As if I didn’t have enough going on this week, they’re holding auditions for The Amazing Race next to my neighborhood on Friday and I really, really want to try out. I love The Amazing Race. Love it. In fact, I’ve always thought I’d look really cool trotting through an Egyptian airport, tossing off witty one-liners to the camera like, “Too bad there’s no Air Camel!” or “This headdress I’m wearing is totally Sheik chic!”
Well, you get the idea.
So for the past few days, I’ve been frantically trying to find someone who’ll form a team with me and go to auditions. But so far, no dice. It’s like none of the people in my life want to become a reality TV sensation and lose all integrity or something. Losers. Don’t they know that’s how Snooki started her empire?
Here’s a sampling of what my potential teammates said when I asked them to join me:
My husband: “No f-in way. You get lost on your way to the bathroom. Also, I don’t want to be part of the international incident you’ll probably ignite.”
My friend Maria: “Why don’t you try for one of those Real Housewives shows instead? You like white wine and yelling.”
My friend Megan: “You know, high definition TV isn’t very kind to someone your age.”
My nail lady: “Shut you talking, blonde girl. I needa buff you.”
In fact, pretty much the only bright spot I’ve had was at lunch yesterday when The Bloggess and Jennifer agreed to try out with me as a three person team. The Bloggess’ idea is that all of us should wear a custom made suit and say we’re Siamese triplets, but only one of us wants to be on the show, then we get in a huge argument and start “rasslin’.” Yeah. Big help, there, Jenny. Next time come up with something that’s at least original.
But despite not having a partner yet, I’ve eagerly started filling out the 10-page application to give me a jump on the competition. Here are just a few of my well thought out answers:
What is your current occupation? Please describe in 2 words.
What famous person reminds you of yourself?
Jessica Tandy or Dog the Bounty Hunter (tie)
What scares you the most about traveling?
In-flight movies starring Jennifer Aniston as a spunky career gal with baby fever.
What’s your opinion on foreigners?
I can’t stand Croatians.
Are there any locations in the world to which you absolutely will not travel?
Do you get sea, air or car sick? If yes, please state which.
No. But I do get bus, tram, jitney, puddle jumper, motorcycle, taxi and in-line skates sick. I also hurl whenever I’m in the vicinity of a blender.
Are you currently taking any medications?
Do I need to answer this if they’re only legal in Nicaragua?
Have you ever been on television before? If so, when and what shows?
1990. “Fraternity party riot footage, chubby girl with bong, 10pm news.”
Do you belong to any affiliations or organizations?
BMOC (Barry Manilow International Fan Club), Costco, Yogurt Planet’s “Big Eaters” Club
Do you have any phobias?
I am terrified of people following me around with cameras and boom mics. Also, antiques.
So, there you have it. I think you’ll all agree that I’m the ideal The Amazing Race contestant. And don’t worry about me finding a partner because I’m pretty sure I have the perfect teammate sitting right next to me. She’s 18 1/2, she can’t remember where her food bowl is and she smells like hot litter box, but I don’t think any of that matters. Because Miss Dickens is a total master at strategy and forming alliances.
Well, just as long as we don’t go to Croatia*.
*Please note: Wendi does not actually know where this is and has never met a Croatian. She is sure they’re lovely people and she is just trying to “stir up some shit” to increase her chances of getting cast. Please do not send her nasty emails. Especially if they’re written in Croatian.