Guy #1: And that’s precisely why we have to ship the multiple convoluted units to the Asian markets!
Guy #2: Right! I agree completely! See me nodding my head? A—-greed!
Guy #1: And another thing: we must vertically optimize our dissimulator or the integrated merchandisers will not process the defibrillator! That’s what happened to Intel or Datacrap or maybe I’m just making shit up as I go along because I LOVE THE SOUND OF MY OWN VOICE! LOL!
Guy #2: You are so right!
Guy #1: Beta servers must move within the next five years or data’s dead!I’m pounding my fist because I believe in this bullshit so strongly! Oh, my God—I FEEL SO ALIVE!
Guy #2: I like what you said so much that I’m now furiously typing it on my laptop! I’m hitting the keys really hard so everyone hears it and thinks I’m hot shit! TAP TAP TAP!
Guy #1: Lately my core has been telling me that we must put our best sales reps on the technology forefront of targeted accounts and something something about Silicon Valley and either microchips or monkeys. Now I’m going to take off my glasses and polish them! I’M SO SMART!
Guy #2: Agreed! Also, I like your polo shirt!
Guy #1: I like your polo shirt, too! And your Dockers!
Guy #2: Thanks! I got the pleats just right this morning!
Guy #1 & 2: Dockers rule!
Guy #1: Pssst….do you see that weird aging blonde woman staring at us? The one who needs a pedicure and a glycolic peel or two?
Guy #2: Yeah, I think she wants us. She’s obviously way into hot high tech guys who clip their phones to their belt and smell like Drakkar Noir and printer ink.
Guy #1: Well, bro, you can have her because I don’t want her one bit. She looks like she has obviously no idea what search engine Googletization is. And I bet she thinks she’s cooler than us. (Snort!) She probably doesn’t even have a Best Buy card. LOSER!
Guy #2: LOSER! But no thanks. I don’t want her either. She looks like a pain in the ass.
Guy #1 & #2: Hahahahaha! Let’s high five each other like we’re sports guys!
Guy #1: Oh, look—she’s leaving! She got no work done at all because we acted so loud and important today at the coffee house! Look at all of the wrinkles between her eyes as she scowls at us! WRINKLE LADY! I hope your hard drive gets a virus that makes it defrag itself or something really bad like that so you can’t watch YouTube videos about kangaroo nut punches. Whoo-hoo!
Guy #2: Whoo-hoo! WE RULE!
Guy #1: WE RULE! Wait, why is she writing “DOCKERS CAN SUCK IT” on the window in lipstick?
Guy #2: What the hell? Oh, I’m so going to put this on a Linus message board. That’ll show her she can’t mess with us and our awesomeness. TAP TAP TAP!
Note: I do not have any personal bias against all guys who wear Dockers or clip their cell phones to their belts. Just these two idiots.
Yes, I just spit all over my laptop. Damn you Aarons! Have a heart.
Seriously. Every time my husband talks about work, my eyes glass over and I wish I had never asked. And when he is explaining something to me, I have to constantly remind him that I do NOT do this for a living (not only that, but I am a Mac, and he is a PC. Ew.). I’m not computer illiterate, but laymen’s terms please!
I was in LA last February, and I SWEAR that everytime we went out to eat, someone at a table next to us was doing the show business equivalent of the geek conversation in your post. It was truly weird, and I think we were the only people NOT involved in some Hollywood-speak activities. I bet they were making it all up.
You wrote “Dockers Can Suck It” in lipstick? I bow to you.
ROFL!! You forgot to mention their very shiny Dell badges that are clipped “just so” on their belt loop (or for those REALLY uber-Dellionairs it’s on a lanyard!) so everyone can see their name and how long they’ve not been making money with the company. 😉
DH works there, I can say that, LOL! *But he doesn’t wear khakis so I know you didn’t see him!
All those convoluted things they say are really just a secret code in which they shamelessly compliment eachother
Or insult another programer whose code is insufficient.
Or apparently you and the public at large that doesn’t have a gaget belt with spare pocket protectors in it 😛
Is this mocking… or? Because I really like those two guys now. I think they’re broiffic.
Were these guys wearing pocket protectors too?
I’m pretty sure the IT guys at my last job had this exact conversation a few months ago. One of them liked to try to have the conversation me one time. I think the glassy-eyed stare made him realize never to talk to me again.
If I didn’t know better, I’d say this was a verbatim conversation I overheard during my commuter bus ride home one day. However, it beats the “but the doctor told you to use the ENTIRE antibiotics prescription or we can’t do it anymore” cell phone conversation I got to listen to one night. Yeah, that one made my ears bleed.
LOL! Gotta love the ‘try-hards’. There’s a bunch in every cultural/employment group.
Were YOU the one my husband was telling me about????
These guys have no taste.
Wink, Wink.
No way did those guys say “wrinkle lady”. Nor do they know what a glycolic peel is. Come to think of it, neither do I. My bad. Anyhow, they were probably coveting you in secret, and so being loud and obnoxious to capture your attention.
Love this.
This was THE BEST way for me to start a Saturday morning. Still laughing….
Real nerds shop at Fry’s, not Best Buy. Other than that, you’ve got these guys down cold. You just described my local Starbux – the unofficial office of the out-of-work desperate tech contractor (maybe idea for new tv show?)
I wonder where a girl can purchase some wholesale pleats. Do you think they sell them online?
Must be cousins of the fools that always sit near me on my lovely Amtrak ride to San Diego. Was it rude to turn to them and yell Shut the F**k up? Next time I’ll go your route and just stare! Brilliant story as always Wendi!!
My hubby has had to dumb down his high tech talks to me sooo many times. He does it automatically now.
Oh honey, this kind of male yapping is just code for “My penis is small, but if I talk big and use every lengthy word I can come up with, whether it’s in the dictionary or not, my penis will seem much larger.” Unless they were short. Then it’s to make them appear taller. Men are very simple in this way. There’s a pathetic attorney locally who ALWAYS has his bluetooth plugged into his head. The message is that he is an important person (with NO discernible personality). It’s just sad. As for your tech-talk guys… I doubt that they would have known how to actually talk to you… in English.
Genius.
IT guys… I believe they’re all evil… they’ve kept me waiting a month for a new computer at work, I bet these two guys had something to do with it!
DOCKERS CAN SUCK IT!
See? This is why I live in Santa Monica. I haven’t seen a pair of Dockers in 7 years.
Men in $250 douche bag jeans? *Yes.* Dockers…no.
Come to think of it, I’m not sure which of us has the raw deal on this one.
😉 A.
OMG, I’m still laughing after reading this yesterday. Even funnier is that after spending 2 years in India, THE IT capital of the world, I’ve heard this SAME conversation.
Only with head bobs.
If all your posts are this funny, I may have to start following . . . and make sure not to have any hot liquids in my mouth when I read them.
Wendi, This is a marvelous caricature of techno-geeks. Perhaps you could get these guys to install a Facebook button on your blog so I can share your coffee-spewing wisdom with my Friends.
The thing of it is, these guys are wannabes. Because software engineers are too busy dancing (salsa, ballroom, west coast swing, lindy hop, etc) to be bothered having stupid convos like this in Starbucks. 😉 At least all the programmers and rocket scientists I know…
Haha.
Now I’m both happy and sad.
Happy cuz this is funny.
Sad because I want to know someone like you in this town.
We have a bit of the same thing: except our guys wear Carter’s and OshKoshBGosh overalls and laugh at those that ride lesser tractors on the roads, where we all have to follow behind their large orange SMV (slow moving vehicle) triangle sign on their back.
At 25 mph. On all gravel. On a single lane. When you’re late to pick up your baby from soccer.
“Tractors can suck it.”
After seeing The Social Network this weekend I think Guy #1 is Mark Zuckerberg.
Why didn’t you say they smelled of printer ink to begin with. That’s hot. Like laptop on your lap too long hot. Search engine Googleization sounded like Zoolanders ‘eugugolizing’.
I just want to be clear that these were not really tech guys. They were the toxic hybrid that’s created when you cross tech guys with sales guys.
God, I wish the lipstick part was completely true. I’m just going to pretend it totally was! 🙂
Sadly, I used to be married to one of those guys but then I forced him outside into the sunlight and set fire to his Dockers and clip belt and now he’s a normal human being. I know…I’m an angel.
The hell? I absolutely have personal biases against any one wearing pleated dockers in 2010.
Wait… you wrote “Dockers Can Suck It” in lipstick. Backwards. In a fury. You SO impressed the Docker twins; you know they wanted you. But they cannot possess you. Because you’re too damned funny and beautiful to be wooed by the likes of polo-shirt wearing, phone-clipping, taptaptapping tech dorks.
Wait. Don’t tell me. Are you in…Austin? I thought so. That city smells of drakkar noir and printer ink a mile away.
This is one of your best, Wendi. LOVE IT! I feel so alive! click click click!
But really, pleats are hot.
Drakkar Noir – bwhahahaha!
It could be worse. It could be Axe, or whatever the hell that stench was, and Deep Spiritual and Philosophical horseshit spewed all over a Starbucks coffee shop with such a superior smirk that I was amazed it wasn’t dripping with the contents of a thousand macchiatos. (It took 15 minutes for my venti Americano with two extra shots, or I’d have run screaming from the Starbucks. Caffeine addiction is a terrible thing.)
Personally, I think they act like this as a kind of desperation mating ritual, because they are aware that if, by any miraculous chance one should connect with a female, he will die horribly during the actual mating when she bites off his head.
I love this so much I actually passed on my borrowed IPad so my friend could read it. I didn’t give that up for just anything!
You are my favorite. In all the land.
I hate those guys.
they certainly have no idea who you are and what you’re capable of doing 😛
Is Drakkar that bad? I thought it smells alright 🙂 – i used to use them until a colleague told me that only old uncles use them.