Because it’s summer, 1,200 degrees and I have no choice but to take my kids to the pool every day, I need a new swimsuit. I was just looking at a swimwear retailer’s online store (I don’t want to say which one, so let’s just call it “Everything But Water and a Healthy Body Image”) and was amused to see that all of their suits have names. For example, they have a stylish little bikini in a faux python print. The name? “On the Prowl.”
Question: What three words have never f—ing described me while at the neighborhood pool? See above.
Other suit names include “Surprise Party,” “Bed of Roses” and “Easily Amused,” but the one that probably best describes me when I’m in the water is a kicky Michael Kors number called “Hammered Hardware.” Mostly for the “hammered” part, of course. I’d never carry my tools into the pool because they’d rust.
Now, if I were naming swimsuits that appeal to women like me, I think I’d go with some fun, sporty names like:
“I Had Two Kids So Shut Your Dumb Face”
“Skirting the Issues”
“Rhapsody in Tummy Control”
“My Thighs Only Look Like They’re Melting”
“Pissed Off When Wet”
and
“The Chris Farley”
Obviously, I’m sort of an untapped marketing genius.
Another issue I have with swimsuit stores is that they sell two piece swimsuits where the top is a bikini and the bottom is a skirt. I’ve never, ever seen anyone wear that strange combo, have you? Because usually if your bottom is in a skirt, your top’s in the Witness Protection program, too, so what gives? Do any of you swing this way? Or is it just female centaurs who opt for this look?
But I guess I should just be happy that I have an actual swimsuit to wear because the other day, I noticed the list of what’s not allowed in the pool (5th line):
Yeah, that’s right. No YACHT PANTS allowed. Like Thurston Howell the Third is just dying to throw back a dry martini, adjust his ascot, then jump fully clothed into our pool so he can discuss NASCAR with my weird neighbor Gary while loose swim diapers float past his face like crap-covered lily pads. Honestly, HOA. Pull your heads out. It’s a Texas subdivision, not West Egg, you numbnuts.
I told my friend Nancy that I also noticed “makeshift bathing suits” aren’t allowed and she replied, “That reminds me, I have to put bread bags, twist ties, and a tube sock in the beach bag.” Seriously, do they really think one of the suburban wankers is suddenly going to get a wild hair and go all Project Runway or something? It’s hot, it’s sticky and the kids are on vacation, so about the last thing I want to do is create my new swimsuit out of used margarine dishes and glitter. But then again, if I did, I guess I’d get to give it a name, right? In fact, maybe even a really cool name like, “Hot Buttered Babybutt” or “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Lipo-ed” or “Spread Me.” Huh.
Anyone seen the tape?
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Looking for a suit? Check out my Swimsuit Buying Guide.
Too funny…I love, love, love this!
I’m such a disenfranchised member of society that I had no idea yachting required special pants. The rich really do have it all.
I just went bathingsuit shopping. I specifically told the woman I did not want to look like a sausage. She told me rouching? Was the new thing.
No it’s not.
It’s so not.
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That warning says nothing about Master Cylinder pants. So they’re okay, right? Ladies?
Another person who literally laughed out loud…not only at the blog entries, but the comments that followed. I’d so swim in a burka these days – nobody wants to see this body in a bikini!
Love and identify with the comments! I’d like to be helpful. Look for something called the “Miracle Suit”. It truly is! I’ve been telling everyone how much I love mine, although now I realize how demeaning it is to admit that I need a miracle to appear in public swimming areas so as not to horrify small children or eligible males!
Now this gave me the best laugh today – thank you!
Oh and now I am looking for this “Miracle Suit”
I prefer the tank over the suit and never let the sun see the tummy – good lord its so white it might blond someone!
Hilarious! I like the make shift idea. I think they may be a bit more worried about some woman going the way of Daisy Duke with the wet t-shirt and short shorts. Although, given the fact that what passes as swimwear these days could be made with some baling twine and a couple of grommets, the Daisy Duke look might be okay.
I freakin love your blog. I freakin HATE swimsuit season. This was spot on. I loved all the comments too. You have quite the following… of awesome swimsuit season haters.
Ha ha! Hilarious! I am still laughing.
As always you are my inspiration. I am currently wearing a combo “I Had Two Kids So Shut Your Dumb Face” and “Rhapsody in Tummy Control”. It’s a little number called “Yeah, I’m still wearing my maternity suit even though my 4th and final child is almost two – wanna fight?” ‘Cuz my fat a$$ could totally take someone down.
Haha, so great.
I’ve been hoping you’d work a female centaur into a piece soon.
I love your swimsuit names and agree your genius could take that company far. Yacht pants! ha.
You are frigging funny. And I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve worn the skirt & bikini top. Because sometimes that halter-blouse thing sticks to my stomach and looks WORSE than just my stomach showing. Swimming is a cruel fact of life, like ingrown hairs and Olive Garden.
I’m diggin’ the skirt idea. I think one of those babies would be a great way to accentuate my tattoos (aka varicose veins).
[…] Wendi, WendiAarons.com- Wendi was one of my directors for the Austin Listen To Your Mother show last year. She’s also a generally hilarious woman in the very smart kind of way. She writes for US Weekly’s Fashion Police. She is judging your fashion, celebrities. I hope you’re not making your own swimsuits. […]
Euhh