“Good afternoon, Wainwright Library.”
“Hi. It’s me.”
“Oh, no, not you again. I thought we asked you to stop calling here.”
“You did, but I can’t help myself. So, um, tell me—what’s the weather like right now?”
“Let’s not get into that.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“OK, how about if I tell you what the weather’s like here in Austin, Texas first? IT’S 100 F&#@ING DEGREES WITH NO END IN SIGHT AND I’M LOSING MY WILL TO LIVE. Now you go.”
“I really don’t understand why you keep calling Alaska to ask us about the weather, but fine—it’s cold today.”
“How cold?”
“High of 30, low of 28.”
“Ohhhhhh, yesssssss. Yes yes yes yes YES! That sounds so goooood. It’s making me shiver all over! Now what’s the Real Feel? What’d my man Roker tell you?”
“The Real Feel is eleven degrees.”
(Heavy panting) “Eleven….degrees? And are people wearing…outerwear?”
“Parkas and hats. Some gloves.”
“Mmmmmmmmmmm…that’s nice. So very, very nice. Describe the gloves to me, baby. Are they—leather?”
“What?”
“Is there a wooden dock nearby? Go walk barefoot on it and tell me when you lose all feeling in your toes, OK? Do it for me, stud. Make mama feel all frozen inside, like a little…cherry…Popsicle. OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD! I’M BREAKING OUT IN GOOSEBUMPS! AHHHHHHHH! SAY MY NAME! SAAAAYYYY IT!”
“That’s it. I’m hanging up.”
“No, wait! Wait! I got carried away! I’m so sorry, it’s just that summer is so horrific here and I can’t ever seem to cool myself down.”
“I might have a few ideas of where you can stick your head.”
“Honestly, sir, I know I sound like a cold weather pervert or something and I sincerely apologize. I’m just a little overheated. I promise it won’t happen again.”
“Please see that it doesn’t. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go meet my wife for lunch.”
“So you’re going outside? Into the eleven degrees? Will you be wearing your sn-sn-snow boots?”
“Um, yes.”
“Awwww, yeah. Sweet, sweet, sassy molassey snow boots. Describe them to me, baby. Are they (loud breathing) insulated? Are they (louder breathing) waterproof? OH GOD, OH GOD, I THINK I’M GETTING FROSTBITE ON MY—”
(Click.)
“Hello? Is this the Antarctica research station? What’s the weather like right now?”
_____
WENDY!!! You didn’t list the phone number!
Weather p*rn? Oh my.
At least not the correct one. I tried that 1-900 number in the header and it did NOT get me Alaska.
I fear for your children.
Ahhhh….. I dream of winter. It can be miserable but it gets better as you move around. In summer, you are miserable and then it gets worse.
I have a friend in Alaska now. Shall I pick you up?
It’s in the fifties here in MN. I am wearing a hoody, jeans and wool socks, and my feet are STILL cold. I could use a good shfitz.
What’s your phone number, Sarah?
Sarah is just evil. Come on down to Florida, you’ll stay for a day and ½ before you rush back home.
Hey Sarah….is your hoodie black? With a pocket on the front….oh God, YES!
This was so twisted, but funny. Makes me want to get a frozen pina colada, and suck on it until…I get brain freeze! Brrrrr…
It hit the 90s today and then the thunderstorms came rolling in. Down to 69 already. By tomorrow things will get back to normal with daytime temps in the high 60s & overnight lows sliding down to 50.
You’re welcome here since we’re heading to AZ & NM for a week of dehydration and hooved critters licking our leg.
I live in Flagstaff, Arizona. It is about 73 degrees here right now. The hottest it gets is 95, and that only lasts a couple of weeks. How’s that for weather porn?
That’s too funny!
I could use some warm weather porn!
I live in a tropical country so this weather p*rn? Hit home.
Thanks Wendi for the laugh!
I don’t understand why you’re allowed to have a phone.
I would have thought a librarian in the middle of nowhere in AK could handle it. Where are all the real men gone?! Down South? Answering phone calls from frigid Alaskan women?
Has it come to this, Wendi?
Talking about the weather?
I kid, I kid.
I can’t imagine living in Texas, feeling and looking like I need Hormone Replacement Therapy all the time: red faced and frizzy temple hair (and not Beth Israel, either)
Librarians are much more uptight than scientists. You made the right (second) call.
Lovely. I can’t even send my kids out back to do water and shaving cream trampoline anymore because of the rotting racoon carcass and the swarm of buzzards (imagine the smell) so they are ALL inside with me. Thinking of doing a David Sedaris’ mother. That was a snow story too. Why do we like Texas again?
Are you kidding? It’s walking around with your tits & arse hanging out season! Goodbye socks, hello BO!
Hysterical. They really should have caller ID. I decreed that around here you can either b*tch about the snow/wind chill factor/”you lose 2700% of your body heat through your head”/the friggin’ snowbower’s clogged again OR you can b*tch about the heat. (Well, actually: about the humidity) This year we chose snow so we’re faking smiles and changing shirts a lot right now.
I’m really afraid to tell you that it’s 55 in Madison right now. And I’m wearing jeans, and a sweater.
I’d like to comment, but I have Seasonal Affect Disorder because the sun no longer shines in the Bay Area. I’d like to sue for false advertising, but instead I’m going to go sit in front of a Vitamin D lamp until I feel less like Edgar Allan Poe.
I could tweet you a photo of our cool, gray 56 degree sky in Portland, OR but I am afraid it could turn into “weathergate” and I don’t think either of us needs that right now.
you weirdo, you get turned on by cold? Hot weather is just so much… hotter.
From the end of May until the beginning of October I feel filled with rage every time I walk out the door and begin to drip with perspiration.
I never thought about fantasizing about icy locations, but I might try that now. This heat isn’t natural.
Ah, yes summertime in Austin. When you don’t leave your air conditioned home unless you absolutely have to. Because it is like walking into an oven set on broil. I don’t miss the endless days of 100+ degrees temperatures and those promising clouds that could be rain only for them to “burn off”. So, I totally understand your need for weather p*rn.
At least you can have fun outdoors in Austin! Here in San Diego you can’t plan any typical “summer” activities until August because it’s cold, gloomy and drizzly from May until the end of July. Trust me, 4th of July fireworks just aren’t any fun when you’re wet and they just go up into the gloom and disappear.
Is it hot in Texas?
54 & cloudy. A nice break from the 95+ we had for a few days.
You can talk dirty weather to me anytime. I’m a whore for the weather.
I’m sure they are now adding your name to the national registry of PHONE PORN offenders. Your photo (yes, the one thing you HATE to share) will be blasted to all snow-covered states and pinned to post office bulletin boards where old people will gawk at your face and wonder why indeed you are still allowed to have a phone. I’m pretty sure this might not be your ideal photographic introduction to the northern-half of the country… but then again, I could be wrong.
I hear you. I just texted my husband (who is enjoying South Carolina right now) that I hate Austin and want to move anywhere but here.
OH MY GOSH IT IS HOT!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t leave the house without my baby breaking out in a heat rash and it makes me cranky.
Tell me it isn’t always like this. Sometimes it gets cooler, right? Lie to me if you must, just tell me it isn’t always like this.
Those KY warming scientists have it all wrong.
Weiner has nothing on you.
Hilarious!
So it was like 100 degrees a few weeks ago when me and the fam went to a greenhouse to pick out some plants. My 5 year old was literally crying and wailing she wanted winter back. And earlier this week, she told me she would like to live where it’s always cold, like the north pole.
This is fabulous. I hate the heat. That is why I live in Minnesota. Call me anytime you need some Winter porn. I am all about that.
“sweet, sassy molassey!”
My three favorite words in this whole post!
As a former Texan now living in Michigan: I KNOW WHERE YOU’RE COMING FROM! Can you even imagine how awesome it is to be able to tell your kids to go outside and play during summer break….and they can actually DO IT?
Oops. Did that turn you on?
(I loved your Chase spam on twitter tonight 🙂 )
At least in Austin it doesn’t smell like bum pee. And you have driveways and central AC and real Margaritas! Oh….AC and margaritas…. what’s your phone number?
You really don’t need to go to Alaska for your thrills, Wendi. The Bay Area is plenty chilly these days. Did you know fog is a perpetual 59 degrees?
And honestly, I thought I was the only one who said “sassy molassey.” When you start saying “sweet vidalia onions” I’m going to be scared.
You know those smiley face ice packs that you put on your kids’ ouchies? Tuck them in your bra–they work wonders!
Fridge freezer porn is my gig. None of the talking back. Although it has been giving me the cold shoulder lately. 🙂
And she writes sketch comedy too. Do you think Amy and Will are too busy to record and plop this on the YouTube for you? xoxo
Karen in SD – sorry can’t plan outdoor activities, because it’s too d@%$ hot! Seriously.
Kim, it gets cooler, but honestly it’s not normally quite this hot til end of July and August. I’m sorry that your first taste of Texas is going to be one hot MoFo.
The grass is brown, the weeds are wilting, everything is dry and so dadgum HOT.
You can call Maine. it’s like the Alaska of the states that count.
Oh yeah, I just said that.
Sweet sassy molassey, I love it.
You had me at “library.” Yes, I’m a nerd.
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