After days and days of hot and humid mid-90’s temperatures, we were suddenly blasted with a cold front this week. Like, a 40 degrees-ish cold front that sent me into the closet, scrambling to find the boys’ long pants and long sleeve shirts that I’d already packed away for next year. Oh, Austin weather patterns. You so crazy.
Anyway, because I’m a Room Temperature Woman—I complain if it’s either above or below 73 degrees—I was feeling really uncomfortable and decided to light a fire in the fireplace. Cozy, right? At least it was until my husband zoomed into the living room and yelled, “Oh, my God! What about the birds?!”And that’s when I remembered the birds that live on the top of our chimney. The birds that were probably feeling a little hot under the feathers right about then. The birds that were desperately chirping, “Stop, Drop and Roll, Muthafokkas!”
Oops.
Now, in my defense, we only think the birds live on top of our chimney. I mean, I haven’t actually scaled the roof to get confirmation. But for months now, we’ve heard their soft coo-coos coming out of our fireplace and into our living room. (Yes, “coo-coos” because the birds I may have possibly endangered are doves. AKA “the birds of peace.” AKA “Wendi’s going to hell and being driven there by a pissed off PETA representative.”)
I felt horrible as soon as I realized what I’d done and quickly tried to figure out what to do next. Should I douse the fire? Call a vet? Spray down our roof with a hose? Find a hidey-hole? My thoughts ran rampant until I took a deep breath and surmised that the birds probably flew away before any harm came to them. Because that’s what birds do, isn’t it? They fly. Fly, fly, fly away! Meaning, no harm, no foul for my thoughtless action. No, everything was still OK and I wasn’t suddenly going to be joining Sarah Palin on helicopter hunting trips.
So then, once I rationalized that the birds were perfectly safe and had probably already moved on to a better roosting spot, I sighed with relief, sat back down in front of the roaring fire and relaxed. That is, I did until two minutes later when Sam ran downstairs, sniffed the air and asked, “Hey, mommy—who’s cooking chicken?”
Be gentle with me, PETA.
(Note: I’m happy to report that the birds are still up on our chimney and I hear “Coo-Coo” reverberating through my house all day long.) (Which I think we all know is very, very appropriate.)
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Updates:
Thank you to everyone for your support of Listen to Your Mother Austin! The show was absolutely amazing. We had a full house, received a standing ovation and I didn’t even come close to fainting on stage. The cast was just spectacular. A video of the show will be online very soon, for those of you interested in seeing it.
And sadly, I didn’t actually get to try out for The Amazing Race. Not only did I not have a partner, but I would have had to wait in line for over two hours in 80 degree humidity with only a lousy Subway sandwich to eat. And something tells me that if I find those conditions inhumane, maybe I wasn’t the best candidate for the show. (But there’s always next year, so send me your partner applications ASAP!)
Hahahaha! You’re hilarious. “Who’s cooking chicken…..”
I cannot WAIT for the show to be online!
(And glad the coo-coo birds are okay. Probably they were happy to have a little heat because I’m sure they were cold, too, and probably they totally appreciated your efforts. Probably.)
“Stop, Drop and Roll, Muthafokkas!” Talk about angry birds…As for the Amazing race, surely there will be a five star version one day. Imagine having to navigate through celebrity travels without a personal assistant. Solo! Now that would be much harder then being dropped off in mongolian desert!
If there’s ever a roadblock on The Amazing Race where you have to cook a pigeon over an open fire, or get a flock of birds to move to a different tree or something (anything, really) about birds, you’ll be prepared. Think of it that way.
I’d gladly be your partner, but I’d insist that whenever we were riding in any kind of vehicle, we’d sing “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain” like those kids did on the completely otherwise lame Family Edition Season.
“Room Temperature Woman” Thank you for giving a name to my condition! I drive my husband crazy by constantly complaining that it gets too cold in the winter (we live in Florida) or it’s too hot already this spring (yup, still in Florida. You’d think I knew what to expect).
Now that I have a name for my condition, I feel completely vindicated! So, thank you, Dr. Aarons.
P.S. Supposedly Phil Keoghan is in Orlando tomorrow so I was planning on finding him and demanding that he put me on Amazing Race anyway. I’ll put in a good word for you
Wait, you have fireplaces in Texas? I thought you just used your backyard BBQ pits.
Mmm … chicken.
Congrats on LTYM Austin!
First, I commend you for roasting chimney birds. We had a few get into our house via the fireplace not too long ago and ever since I have some serious aggression toward anything that flies. They scared the crap our of me and literally crapped all over my house. Well done Wendi!
Also, the show was fantastic! I brought a friend that doesn’t read any blogs…she’s nuts, and she was crying and laughing and marveling at everyone’s amazing talent.
I was all set to introduce myself to you but then I felt like a stalker waiting to talk to you and any time I feel like a stalker I feel like it’s a good sign to walk away. So, next time. You did a fantastic job!
They’re not doves, they’re pigeons. Vermin. Ugh.
You know how I feel about birds [i.e., they are evil], so I call shotgun in the PETAmobile.
So excited that LTYM went well. Congratulations. You are awesome!
I need to do that:
sounds like there’s a raccoon dating service up on our chimney.
Also: if I was in the Amazing Race? I’d purposely be making myself not find the clues to read. So I could go home, you know.
My friend and I loved the LTYM show here in Austin. You and Jennifer were fabulous producers. Everyone was just spectacular, especially you. Thanks for a great time and I look forward to next year!
p.s. the fire incident sounds hilarious–from this side of the computer.
I would volunteer to be your partner but I find staying at a Holiday Inn not far off from camping. I’d be a mess. Glad you still have your birds, I think.
I had a friend who got a bird as a pet, once. I suggested that he name it “Onan” because it was constantly spilling its seed.
Too funny.
Oh my god, you have pigeons. YOU NEED TO LIGHT A FIRE (in your fireplace)AND KEEP IT GOING FOR AT LEAST A WEEK. That way maybe they will get the message and move on. I love nature and all that crap, but believe me, lady, you don’t want to encourage the woodland creatures when they try to move into your house. (I say this as I have a cockatiel sitting on my shoulder) I “rescued” a pigeon once and when it was able to fly it flew all over my house and slammed in to every wall and knocked down every picture. Oh, and two words: bird lice.
“Stop, Drop and Roll, Muthafokkas!”
Sides hurt, can’t breathe, must stop laughing…
Bird lice?? Eewwww!
Chimney roasted squab just might be the next foodie craze. You should get in touch with the Barefooted Contessa and see about marketing strategies.
As for the Amazing Race, I’m all in! You carry the booze and iPod, I’ll take care of the rest. What’s your stand on slipping laxatives into the other teams’ waterbottles?
It was probably a nest of poor disabled orphan baby doves that could not fly away… but you know… don’t feel bad about it :p
You can join me at the top of PETA’s most wanted list – I’ve been a fish killer in two marine massacres in my back yard that my husband has yet to get over.
Should I start calling you Mrs. Director? Or does Mrs. Producer carry more weight? Either way, you rocked on Saturday. Jennifer too. Oh – your writing/performance was pretty good too 🙂
KFC is pissed. They were about ready to introduce their new chimney roasters menu options, but you have apparently beat them to the punch. So ahead of your time.
I still think you’re swell. You know, even though you’re a birds-of-peace killer.
Dove soup. Yum.
You imperiled birds who know Fire Safety Awareness too?? Double PETA demerits.
My neighbor has so many animals it’s disgusting. Her cat is hobbling around with only one functional eyeball. So I asked her if she planned to get another cat once this one kicks it. She said, “Oh no, I could never get another cat.” I thought she was going to say on account of their litter box or the fact this one has lived for like 48 years. No, she said, ‘I can’t endanger the birds in my yard again. What cats do to the local bird population is just atrocious.” LORD.
You and this lady’s cat – working in tandem to screw the birds.
First the PTA now PETA.
Watch. Your. Back.
Yeah!!! They live!!!!
Congrats on a great LTYM!
Glad to hear it will be online.
You were good too, Wendi, you were good too!!
Have you ever seen “The Birds”? Don’t worry, you will…
I have a great recipe for Chimney Cooked Dove. They have this great smoky flavor.
Damn! You didn’t faint dead away. I was hopeful for more drama.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the birds. They’re called ‘mourning’ doves for a reason.
I haven’t been paying much attention to social network lately so have to ask a foolish question: Is the video online yet?
When I was little my dad would take me with him on his dove-hunting trips. He’d shoot, I’d retrieve. True story. I’m pretty sure that’s more barbaric than you trying to smoke out the doves in your chimney.
“Who’s cooking chicken?” – BWHAHAHAHA!
Glad the show went well. Looking forward to the video!!
I always thought the Dove was the bird of Love for which I chastised my husband for Dove hunting. He corrected me. The Dove is the bird of peace. The Swallow is the bird of love……