This year, for the first time ever, we decided to drive to my parents’ house for the holidays instead of taking a plane. This seemed like a good idea when we pulled out of our driveway, however, by the time we pulled back into our driveway—14 days, four states and 4,100 miles later—I was ready to make out with the first airline employee I could find just to smell jet fuel again.
But what kept me sane during the long days of watching my husband drive while I ate snacks in the passenger seat and provided color commentary on the uber witty local billboards we passed was my wonderful iPhone. Here are some of the photos and tweets I used to document our trip, state by state. (And if you were one of the two people who read these live during my trip, I apologize for the repetition. I’m just too fragile to write something else right now. Sniff. IT WAS A LONG TRIP, OK?)
New Mexico:
- And…it’s snowing in New Mexico. This probably wouldn’t happen in Old Mexico.
- Me: “Ok, kids, we’re in Old Town Albuquerque. What should we eat?” Them: “Chinese!”
- It’s been a long day, so I’m going to bed. But tell me if you think I look like I need better moisturizer, OK?
- Driving past the White Sands, NM missile test range right now. Filled with regret that I airbrushed the Target logo on our roof last night.
Arizona:
- We just passed a “Rock Factory Outlet.” I guess I don’t know as much about geology as I thought.
- Does Tempe have a team called the Tantrums? They should.
- Just entered Phoenix. It’s phrickin phabulous, my phriends.
- We literally (I think) drove through some of the “No Country For Old Men” locations today. Maybe that’s why my hair looks like Chigurh’s.
Nevada:
- Road between Vegas & Reno: prisons, whorehouses & Area 51. (I have a really good “probing” joke but my husband’s telling me to be ladylike.)
- We just passed the Brothel Museum. “Look, kids, back in the olden days, hookers had to make their own penicillin with moldy bread!”
- We’ve passed at least 10 Nevada brothels today, but I only dropped off my resume at 5 of them. (Wish me luck!)
Miscellaneous rantings:
- For the last time, husband, it’s no fun doing a Hall & Oates singalong if I only get to do the Oates parts.
- Husband—whistling “99 Luftballoons.” Me—seriously considering my options.
- I miss my bathroom.
- My parents had map fights on all of my childhood road trips and now I’m passing that beautiful legacy onto my own kids. Sniff. I SAID GO LEFT!
- Judging from the appearance of this McDonald’s handicapped stall, I just missed a huge toilet-paper/candy cane melee. Sigh. AGAIN.
- If I typed the zipcode of the town we’re driving through right now into the sexual offender database, it’d light up like a frickin pinball machine.
- This hotel must be very fancy because it includes a complimentary tube of Speed Stick!
- Is there a long interview process to get hired as a drug mule? No reason.
- The only radio station we can tune in right now is JOSE-FM. But this tejano is MUY CALIENTE! And the DJ is MUCHO EXCITIDO! WHEEE! ES VERDAD!
- Just had a lively 15 minute “discussion” concerning mesas v. buttes. Related: GET ME OUT OF THIS FRICKING CAR.
- My husband just bought our 7yo a taco from a gas station. I’m sure THAT will end well.
- “Winnebago”: A Native American word meaning “Ha, ha, you stuck behind a f&@king RV for the next 20 miles, you stupid sucka face.”
- Tonight, 4 of us in another hotel room. Tomorrow night, 4 separate rooms with deadbolts on the door.
- Road Trip update: Won’t be home til tomorrow. Somewhere in TX. Or S. America. Who the fuck knows. For the love of God, I want off this highway.
- The road trip ends today. One way or another.
All kidding aside, the road trip was worth it because of all the togetherness, the beautiful scenery and the chance to really bond with my family.
But the next time we drive, I’m going to insist that I get to do the Hall parts in advance. It’s only fair.
My husband thinks he wants to do a road trip, I need to show him this post because he would never survive it. Once we leave civilization, aka San Francisco, my food snob husband who won’t eat fast-food of any sort would starve until we reached the other end of civilization!
I laughed so hard reading your tweets, thanks for re-sharing as I missed the “originals!”
Oh, thank god you’re back. When’s the next road trip?
Love it.
and here my husband was upset b/c I made us drive form IL to Upstate NY with the three pugs for the holidays.
I knew not having kids would pay off one day.
Now the theme song from Vacation is stuck in my head!
I really thought you were never coming back. Not with all that glamour out on the open road.
Oh, I’m dying here.
Dying.
You have me laughing so hard, I passed gas in front of my husband.
Oh, yes, to the entering zipcodes and lighting up like a pinball machine.
You are so dang funny.
Tell me, why isn’t there a movie being made out of your with Ree Witherspoon playing Wendi??????
ihave me U
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Good Day, Reg People and Good Day, Reg People, Wendi Aarons. Wendi Aarons said: If you were following my road trip tweets, this might be repetitious, but here's a new post on our adventure: http://tinyurl.com/27muhfz […]
Why is no reality crew following you? Though I suppose watching someone write funny tweets isn’t so exciting. Though I’d totally watch the Hall & Oates singalongs.
Dear Wendi, I wish you a speedy recovery from the road trip. Are you sure you weren’t inhaling jet fuel fumes when you decided to embark on this particular episode of a Very Griswold Christmas?
I’m glad you made it back with your insanity cactus Wendi. Happy New Year!
Oh, the timing…husband just informed me we’re going on a 14 day cross country driving excursion in July. After reading your (admittedly funny) post, my level of dread just skyrocketed. Hold me.
Considering a road trip to Colorado this summer. Better get an iphone.
But now that I’ve read Marinka’s post I can’t.
Blogging camaraderie at it’s finest.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re an idiot.
Happy 2011!
Did you teach your kids to dive into the front seat with their arms fully extended so that they can be the First One (!!) to cross every state line? Little family tradition I grew up with.
Glad you are home!
Haaaaaa!!! I loved every one of those tweets!! Tempe Tantrums was definitely a favorite. You were cracking me up!
Wendi, you do not want to be a drug mule, Hot Chocolate would not be welcome in those circles. Do you really want to go anywhere that does not accept HC?
As for The brothels: Best of luck, but not only would they want you to trade in HC for “acceptable working clothes”, but you might have to share a bathroom. Best write it off, even if they do get a hold of you.
Happy New Year!
I’m pissed that you were in Phoenix and didn’t phind it phruitful to phone me for a phace to phace meeting.
Wow, this has been the year of the road trip for you. Your children will one day thank you for exposing them to the grande vistas and shit holes of America.
Winnebago. Yeah. I’m laughing.
Welcome back and happy new year!
Happy New Year! I glad you survived the trip. But what were you thinking?!? My husband and I made a 3 day road trip to our new home last year with our 2 pissed off cats. I will not do that again unless you give me plenty of Xanax and a few extra for the hubby and the cats! Glad you made it back in one piece!
And? Did you get the job?
They still make maps?
Wendy, YOU are PHREAKING PHABULOUS!
Moisturizer? Nah. But maybe a tan and a stick of butter (sweating out that last tri maybe worked a little TOO well).
I think Marinka should do a road trip out to San Diego for BlogHer this summer, picking up the Mouthy Housewives and others in your clan along the way. Have someone tape it, and you have a show for TLC, Bravo, or the Playboy Channel, depending on how things go.
We’re planning a road trip up to NYC this summer (from Florida)…I’m thinking we may loose a couple of my spawn on the way, that’s the ONLY thing keeping me going! DO NOT ruin it for me!
P.S. LOVE this post!!! Let me know if the brothels are still hiring…
I read this before bed last night and had scary clown nightmares. I hate clowns. And knowing there’s a hotel full of them is just… oh gawd, I may never sleep again…
“Because your kiss, your kiss, is on my lips….”
A road trip with WA! I would imagine that is might feel like one has won the lottery on the Travel Channel.
Our road trip from FL to GA before we moved up here went something like this:
Me: There IS NO freaking sign that says Greeneville.
Hubby: There has to be. I was told it would have a sign as soon as we came from the tunnels in Atlanta.
Me: Who told you that? The only sign there is says Gainesville.
Hubby: Well, keep heading this way. Here, I’ll drive for awhile.
(Hubby proceeds to get in the HOV lane and drive for the next 35 minutes because he says legally we are carpooling and that’s what the HOV lane is for…I go to sleep!)
Me: Why are we stopping here and where are we?
Hubby: Somewhere north of Atlanta. The kids have to use the bathroom. Why don’t you get yourself a Snickers because your blood sugar must be low by now. (That was the only nice thing he said)
Me: Umm, honey, I think we’re too far North and not enough Northeast!
Hubby shakes his head muttering how I don’t know anything!
Twenty minutes later I see a sign that says…Chattanooga, TN..76 miles…yeah, honey, we’re waaay lost. Only 176 miles from where we were supposed to be!
Ends up, if we would’ve taken the Gainesville Exit, that would’ve taken us to the Greenville Exit, which would’ve taken us to NE Ga….he no longer navigates!
Man, this reminds me of my childhood. Also why I fly.
I’m so glad you made it home alive. I was worried for a bit.
We took exactly one family outing in the car over the holidays, and it was 16 miles, and we almost set a child out on the shoulder even so. I applaud your huevos rancheros in attempting this trip.
Road trips. Every family needs at least one multi-state road trip.
I still remember the one we took from Texas to Canada. My mother didn’t want to stop so that I could use the restroom. McDonald’s was giving away buckets as their “toy.” She insisted I use it as some makeshift bathroom.
good times. good times.
OMG!!! 4100miles!!!! That is like going from the tip of Peninsular Malaysia right to the top border or Thailand up & down, 6 times!!!!
Hahaha… Road trips are fun.
Happy New Year Wendy!!
p/s – 99 Luftballoons is a nice song 🙂
Yes, I was reading some of your tweets. Too funny! The one about the whore houses and Area 51 had me shooting my morning coffee out my nose.
I’m so glad you used some of your best stuff here. It was fun to ride along with you without actually having to get in that freakin car. Oy, my head.
Whenever I hear that song, I always think of the dog tied to the back of the car. So far, I’ve only ever done something like that with a Starbucks cup – but I live in fear.
Happy 2011!
Your life is non-stop glitz and glamour. Those tweets killed me. 99 Luftballoons. I’d be considering options, as well. My brother used to sing that friggin’ wailing song “What’s Going On?” constantly on road trips. Surprised us all when he became a Navy Seal and not…more like Seal.
Glad you made it back. But, I think you should road trip it to BlogHer in August.
Oh wow – it sure is a toss up. We have been in four different places in our three week stay and it is a nightmare to repack each time and rush to make it in time for the airport. But we did do the 12 hour drive from NY to NC WITH jetlag and that was no fun either. Ya just can’t win.
At least you have your humor. 🙂
Please, PLEASE tell me that you stopped and toured the Brothel Museum. I want that kitchen magnet. Or better yet, a tea towel. Do you think they sell Brothel Museum tea towels?
Your commentary is far more interesting than what my mother used to come up with on my endless family vacations (covering the exact same geography as yours). Mama used to give us a constant commentary on all the churches we passed. “Oh look, it’s the Presbyterians!” or “Good heavens, they have TWO Church of Christs in this one town. Imagine!”
Lordy how I miss you!!!!!
[…] or fast food with a ten-foot pole) says he wants to go on a road trip across America. In “holiday road” Wendi details a very special road trip that will have you totally […]