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Topics On My Neighborhood Message Board

by Wendi // November 4, 2010

1. LOST DOG!

2. FOUND DOG!

3. LOST DOG!

4. FOUND DOG!

5. WHY IS AT&T DIGGING HOLES ON OUR STREET?

6. LOST DOG!

7. FOUND DOG!

8. I’M SERIOUS, NEIGHBORS! AT&T IS UP TO NO GOOD! THE GUY WITH THE SHOVEL WAS SURVEILLANCING ME! WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE THEY TAP OUR PHONE LINES AND TAKE AWAY OUR PRECIOUS FREEDOMS! WE MUST NOT STAND DOWN!!!! (ALSO, WASHER FOR SALE, $200.)

9. LOST DOG!

10. FOUND DOG!

11. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HEARD A CLICK NOISE ON THE LINE LAST NIGHT? THIS IS AMERICA, NOT COMMUNIST RUSSIA! DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THEY’RE DOING IN THOSE AT&T VANS? BE AWARE: IT MAY INVOLVE BIOCHEMICALS OR INVISIBLE CHINESE ANTHRAX!

12. LOST DOG!

13. FOUND DOG!

14. STOP CALLING ME A CRACK POT AND A PARANOID FREAK! MY GAS MASK IS FOR MY OWN SURVIVAL! SO ARE THE CAMO NETS AND BLACKOUT SHADES ON MY HOUSE! THE GOVERNMENT WILL NEVER CONTROL ME! I AM TOO AWARE! I WAS NOT BORN YESTERDAY!!!  (WASHER STILL AVAILABLE, $200.)

16. LOST DOG!

17. FOUND DOG!

18. YOU’RE ALL PUPPETS OF THE NEW WORLD ORDER! AND THE TELECOMMUNICATION LOBBYISTS! AND THE CIA BOGEYMEN! THE BLACK HELICOPTERS ARE COMING, FRIENDS! THEY ARE COMING! CHOP, CHOP, CHOP! DON’T COME CRYING TO ME WHEN WE’RE ALL BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS! YOU F*CKERS DESERVE YOUR SWEET DEATHS! I HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR TRIP TO HELL WITH AT&T! (WASHER NOW $150 OBO. CAN DELIVER AFTER 5PM & WILL THROW IN FREE BOX OF TIDE. 🙂 )

19. LOST DOG!

20. FOUND DOG!

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Comments

  1. redgirl says:
    November 4, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Great price on the washer! But I’m allergic to Tide…how about a jug of All?

  2. the mama bird diaries says:
    November 4, 2010 at 10:43 am

    You are hilarious. I’ll give you $75 bucks for the washer.

  3. Jami says:
    November 4, 2010 at 10:48 am

    AT&T does not make money sucking data out of your house. They make money by pumping data into your house. They’re digging up the neighborhood to install cable. If you watch TV, they’ve already got you.

    I’ve got a washer but I could use a new microwave.

    Anybody need to dog? How about a cat? A 15-year-old boy? All free to a good home.

  4. hokgardner says:
    November 4, 2010 at 11:17 am

    We, honest to dog, had a whole message thread about helicopters circling our neighborhood late at night and how it was the men in black watching us and who do we call about getting them sent away and what do you mean no one else heard the helicopters right over my house I swear they were there.

  5. Kizz says:
    November 4, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Forget AT&T your neighborhood needs a leash law STAT!

  6. Worry Not Little Chicken says:
    November 4, 2010 at 11:28 am

    F*$%, you found my sign??

    This is awkward.

    (But seriously, guys, I can feel them watching me right now through the fiber-optic wires.)

  7. zalaine says:
    November 4, 2010 at 11:33 am

    You forgot the best one…the neighborhood safe house is gone. No lost and found needed here.

  8. knittergran says:
    November 4, 2010 at 11:44 am

    What an exciting neighborhood you live in!

  9. Issa says:
    November 4, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    So someone found my dog? Good. Glad to hear it.

    Have you seen my lost dog?

  10. Marinka says:
    November 4, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    Do you think it’s the same dog that keeps getting lost?

  11. Tweets that mention Wendi Aarons » Topics On My Neighborhood Message Board -- Topsy.com says:
    November 4, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by The Suniverse , Wendi Aarons. Wendi Aarons said: The fun of a suburban neighborhood message board. New post: http://tinyurl.com/2veh2jw […]

  12. MarathonMom says:
    November 4, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    No Russian spammers? You better flip it before they take down the property values.

  13. Cait says:
    November 4, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    I love your town! It sounds like the place where I grew up. Man, I miss East Aurora…

  14. Nancy Davis Kho says:
    November 4, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Exactly the reason I refuse to subscribe to my school’s parent Yahoo!Group. The day someone posted about wanting to get rid of a half-eaten jar of soybean butter because “you know, we didn’t actually like it that much” was the day I signed off.

    BTW have you seen my missing AT&T truck?

  15. ellemck says:
    November 4, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    Ya know… I have been hearing a click on the phone too… hmmmmm. Guess I should be suspicious.

  16. Cheryl says:
    November 4, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    I’ve been wearing my new aluminum foil hat lately and the clicking noises have finally stopped. Have you seen my washing machine?

  17. orion says:
    November 4, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Does it peak your interest at all when i say the only thing that peaked MY INTEREST is that your neighbor has a message board?!?!?!?!

  18. Sans Lapdog. says:
    November 4, 2010 at 7:54 pm

    I love you so.

  19. A Vapid Blonde says:
    November 4, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    You know I don’t really appreciate that you posted my posts on the community bulletin board on your blog. That’s not nice.

    Also my washer is no longer for sale as it has become my panic room.

  20. Elizabeth Blaze says:
    November 4, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Wendy. It’s 11:00 o’clock. Do you know where your dog is?

  21. rojopaul says:
    November 4, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    You are hilarious, Wendi. I must say, your neighborhood sounds like fun. I live in the greater Los Angeles area, so I’m used to the “chop, chop, chop” of helicopters. But in our case, they are looking for gang members or thieves–definitely not “surveillancing me.” ha P.S. I hate AT&T. And the cable companies!

  22. The Flying Chalupa says:
    November 4, 2010 at 10:56 pm

    The smiley face emoticon – genius.

    This sounds like our neighborhood message board, but with the Municipal Water District and no TX accent.

    Because that “burst water pipe” needs weekly round-the-clock attention. Right, American Recovery & Reinvestment Act?

  23. Jill says:
    November 4, 2010 at 11:32 pm

    You’re so lucky. Our community boards here only advertise laser procedures and botox. Come to think about it … I did find it rather odd when someone posted about a lost implant.

  24. alexandra says:
    November 5, 2010 at 12:14 am

    We are stuck in the same place, aren’t we???

  25. Laurie says:
    November 5, 2010 at 7:19 am

    It would be funnier if it weren’t exactly how my neighborhood message board reads. We have one dedicated solely to safety too, and normally they get their panties in a twist over solicitors. Dear Lord, people, just go lock yourselves in your safe rooms and leave us alone!

  26. Becky (Princess Mikkimoto) says:
    November 5, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Do you live in a dog park?

  27. Jaimie MO says:
    November 5, 2010 at 7:43 am

    You made my friday! No one uses expletives quite like you Wendy!

  28. Becky Mochaface says:
    November 5, 2010 at 8:10 am

    I’ll give you $20 for the dog.

  29. Jennifer says:
    November 5, 2010 at 8:24 am

    In our neighborhood in Arizona, the mountain lion warnings were always exciting, but this was my favorite:

    “Lost: tortoise. Last seen heading east toward McKellips Road.”

    (Apparently, too fast to be stopped.)

    A month or two later:

    “Found: tortoise”

  30. Ann's Rants says:
    November 5, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Perfect.

  31. Invader_Stu says:
    November 5, 2010 at 11:25 am

    the funny thing is they are right but they got it slightly wrong. The AT&T guy is just an AT&T. The dog is one to look out for. He’s not getting lost. He’s sneaking off to talk to his Russian comrades about what is going no.

  32. sandra says:
    November 5, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Another gem!!!

  33. Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels says:
    November 5, 2010 at 4:38 pm

    oh, your neighbors are so much more fun than mine.

  34. Patty says:
    November 5, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    I have a neighbor with a voice like the Wicked Witch of the West who loves to entertain — lavishly — and will NOT SHUT UP until at least 3:00 a.m. She’s older than I am, for God’s sake, and she still parties till dawn.

    I don’t know if I’m jealous or just sleep-deprived, but will she NEVER SHUT THE F*** UP?!!!

  35. Kyle says:
    November 5, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    The dog. He vill lead us to Moose and Squirrel. And ve vill topple Capitalism. Return to you’re AT&T vans comrades. Tomorrow America says dosvidanya.

  36. Sophie@Fabrications says:
    November 5, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    So… serious dog management problems in your neighborhood, yes?

  37. Kelley says:
    November 6, 2010 at 3:10 pm

    Hahahahaaaaaaa!! That cracked me up! I loved how there was a quick mention of a washer still being for sale for $200.

    And, no 5c on my small talk quiz was not written after talking to your North Dakota cousins unless we are related and my cousins moved to North Dakota without telling me. Hmmm…

  38. Arthur Dent says:
    November 6, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    As always, Wendi, a real pleasure. Thank you once again. ~bow~

  39. DG at Diaryofamadbathroom says:
    November 7, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    This makes me think that there are actually advantages to froniter living. Little House on the Prarie did not have a homeowners association.

  40. mommakiss says:
    November 7, 2010 at 7:15 pm

    So, did anyone find a dog? I lost mine.

  41. Tonya says:
    November 8, 2010 at 11:17 am

    I LOVE your neighborhood!! You’ve got people looking out for you. That’s so nice!
    I’m a little concerned about the OCD dude who keeps misplacing his canine though. Oh wait, you live in Austin…he’s just high.
    (btw I really miss Austin)

  42. Wulf says:
    November 8, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Huh? “Money by sucking data out”? No, no. They make money by siphoning money out. Then they pump in so much garbage you won’t notice it’s missing ; )

  43. anymommy says:
    November 8, 2010 at 10:21 pm

    I want to live in your neighborhood. We never get exciting AT&T espionage.

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