, only instead of fluffy clouds, the view from my window was of my freaky neighbor Gary mowing his lawn without a shirt. But who cared? I was going to Maui, baby!
Next, I had the kids hide my suitcase and pickpocket my wallet, then I checked into our cramped half-bathroom where I took a nap on the floor with a germy pillow while my family made jackhammer noises outside the door. Finally, after a cold waffle and a cup of bitter coffee that made my bicuspids hurt, I was ready.
I quickly put on my new swimsuit, slathered myself with sunscreen, and rolled around in our sandbox until I looked like a middle-aged piece of Chicken Cordon Bleu. Then I joyfully threw my beach towel on the ground, turned on some relaxing luau music and picked up my iPhone. I was all set to enjoy the warm island breezes and the sweet tropical flavors. “Aloha, Maui! Here I come!” I yelled.
And that’s when I found out the number one problem with taking a vacation on your iPhone: battery power. Because by the time I was finally ready to relax and enjoy the gorgeous views of Hawaii, my phone had died and all I saw was a static black screen. My summer vacation had suddenly become a trip to the bottom of a well. I was so upset, I couldn’t even enjoy the $15 umbrella drink I bought from my cat at the swim-up bar/bathtub.
So this summer, I think I’ll put away the technology away and take a real vacation. It’s obvious that I need one.
My essay that originally appeared in a slightly different form in AustinWomanMagazine. Image courtesy AWM.
This is hilarious! I’m jealous of even a virtual vacation to Maui. I guess I have a waterpark in my backyard then according to this post. It consists of a kiddie pool and slide attached. Guess I should go hang out there this afternoon.
Staycations really ought to be a little less stressful…
Very excellent. I’d say try using google earth. At least you can spin your view aroound enough times that you’ll think you’re having fun!
I can understand why you’d want to take a virtual vacation. After all, seriously? Who’d ever want to get away from Austin?
It’s a shame the phone battery died. I was looking forward to many self-taken camwhoring photos that people do while on vacation.
middle-aged chicken cordon bleu. you realize i can now never eat chicken again, right? thanks for that.
Oh boy. Really looking forward to that 4 hour flight to San Diego now. In the center seat. I hope I get the trifecta of baby vomit, chatty neighbor on one side, and the great unwashed on the other.
If I bought a cat, would he bring me alcoholic drinks?
Honey roasted peanuts?Did y’all fly first class?
Extreme Coupon Hoarders On A Jersey Shore Fishing Boat. I die.
Wow, I can’t believe you got on that flight so fast! My kid kept me waiting saying there were “mechanical issues.”
Brilliant! and p.s. I currently DVR Extreme Coupon Hoarders On A Jersey Shore Fishing Boat.
So funny!! So true!! The concept is ridiculous…..
This is awesome. Your travel experience speaks to so many moms who “just want to get away from it all” but forget that’s virtually impossible, in even in virtual reality. I guess Calgon will have to work.
“Well, sure,” I thought. “If you’re a freaking moron.” – ha.
I’m off to fill the baby pool with ice and download the south pole.
My new aerobic workout- reading this column at work; 15 minutes of shaking with laughter and not making a sound.
Wendi, you are truely making this summer bearable! What is the obsession with the apps? I don’t get it! What we don’t waste enough of our time watching Extreme Coupon Hoarders On A Jersey Shore Fishing Boat?
You hilariously describe the experience of flying. p.s. I can’t get the picture out of my head of your TSA agent following you around and asking to search you again
Maui no ka oi!!!!!
Dude, you just came back from Sweden. Or was that your evil twin sister? Hmm?
A middle-aged piece of Chicken Cordon Bleu. Adore.
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Surely there must be a water park nearby where you could take the kids and unwind. The one near Marinka sounded so relaxing and fun.
Whoever came up with the staycation idea is probably the same one who thought of this app. Nothing like trying to make us feel better for having no disposable income.
Girl, you always make me laugh. Love your columns.
Hilarious. And I’m thrilled you have a mobile theme now. Did you do that just for me, knowing I’m reading on my phone 99% of the time? You’re so nice.
i’ve already given up on real vacations but this may make me rethink my policy on pretend vacations too.
I just laughed my ass off reading about how you tried to recreate the holiday feel. So funny.
Oh man, I have actually had vacations like that!
The funniest thing I’ve read all week. And sure, that sounds like a cop out because it’s Monday, but I have a sense it’ll hold up for the other weekdays as well.
“Middle age piece of Chicken Cordon Bleu.” It’s all brilliant but that turn of phrase wins for today. That and the image of your cat in a little bartender vest, putting a paper umbrella in your drink.