(In no particular order.)
1. I was thrilled to recently be invited by iVillage to audition for their new iVoices panel, especially since The Today Show’s Natalie Morales is one of the judges. However, I must have misread the instructions saying they were looking for “real women” as “real, strange women” because I chose to send in a genius little video that not only included me wearing my Kate Gosselin wig & sunglasses, but also a scene of me draped in a Snuggie interviewing my cat about whether or not I need marionette line Botox.
For those of you playing at home, that officially makes it The Today Show 14, Wendi 0.
2. In an effort to have less distractions in my life, I went into Twitter exile last week and asked my friend Marinka to change my password for me and keep it a secret. Imagine my joy seven days later when I found out I now have to log in as “BEYONCE1FAN.”
Well played, Marinka. Well played.
3. On the scratch pad next to my computer, I recently noticed the following notes made in my handwriting:
Banana stand
bitch gonna holla 🙂
rotary snack attack
proud mary v. layla = I hate Chernobyl
My thighs ATE TOLEDO, yo
Does Febreze cause impotence or just ragged cuticles? Must call CDC.
Tuesday 8/24 at 5:30am—take pictures!!
I Love da Wine, but da Wine, she no love me
If you have any information as to what any of that means, please, do tell. My mental health would greatly appreciate it.
4. If you’ll recall, I was recently put in charge of the school’s summer slide show. All was going well until I asked my husband to help out and he then took over and started adding in music that’s usually only heard in iron curtain discos. This led to the following heated exchange:
What the hell IS this song?
Like it? It’s the number once dance song in Belgrade this week!
Listen, I only enlisted you for below-the-line work. I’M the creative brains behind this slide show, got it?
Are not!
Are too!
Cut to my husband storming out of the room and me adding in a title card announcing the slide show was officially an “Alan Smithee Production.”
5. On my way to meet a woman about a thing last night, I arrived at a four-way stop the same time as a blue Honda. Since my pet peeve in life is people who can’t figure out four-way stops (like my redneck neighbors who apparently don’t count that high), I let a rude finger gesture fly when the blue Honda took my turn. Two minutes later, I see the woman I’m meeting get out of the blue Honda, so I then have to quickly zoom past her, park three blocks away and walk to meet her in the pouring rain.
Of course, none of this would have happened if the state of Texas would finally agree to let me tint my windows “50 Cent Style,” so please, write your Congressperson on my behalf.
6. For the past six months, I’ve been convinced that I have either necrotizing fasciitis or sepsis on my left calf due to a recurring baseball sized bruise. However, last week, when I told my husband that my leg was probably going to fall off soon because every time I get out of my car, I bump my bruise against the running board, he pointed out that maybe my bruise is actually caused by “bumping it against the running board, you dummy.”
Wish I’d known that before I gave away all of my left shoes to charity.
Your husband’s response in #6 made me laugh out loud.
And I don’t know whether to be proud or embarrassed that I know what an Alan Smithee production is.
You need your own reality show, Wendi. Clearly.
In-jokes like “An Alan Smithee Productions completely make my day.
And was that list of phrases for real?? If so, I worry for you.
I am totally writing to Texas about tinting your windows. To match the bruise on your calf.
Those people on The Today Show are the ones missing out, if you ask me.
Too. Freakin’. Funny.
Today Show? Bah, you are WAY better than that.
I’d make sure you wear that wig while you’re driving, though, so you can gesture with abandon.
[I have to say, I lose respect for people who don’t know how to use a 4 way stop, and I get very judge-y about everything they say/do afterward. Start in the hole and try and dig out. NOT going to happen, bitches.]
iVillage didn’t appreciate my video from the bathroom, either. Assholes.
If you get up at 5:30am to take pictures on Friday…well you clearly need more wine in your life.
Hmmm, that made sense in my head.
I beg of you, please youtube your video…
Considering the shit that is on the Today Show I am guessing you were too smart for them.
And your husband will feel really bad when he has to call you “stumpy.”
Wendi, your writing is why life was created on this planet.
Well, that and wine.
Definitely using ‘bitch gonna holla’ on facebook as I holla at my bitches. Word, sistah. I think I can pull it off without a hitch.
Thanks for the laugh, yo.
I’m throwing out the Febreze just in case.
#5 is the story of my life. And it doesn’t help that I have flaming red hair that can’t be missed. I always get caught.
Regarding #3 – Collect all and have made into a coffee table book titled “Sybil-ish Musings on a Scratch Pad”. Blow off the Today Show when they call.
I think the clue to number three is in the last line :p
I’ve got Cornyn on speed dial so I’ll add your request to the top of the list after my other daily rants. He’ll be refreshed to hear some diversity in my tirade. Missed your musings on Twitter. Glad you’re back!
Wendi!! Don’t give away the left shoes! SAVE them! You’ll need them for your new fake leg. Can’t be having it barefoot!
Whenever I would complain that something hurt because what I was doing, my mother would say, “well, stop doing that.” You could always take off the running board.
Now I know where to find you on Twitter. I’m hopeless at the thing.
Now I see how a break from Twitter can really increase my productivity!
Oh my sweet Beyonce1Fan,
Sorry to identify with the husband on this one, but all of my productions are Alan Smithee.
“Alan Smithee was an official pseudonym used by film directors who wish to disown a project, coined in 1968.” (Wikipedia)
Who knew? (Sure as hell not me, which is why I looked it up. Gotta love Google!)
I like how you get me into Twitter and then go into exile for “less distractions in your life.” Am I to read here that I needed MORE distractions in my life? BTW, I totally want to move to Austin in which case we’d move to the same school district and you and I can take over the PTA. National Barry Manilow Day is first on the agenda (the kids of course won’t have off, that would be more work for us.)
I wanna move to Texas, all the funny beyotches are there…
bitch gonna holla!
love , beyonce2fan
Was that a list of post ideas? Or maybe a bucket list? Who DOESN’T have a banana stand on theirs…?
why is it the people we flip off or call assholes always end up going the same place we are?
My dear, Wendi…I’d say step away from the wine, but as a mother of 3 I totally understand the need for it! Your post makes me giggle…
Seriously Wendi you do need your own show! I think Texas really shouldn’t worry about how tinted your windows are, that’s just another way to keep from frying to death in the summer. Or at least that’s what I would go with. And trust me ladies when I say you don’t want to move to Texas. (I can say this since I grew up there and only left last year.) There are 2 seasons: not tolerable also known as hot as hell summer and tolerable also known as anytime that is not hot as hell summer! But I have to admit that at times I do miss it, but not during the summer!
Ok Wendi,
I can help a sista out:
1. Banana Stand, well clearly this is just a functional needed kitchen item, because where else will one put bananas?
2. Bitch gonna holla, obviously you had someone you needed to call that you hadn’t talked to in awhile, perhaps, Missy Elliot?
3. Rotary snack attack, you were day dreaming of twinkies and little debbies being stacked up in a pile on one of those lazy susans and it was going round and round…ok maybe that’s my fantasy.
4. Proud mary v layla = Chernobyl, here you were pondering the biz idea of having layla ali start a singing career by bringing back John Fogerty’s greatest hit, it would totally be da bomb, yo
5. My thighs ate Toledo, here you were just being rude since I’m convinced by “my thighs” you mean “Tonya’s thighs” and that’s just not nice cuz I try really hard not to eat donuts but their evil bastards that get me everytime.
6. Febreeze/calling CDC, well, this is just common sense, and I think it probably does that as well as, most likely, cause that bruise on your leg and the CDC must be informed.
7. Tues 5:30am take pics, If I know one thing it’s that Hustler magazine likes to take their photos bright and early so I’m pretty sure this was a reminder to get your ass to their studio on time
8. I love da Wine, this was definitely written after coming home from the Hustler photo shoot. Everyone knows that Larry Flynt likes his bubbly a little too much so I’m sure you just had way too much to drink.
See, problems solved. No meds necessary. You’re welcome.
Just take more wine until you think it does like you.
I really tried to crack the notes — I’ve been an amateur cryppie for a long time — but I’m a little hopped on Vicodin right now because my left knee is in very bad shape. I know why, too — one too many hits with the playground asphalt; one too many long masses, with me on my knees; one too many other occasions on my knees (wait; scratch that; TMI).
As for the four-way stop, we have that little problem in La-La Land, out here on the Left Coast, and I want to learn to drive a tank. A real one, with tracks and a rather large gun.
Maybe #6 is what – I Love da Wine, but da Wine, she no love me is all about.
Not being able to tint your windows is just a crime against humanity.
So what’s a rotary snack attack? Does this mean you have nuts and cookies and stuff on a big wheel that you spin and wherever the pin stops the wheel, that’s the snack you have? I totally want that.
Love,
Alan Smithee
P.S. This is why your thighs ate Toledo. Tip: start putting cheese and lunch meat on the snack wheel.
Just to be clear…your *cat* didn’t get the Today Show gig, did he/she?
‘Cause you know you’d never hear the end of *that* around the house.
🙂 A.
“There’s always money in the banana stand.”
I cannot believe how funny you are. I have just wasted almost my whole work day to laugh at your musings….
Love it!!!
When we moved from NYC to NJ, we had to de-pimp our auto and have the tinting removed. It felt like having a layer of coolness removed…and I’m running really thin on those.
I love that Marinka had to change your password to keep you off Twitter. That’s like how my husband has to put leftover brownies in the trash and then pour something inedible on top of it so I don’t dig it out.
And you’re the #2 Beyonce fan.
Reading #5 made me laugh out loud that I think I peed a little.
Okay, maybe a lot.
If there’s one thing I know, it’s that I would like to hear the voice of woman in a Kate Gosselin wig. Stupid Today Show.
Don’t regret the left shoes to charity. A lot of peg-legged, impoverished pirates are reaping the benefit.
Please write the post linking Layla and Proud Mary to Chernobyl. I beg you.
Thanx for stopping by the blog today, always a relief to know that someone is reading it (my parents won’t, I mentioned penis once and that was that) You seriously can’t tint your windows in TX? Wish more people did it in FL, frightens the life out of you when you pull up next to some of these Botox babes. You can do anything you want to your windows in England, so it keeps the weapons nicely hidden for the bad guys. Its illegal for the cops to carry guns there, so the bad guys/blokes are comfortable with the whole being bad thing, since they are hiding in the dark … and at best, a bobby is going to smack them with a stick that closely resembles a vibrator …
btw, I am a twit at Twitter, I should be put in exile, does Marinka want to be my friend too, she would be doing everyone a service 🙂
And here I was worried about my biggest regret last week, which by the way was not enabling the parental control on our TV/cable hookup. Especially after I caught my 8 year old peeing outside our house and yelling “Look mom! Just like Jimmy Duggan in that movie about girls playing baseball”. And then my 7 year old says “mom, you’re more pretty than those cheerleaders in the Dodgeball movie. Not as skinny, but prettier.” Somehow, your list gives me a small measure of comfort.
I don’t get the four way stop. What happens if everybody gets to the intersection at the same time? I mean, people here can’t figure out a regular 2-way stop…