This past Saturday afternoon I drove across town to pick up my son Sam’s custom ordered birthday cake at Costco. I figured that would be a great time to do it because the University of Texas vs. Oklahoma football game was currently being played, and when UT football is on, the city of Austin basically shut down until it’s over. (Seriously—check the game schedule and plan your B&E’s accordingly.)
Once I got to the warehouse, I wove my way to the bakery only to discover that the cake I needed for Sunday morning’s party had been taken by someone else. Yep, someone actually went into the custom cake self-serve refrigerator and self-served their lousy ass to my son’s birthday cake. What the hell?
I immediately jumped on the only person still working in the bakery and told him what happened. “The cake was personalized!” I yelped. “It was a football theme and it said ‘Happy 9th Sam’! And just how many nine-year-old football fans named Sam can there be in Texas?”
“Um, probably…a lot?” he mumbled as he quickly maneuvered a rack of bulk muffins between us in case things turned ugly. (And thereby confirming my belief that most bakery employees know hell hath no fury like a suburban mother the night before a kid’s birthday party. In fact, they’re probably even required to attend a training session on it right after they learn how to tase a raging Bridezilla.)
“What am I supposed to do now?” I moaned. “It’s too late to order another cake. And it’s not like I can go home and MAKE one, right? I mean, not unless the birthday party theme is ‘Sad White Trash’ and Sam actually wants a cake that tastes like wood chips and looks like a skateboard park designed by a heroin addict. And don’t even tell me to pick one up at the grocery store because the frosting on those babies has enough dye in it to kill an elephant. I’m screwed! Totally, absolutely, 100 percent screw….wait! Do you think the kids would notice if I just stuck a candle in a pumpkin pie and told them to chew until they find a Silly Band?”
“Um…” the bakery guy said from his crouched position behind an industrial mixer. “Or you could just fill out another form and come back in the morning? That might be…more safe? Can I leave now?”
Fortunately everything worked out and the great people at Costco had a new, perfect cake waiting for us the next morning before they even opened for business. (Obviously they know the importance of keeping their best $8 wine/bulk toilet paper customer happy.) But once the cake drama was over, I realized how foolish I was to get upset over such a first world problem. After all, I’m truly lucky that all I had to be worried about this weekend was a stolen cake when there are so many people on the planet much less fortunate than me.
That said, I then started to wonder about the people on the planet who are actually more fortunate than me. Like, do you suppose Gwyneth Paltrow ever turns to her sort-of-cute-with-the-right-lighting-Cold Play husband and says, “Sorry I was such a pain about you spilling champagne on my least favorite Birkin bag yesterday, darling. I must always remember how lucky we are. After all, there are people on this planet who have to order their birthday cakes from a warehouse. A bloody warehouse!”
That may be true, but I know of at least one 9-year-old named Sam (and his little brother Jack) who seemed pretty happy we did.
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Also, big news! My dear friend Ann Imig is bringing her fabulous Listen To Your Mother show to Austin, and I’m going to be spearheading it! (Ann tells me “spearheading” means getting paid $100K to sit around and be bossy, but that’s yet to be confirmed.) Anyway, if you’re in Austin & interested in talking about this with me, be sure to let me know!
That’s a freakin awesome cake.
I figure the celebs still get their cake from a warehouse, but they send their people to go get it. And I’ll bet they have their people throw cell phones and beat up the bakery people.
The look on the birthday boy’s face is priceless. The fast-acting Costco folk might need a copy of that for their Wall of Justice.
WHO DOES THAT? Stealing a customized birthday cake is the work of a huge douche! Glad it worked out.
I enlarged the photo to check out the cake and realized both boys have your eyes. They’re kinda red in the middle and I suspect they glow in the dark.
Congratulations for handling yourself so well in Costco and at the ball game. I was worried about you and that former wrestler.
As pleased as I am that LTYM is happening in your area and your the spearhead (which I actually think is kinda like a Steve Martin joke), has anyone noticed there’s a line right down the middle of the country seperating the non-LTYM from the LTYM sites? If I didn’t know any better, I’d think y’all were dissing the East Coast. Ahem.
Um yeah, that 3rd your should be you’re. I’m not as unedumicated as I look.
LOL! Our daughter’s birthday was Friday and my husband told me I couldn’t have her party on Saturday “because nobody will come because the game’s on”. 🙂 Actually, he’s an OU fan but we still live in Austin, so neither HE nor any friend would’ve been there. Had the party yesterday just in case.
Glad they were able to help you out! Can’t believe somebody would STEAL a custom cake. Crazy!
The Vikings? Seriously? I’ve got news for you – your first cake wasn’t stolen. It was confiscated. Come on! You’re in Texas! You have two viable teams to choose from – three if you include New Orleans – and you choose the friggin’ Vikings?!?! And don’t try to blame Sam for this, ’cause he’s obviously not wearing a Vikings jersey. Whose colors are those, anyway? You’re making me crazy here, Wendi!
Okay. My husband stole it.
But we live in Jersey, my name is Liz, and I hate football. . .
But it was my birthday and he can do NOTHING for himself!
Cute cake and even cuter boys! I bet Gwyneth Paltrow eats baby songbirds prepared by Mario Batalli for her birthday. And every other day.
You drink $8 wine? You fancy girl!
Costco does personalized cakes? Next thing you’ll be telling me Target sells groceries…
It is your destiny to be an incredible spearhead.
Hahahhahahahahaha! I love when you post.
“…turns her kinda cute in the right light Cold Play husband and says, ‘there are people ordering cakes from WAREHOUSES! WAREHOUSES!”
Wonderful.
And, yes, let’s all stop with out first world problems, like “whine whine…when are we going to get a finished basement.”
Hear me, kids?
And congrats to Ann, she is the nicest woman, who just so happens to have kids and be funny.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Good Day, Reg People and Good Day, Reg People, Wendi Aarons. Wendi Aarons said: The day someone stole our birthday cake. New post: http://tinyurl.com/27y87ae […]
I think that there are so many problems in the world that we could all go crazy worrying about them. Therefor it’s important to focus on the things you can do something about. Like making your kid happy with an awesome birthday cake or writing passive agressive notes to the d-bag who hogs the drying room and doesn’t even actually use it causing you to have to drape damp clothes all over your apartment. Spearheading, as far as I know, also involves a large box of the good wine and cheesecake being brought to you.
YAHOO! Congrats on LTYM AUSTIN! how cool!
Was this post about cake? This diabetic isn’t allowed to eat it or read about it.
I think the Costco folks saw the lightning bolts in your eyes. They were wise to come up with another cake. (and good job, Costco, by the way)
Don’t mess with my kids’ birthdays, man.
(who am I kidding? my son’s last birthday involved a light saber battle after dark. All I had to do was sit inside and hope no one needed a crash helmet.)
Wendi, I am in Austin. Would love to learn more about Listen to your Mother. I enjoy your blog so much. Curses on the wretch that stole your cake!!
One can only hope they used recalled eggs in the 1st cake and that thief mom decided to sneak the 1st piece. Bitch!
What a set of handsome young men! I learned only yesterday that my 5-yr-old Sabrina chases boys at lunch. I’ll keep her away from them. Oh and good news – I learned by reading your post that Costco IS open Sunday. More ways to waste a weekend.
Would love to hear more about Listen to Your Mother. Keep me posted!
It is amazing how things change as your kids get older if I were you I probably would have slept outside of costco waiting for the cake the next day to make sure it could not be stolen!
But as they become teenagers all the things you thought you would never have to deal with you do have to deal with and your mind set changes.
Your son and his friends sneak out of your house and steal really old vodka. Why should he be in trouble he was the DD?
He rolls his car with his brother in it but they both walk away unhurt.He should get a another car becuase I don’t want to drive him around.
He gets a blood clot and has to have a vien replaced and a rib removed at Mayo clinic at the age of 16,He wants a tatoo-my guess he will get one within the year with my approval.
Motherhood is the biggest roller coaster ride and all we do is hang on and pray that we all make it each day.
I love ya!
New email addy, same ol CSY…
I have to admit, I wanted to meet you SO badly that I drove from Tally to Austin and stole your cake. It took you so long to get there that I’d ended up eating a piece of it and giving the rest to this sweet white trash looking woman with a million kids and no teeth! Her youngest’s name was Sam…please don’t be mad – I’ll make it up to you…
Ok, I just noticed the GATORS jersey…had I known you were a Gators fan…well, I still would’ve read you – just wouldn’t have laughed as hard. I’m a Georgia fan…I’ll show you the tat I have just to prove it. Love you anyway…
Damn, not quick enough to win the Sudafed! But seriously, I can’t thank you enough for giving me permission to feel crappy because celebs like Ms. Paltrow who have people like Mario Batali to make them broccoli rabe have nicer lives than us. I mean, I KNOW there are people with worse lives! But I would like to bemoan the fact that UPS screwed up my god damn zappos order and I DID NOT receive my amazing kick-ass boots OVERNIGHT as promised without guilt! It’s the small things. Really.
That was an awesome cake, but as long as Mom was there, remembering the important things (i.e., the world did not begin until Sam’s arrival), you might have been able to get by with Hostess cupcakes.
My daughter starts planning her birthday the day after her previous birthday (truly, the UNIVERSE did not begin until Kitty arrived), but she’s been grace itself in the lean times.
You’re right about the cakes, except Ralph’s used to have an absolutely awesome white coconut cake and a really good shadow cake. No dye, though. 🙂
Gwyneth Paltrow turning “to her sort-of-cute-with-the-right-lighting-Cold Play husband” comment was freakin’ hilarious.
and OF COURSE Gwyn would add “Bloody” now that she’s a Brit.
And I have never heard a better description of the cakes my step-mom used to make us. WITH LOVE and hopefully no heroine.
xoxoxo Thanks for the shout out!!!
Thanks for reminding me to put “bulk toilet paper” on next week’s shopping list.
Also, the stealing basturds. May they choke on it and get hyper headache.
I’m going to be a pill and be serious and disagree with you about this being a first world problem. Being able to trust your neighbor and wanting your child to have a happy birthday are not fancy baubles. We laugh and shrug it off, but honestly, what IS going through the mind of someone who takes a 9-year-old’s b’day cake? I mean, this is the easy stuff, dude. And it IS infuriating having to go back for a cake that may or may not be there the next day. And sure, it’s not like you’re Jodi Foster on a pool table – but there was a violation here, and I’m glad you called it.
Thinking about those more fortunate is SO much more satisfying and less guilt-racking. Yeah, Chris Martin definitely needs the right lighting. But I bet when he’s singing “Green Eyes” with pyrotechnics and shooting stars all around him, he’s kind of cute.
Very exciting about “Listen To Your Mother” – when will it be happening? I’m intrigued!
Costco cake is the best! And don’t even get me started on their $8 wine selection. And have you tried the All-American Chocolate Cake? I’d cut a bitch for a piece of that!
Having said that, you have confirmed one of my fears that my special order cake may not be waiting for me in the said section. This world is full of savages, I tell you!
But it all seemed worth it – those two cuties look so happy with the cake!
Boo on the cake thief. I’m always amazed at how shameless and shitty people can be.
Speaking, of . . . Sister Woman, you know you picked the right first worlder to mess with. Have you heard my feelings on one Gwyneth K. Paltrow?
http://thesuniverse.blogspot.com/2010/09/oh-gwyneth-k-paltrow-you-make-my-head.html
One word: cakewrecks.com
things could have been so much worse….
I so feel your pain. I went to pick up Dylan’s barbie doll birthday cake and they forgot to put on the rainbow sprinkles. I don’t know how she got through her birthday.
Happy bday Sam!!!
Wow, sorry about the cake. I did think it was weird how Costco *knew* to make a cake for my 9 year old named Sam on his Birthday. I thought it was really cool that they *knew* he liked football too. I thought the universe was just working in my favor for once.
Ok, so I don’t have a 9 year old named Sam and I don’t live in Austin but whoever bought it must have thought that was an awesome coincidence!
I love your blog, by the way. You are hilarious.
Well, I don’t know about Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris-what-the-hell-is-his-name but my husband and I have that conversation a lot. And then we laugh and laugh.
Oh, how I have so quickly forgotten about the football-is-on-so-NOTHING-shall-happen time in Austin. I guarantee you it was a drunk frat boy or maybe my mother-in-law who took your cake. Glad you were able to get a new one. I wouldn’t have wanted to read about “the bloodbath at the local Costco”
“Sort-of-cute-in-the-right-lighting” is the exact description of the cupcakes I made for Bob’s birthday last year. Next stop – Costco.
Glad it all worked out. Your sons are adorable.Gweneth wouldn’t have made it through such a crisis well. She wouldn’t make it through costco at all. She would pass out in horror from lack or food and at the sheer horror of so many non-fake English accents and bounty of stretch pants costing less than $200.
Well thank god that all worked out. For a minute I thought I needed to spearhead a very first world picketing of warehouse bakeries!
Wow. You have a really fancy Costco. Our Costco football cakes don’t look anywhere near as nice as that.
I’m glad it all worked out. I for one, am writing nasty threatining letters (on a daily basis)to Costo re. the bakery because they discontinued the 20 for $14 cupcakes-the-size-of-your-head!! The month before my daughters birthday!! The nerve!!!
So…. someone is cruising the display cases that holds the personlized cakes and hits the jackpot with Sam’s cake! Maybe their Uncle Sam was celebrating surviving in prison! Glad it turned out well. Costco always rocks and takes a minimum of $100 out of your wallet every visit. Small price to pay and we do all pay…
Makes me miss the boys SO much seeing this pix of them!! WAAAAAHHH! Glad it all worked out!! Great story! xo
Congrats on your spearheading/directing gig. You’ll be awesome. Sam and Jack are too adorable!
There is only one possible explanation. It was Sam’s evil twin! I bet it was the evil parallel dimension version of you who took the cake for her evil parallel dimension Sam. It’s the only way to explain another Sam who is nine and likes football.
Wait. Stuck on $8 wine at Costco. Austin Costco so kicks Springfield NJ Costco’s ass.
OK. I’m back. Your boys are scrumptious!!
A late comment because I just found your blog- it’s very funny, and I am looking forward to reading it all weekend instead of cleaning my house. Unfortunately, I know what happened to the cake. Some wife sent her husband to Costco for a birthday cake. Somehow he didn’t notice that the cake said “Sam” until he got home and got the “who the H-E-double hockey sticks is Sam?” response from his wife. But since I’m married, I have no sympathy for him.
Opps! I used my old email address out of habit. It was hijacked last month, and hotmail wouldn’t give it back. Sorry!
Ok as I read I had this overwhelming urge to laugh.And then I all but spat on my monitor.OMG So freaking funny.Thank you for the daily dose
Light and Love to all