I absolutely hate having my picture taken. Hate it. If you ever want to get rid of me, just pull out your Nikon and yell, “Smile, everyone!” and I’ll run out of the room faster than Arnold Schwarzenegger after he gets his DNA results handed to him by Maury Povich. Yep, that fast. Hasta la vista, suckers.
(Please note: Wendi has now officially fulfilled all contractual obligations in regards to Schwarzenegger jokes. She will not be making any more.)
(Please note: That is, unless he also impregnated the woman who cleans his compound’s septic tank. Because that shit would just write itself.)
Now where was I?
Ah, yes! My deep seated hatred of my own image.
At my parents house, there are stacks and stacks of pictures of me not smiling. Most of my friends have group photos where I’m standing in the back, looking like a serial killer with a home perm. And the only reason my wedding photos aren’t half bad is because I have a veil partially obscuring my face. Otherwise I probably would have just hid behind the cake until the photographer finally gave up and started taking pictures of my drunk sorority sisters. I don’t know why, but I’m just not photogenic.
Ironically, my camera phobia was at its peak when I was a film major in college. Nine times out of ten, the acting students we hired for our movies didn’t show up because they’d been arrested for pot possession, so then I’d have to fill in. I didn’t mind it so much, but my classmates got a little sick of the rainbow wig, muumuu and sunglasses costume I insisted on wearing, especially when I played Eleanor Roosevelt. I think we got a C- on that one.
After college, when I’d go interview at TV stations for associate producer jobs, I was often asked if I was interested in being in front of the camera instead of behind it. “You’re blonde!” one news director told me. “Why not give it a try?”
“Because if that’s your only criteria, sir, I don’t think this organization is up to my journalistic standards. Good day!” I replied. (But it may have come out a little more like, “Wha? Me? On camera? Hahahaha! No f*cking way, Les Nessman. Hey, why are you ripping up my resume? Jeezus H., do you at least validate?”)
Anyway, what all of this means is that I’d clearly rather lick flop sweat off Newt Gingrich’s stomach rolls than put myself on camera, but today—I have an announcement. And that announcement is that I felt so inspired by the amazing Listen To Your Mother Austin show that I actually sucked it up and now I’m on the YouTube like a badass. Oh, yes, I am, brotha. I just hope I get half as many views as the “Laughing Baby On a Skateboard Who Gets Hit in the Nuts with Rebecca Black” video. (Fingers crossed!)
But my many neuroses aside, I’m incredibly proud of the show we put on and I strongly suggest you all click over and take a look at each and every one of the wonderful readers in our cast. Their stories are all beautifully written and delivered and I just love them to pieces. I hope you’ll try to spend at least a little time watching; you’ll be so glad you did.
Thank you to my friends Jennifer Sutton and Ann Imig for allowing me to work on LTYM with them, and also for finally giving me something that I believed in so strongly, I actually let them post video of me.
No black wig, muumuu or sunglasses required.
(And please be aware that while I may sometimes write like I speak with Wanda Sykes’ voice, my real voice is actually more like that of a 9-year-old girl with a kitten fascination. You’ve been warned.)
Great, now I’m all hot and bothered. Just the mere mention of LES NESSMAN.
Dear Kitten, YOU were awesome. You looked fabulous too. And to top it off, you and Jennifer wrangled all of us into one room and made performers out of us all. It was fun, and I was honored to be included.
Kimber
Oh, Kitty. How very lovely you are and your romantic ovulation-overtures to your husband–hilarious. I’m so glad I got to see you in action!
Thank you ladies for keeping your word and posting the video of this great show. Wish we could have been there to clap for you live. Rest assured you got a standing ovation and a big bravo in my dinning room last night. The best bit is I can go back and watch it again and again.
I am so excited!!! Can’t wait to watch all you talented ladies do your thing. And Wendi – I think you look super gorgeous in photos and in person.
All of these beautiful women with beautiful words. Loved watching this so much. Great job, Kitten.
xo
Great job! I loved watching it! You don’t sound like a little girl, but I was surprised by your voice. I always thought that since you live in Texas you must sound exactly like Foghorn Leghorn. I say, I say FOGHORN LEGHORN! But you don’t. I still think you’re funny.
Could not see the picture….just a red X.
Just when I thought I could not get any more jealous of how funny you are…
Thanks for sharing the wit and wisdom of all the LTYM Austin participants via YouTube.
LTYM will really be one of the highlights of 2011. That and Newt dropping out of the race. I look forward to more of Wendi posts this summer and all my new writer friends – it’s going to be one long summer!
Psyched to watch the video but I’m so OCD I could hardly get past the “deep seated” thing. It’s “seated”? I’ve always said “deep seeded” (like it’s a seed in a garden expression) not “deep seated” (like in a chair).
Wow. I HATE that I’ve said that incorrectly for so long. Might have just ruined my day.
p.s. Are you watching the Bachelorette?
Beautifully done, Wendi.
OK, I’m over it. Just watched. You made me cry! Very well done.
Now tell me who else to watch that I’ll love like I love you.
That was awesome! Well done! No, you don’t sound like a nine year old. But I would of loved to see the black wig and muumuu. Maybe next year?
It was definitely a good show and worth everyone clicking through to watch everyone read, including you Wendi.
If the show could have somehow incorporated a kitten doing something silly, I know the number of viewers would probably be off the charts. Next year.
I don’t mind the camera. I love having my picture taken. What I hate is hearing my voice on tape. Ugh.
I watched it and you were fantastic! And I don’t know why you’re camera phobic – you clean up rather nicely 🙂 And your piece was really, really good.
I loved seeing the fabulous show in person and am thrilled you put it online. Congrats again!
Funny, awesome, brilliant…love it all!
i thought you were going to say your baby is taking after you and hiding from the ultrasound but then i remebered flying chalupa is the one knocked up, not you. Or is she? Or are YOU?
great job on the show by the way!
First, the complement: Great video – so funny & so true. Been there, know all about the stupid monitor. I’m looking forward to watching the other participants.
Next, the criticism: Please warn us the next time you write about licking Newt Gingrich’s belly fat. I almost threw up my Special K. I’m still feeling a bit queasy now.
Wendi, you and Jennifer are extraordinary and beautiful and through LTYM you helped all of us do something extraordinarily beautiful through your beautiful extraordinariness.
But yeah, what Samina said. My brain needs serious scrubbing after the Gingrich image; blech.
It was wonderful. You may change your tune about motherhood when you have tatooed teenagers!!
Well, your voice is better than mine…I sound like a 9 year old with a stuffy nose all the time!
You rock. All of you LTYM women, but mostly you [just because].
Also, loving the Les Nessman. LOVE.
That was wonderful! Thank you.
If it hadn’t been for this post about how much you hate to have your picture taken, I might have missed the split-second look you give the camera right at the beginning. It may have killed the person behind the camera.
Flop sweat? Wow, thanks for planting that image.
Also…Whatever! You looked and sounded fantastic at LTYM!
Oh my gosh, I loved the video. And as a total ham (who would kill for your slim arms!), I can’t fathom why you don’t absolutely love being filmed. You’re a babe!
But also, I really loved what you read. I’m assuming that the “until I did” want to be a mother part is waiting for me. I mean, I just don’t *feel* it at this point, and I love hearing from people who I like and respect that it’s normal. And I love that it all worked out so beautifully for you. I really do.
Oh, words that make me just almost move to texas and take that heat, baby.
“My deep seated hatred of my own image.”
LOVE this.
Why? Because I”m sorta twisted sick with what cracks me up.
This cracks me up. Unattractively so.
This is a test comment…. Wendi should receive a notification that I’ve posted it.
Your LTYM piece? So perfectly wonderful. Just like you are. Best blogger of the year in my book. xo
Been there, done that. That’s right. I’ve already stalked you and all the other readers. And you look pretty darn good, you self-hater, you.
But really, Newt Gingrich’s flop sweat? Really? I’m about to wretch.
I’ve been dying to see Austin’s reel. It is so enviable and impressive that you had the chops to pull this off. Truly.
Please, no one sees this pasty skin unless it’s totally necessary.
I disagree–I think you’d be very photogenic! After all, your boys are, and surely they take after you at least a little bit.
The show was fabulous, and definitely worth the trek up!
I loved it, you looked great, and I totally relate with getting pictures taken. I am always behind the camera, rarely in front of it. The only pictures I have ever posted are the 4 good ones I’ve taken in my life (and I was the one never smiling in pictures, either).
That said, I don’t think I lick ANYTHING off of Newt Gingrich. There’s an image I did not need in my head… so I guess you hate it a little more than I do 🙂
Beautiful, Wendi!!!!
Also, Newt called, he’d like to take you up on your offer.
Wonderful! I’m all choked up now. You look beautiful. Time to get over the camera shy thing!
I have to say that I thought you did have a voice like Wanda Sykes – but I liked you even more after seeing this video. It was funny and so touching.
licking newt’s flop sweat? am still reeling from that one…that’s even worse than contemplating lying down in the swampy soup in the subway tracks. Brilliant and truly, truly disgusting. An image for the ages.
I finally just watched this. You were fantastic! Congrats!
You are SO cute – and so very brave! Kudos!
Last week we were given a copy of the electronic press kit for a film I co-wrote, in which I was interviewed for the first time eva. For close to a full irrational hour, I refused to watch myself, until I was in tears. When my ever-so-patient husband finally convinced me, it actually wasn’t so bad. I’m so lame… Blame it on PMS.