(In case you missed the inspiration behind this, a couple of days ago, a writer for fashion magazine Marie Claire wrote an inflammatory post about “fatties” making out on TV.)
The other day, I asked myself, “Do I get uncomfortable when I see brunette people making out on television?”
Because I can be kind of clueless — I don’t watch TV because I’m far too busy reading Russian literature and saving baby seals — I had no idea what I was talking about, so I steered myself to this CNN article, but that was about the CBS sitcom Mike & Molly where they show intimacy between two plus-sized actors.
Well, I certainly don’t have a problem with large people gettin’ busy, I said to myself. More power to them. But what I definitely DO have a problem with is all of these brunettes sucking face in prime time. Because while I think our country’s obsession with blonde hair perfection is unhealthy, I also think it’s at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting mousy, unshiny BROWN hair! And brown hair is costing our country far more in terms of all of the related “We’re not that hot when compared to Sweden” problems than any other health problem! Including dandruff and male pattern baldness!
So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with inches and inches of brown hair kissing each other…because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything with their non-golden, non-Playmate hair. To be brutally honest, even in real life, which is what I think I’m in right now—not sure—I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very brunette person simply walk across the room without the sunlight hitting them and making their head shine like a blonde angel sent from heaven to make us forget about the crap economy—just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person with a reverse mullet and a scrunchie doing the Cabbage Patch dance at a bar mitzvah. Ewwwww!
Now, don’t go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called “dishwater blondes.” I’m not some blonde-ist jerk. And I know how tough it can be for truly brunette people to psych themselves up for the long process of full or partial highlights at the salon. (For instance, the dark-haired maintenance guy at my gym has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even BUY Miss Clairol #40 because he’s been brunette for as long as he can remember. Mostly because he’s Latino.)
But…brunette-sity is something that most people have a ton of control over! It’s something they can change, if they just pay $300 every month to spend four hours in a salon having their heads doused in their hairdresser’s strongest bleach and ammonia!
(I’m happy to give you some highlighting suggestions if you need them — but long story short, pour lemon juice and vodka on your head and sit in the hot sun until you pass out and have to be rushed to the ER. You’ll wake up stoned and hooked to an IV, but you’ll also have total sunkissed goodness framing your face! Hello, Goldie Hawn Jr.!)
So, what do you guys think? Brunette people making out on TV—are you cool with it? Or am I just being dumb and insensitive? Because I’d hate for that to be true, even if I am fabulous blonde.
What about those TV shows where the guy is a brunette (ew!) and the woman is a blonde? I watch those and think “There is no way she’d marry a guy with that hair color.”
I have always admired your fabulous blonde locks. Me myself, I am ginger, and thus have been consigned to the cold steps of life as a doormat. But hey! I get to look up kilts all day long, so I can’t complain.
OMG. This is the funniest thing I may have ever read. Ever. (I actually wrote a post saying that writer shouldn’t be fired, but I completely condone her being mocked to high heaven.) In case you ever doubted you are a genius, this is proof.
Awesome. And absolutely just as logical as her idiotic post. On a side note, I guess I’ll have to head out to the salon and spend even more hours in the chair. To this point I have only been trying to cover the grays, it never occurred to me how offensive my dark hair could be. I have been so selfish and self absorbed to not realize this sooner. Thank you so much for setting me straight.
love this. am sharing with my friends!
I’m all for the brunettes but the Size A cups?
Gimme a break.
I am offended by skinny people making out on TV. All their bony arms and legs flailing all over, ready to poke someone’s eye out with that sharp elbow, unprotected by the soft cushion of fat.
*shudder* And then their bare, skinny butts, with no freaking fat to speak of, up in the air with the moonlight bouncing off it, instead of spreading across a mountainous bulge of flesh.
Skinny people making out on TV. Ugh. Makes me want to vomit!
So sad….someone removed Rose’s sarcasm sensor.
I can understand pouring lemon juice on my hair, but vodka? That goes into my mouth, right?
Ewwww – so true! But even worse?? Two redheads in a nude love scene. They’re even red *down there*!!
As a former auburn (little brown mixed with the dark red), I have no problem with anyone of any hair color, or even those follicley challenged, having fun. I used to put vinegar on my hair to really bring out the red, when it was winter and the brown tried to rule.
However, I have Given Up and am totally gray. Yup, gray — silvery gray. It saves a ton of time and money and product. Also, the vodka goes where it belongs — in a glass, and then into ME.
This is where CNN says “touche”, right?
…but what about two blondes with scrunchied mullets on tv, kissing? Would that be ok? It’s all seems so very complicated, Wendi. But thank you for being so brave and speaking out on this.
Forget about hair color – the fatties could teach us something that we never learn in 6th grade. These days with 1 in 5 people being obese, they would even be doing a public service. No matter how old you are, every hair coloring box comes with idiot -proof instructions, right? Gloves first, then add color. THAT would have been helpful to know a few minutes ago…
I just have to say that you are awesome!
This is quite an extreme reaction from you and I can’t help but think that it might have grown out of your own coloring issues, your history as an overbleached blonde, and your life-long obsession with being golden. Is it even a possibility that seeing someone with fried and unkempt blondeness would leave you feeling as uncomfortable as someone with shiny, dark curls?
I’m a brunette, so I’m going to go hide in a cave.
Oh! Except I already made a hair appointment to get caramel colored highlights. Or is that still too brown?
Fucking genetics.
Awesome! This is the best slightly racist Sharron Angle campaign ad yet!
By the way, Maura Kelly (of “fatties” fame) “looks Chinese”, as Sharron would say. All those dark people look the same… And I think she wants to propose legislation to stop them from procreating too.
Long time lurker, but I LOVE this! Thank you! LOL
Well color me offended, badumbump…pay no attention if someone sneaks in and steals those blond locks of yours
Long Live Redheads!
Oh, and I almost forgot… Wendi is awesome.
I think it’s time for you to post your apology to all the brunettes out there. Obviously this post came out of your own unresolved highlighting addiction.
Speaking as a “fattie” brunette (although, now one of the elite gray), I LOVED your post. Way to ram the insensitivity home girl! Aren’t we all blondes at heart! (And I agree, the curtains don’t always match the carpet….for those closet brunettes out there.)
Gray is the new blonde.
Brunettes, fatties, women who don’t wax their legs, high-IQers, should all be banned from public life, not just television.
Where does one draw the line? Full or partial highlights? There is a slippy slope from sort of blond to brunette. It’s so hard to deal with the intolerance.
This is why I love you, Wendi. You ask the hard hitting the questions that the rest of us are afraid to ask. Because lets face it, brunettes can get violent. And there’s nothing scarier than a mousey-haired vengeful monster.
In my homeland of Finland, brunettes are turned away from customs. Amen.
Damn! I am brunette AND overweight?! I can’t believe I had the audacity to stand up in front of 300 people in August and GET MARRIED! What was I thinking…kissing my new groom “in public”! No wonder everyone drank so much beer…they were likely just trying to deal with the spectical they had to watch!
(great spoof on the CNN thing! Although, even YOUR wit couldn’t compare the underlying snobbery in that artical! Check out the rebuttal by Jen Lancaster http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/)
The whole idea is borderline fetishism. I’m scandalized.