Question 1:
I will soon be visiting Wyomissing, Pennsylvania, aka the hometown of Kate Gosselin and her 275 1/2 children. While I’m there, is it a good idea to wear my Kate G Halloween wig (classic edition) around town? You know, just to incite the paparazzi and ultimately land my own reality TV show Gurl’s Gone Gosselin?
Or should I instead take my husband’s advice and “not rain shame upon our family”?
Question 2:
After Pennsylvania, I will be headed to NYC where I’m staying in a place arranged by my friend Marinka. However, based on a few things she’s rather gleefully mentioned, I now strongly suspect that the room isn’t actually a “Pied-a-Terre” and is more of a “Federal Witness Protection Safe House.”
Therefore, although she’s advised me to keep the blinds shut and promises to make sure I look like a size 4 in my chalk outline, should I trust her or instead book the boiler room at the Queens YMCA where the only danger I face is mutated sewer rats?
Question 3:
Despite spending thousands of dollars on water and non-pesticide-ish lawn care, we just received a letter from our Homeowner’s Association saying that our dying lawn is a disgrace to the neighborhood and we need to take care of it ASAP. Yep. Even though it’s now August. In Texas. AND NOTHING HOLY IS SUPPOSED TO BE ALIVE.
So tell me, should my dignified response to the HOA be a three page detailed letter explaining my case? Or would two choice words scrawled on a piece of paper in serial killer handwriting, then attached to a flying brick, be sufficient?
Question 4:
Through some huge error in judgment, I have recently been put in charge of the school’s upcoming slide show. However, upon review of my iPod music library, it would seem that most of the lyrics to the songs I own are slightly inappropriate for children ages K-5. (Personal note to Mr. Rick James: What is WRONG with you? Seriously. Not everything rhymes with “pussy,” you sicko.)
Therefore, would it be okay to make the school slide show an All Manilow Event, or do I instead have to suck it up and purchase “popular” music? And if so, how does one find such a thing? Do I have to Google a Bieber?
Question 5:
Sandra Bullock is now living part-time in Austin. If I want to be her new BFF, should I: A) Adopt an African-American football player B) Take down my “MissCongenialitySucksBalls.com” website or C) Sign a notarized document promising to never, ever get a neck tattoo and/or “go for a ride on Jesse James’ hog.” Or D) All of the above, baby. All…of…the…above.
Well, I think that’s it. Thanks for reading, and if you could all let me know your answers just as soon as possible, I’d really, really appreciate it.
I obviously need the help.
Eeeee, I don’t think I can give an unbiased answer to the HOA question because our lawn (in Ohio… where is has been over 100 with the heat index for three days straight, but I’m sure is still nothing like Texas) is resembling some sort of post-apocalyptic wasteland and thank GOD we don’t have a HOA or we’d be in all sorts of trouble (starting with our blatant love for Barack Obama next to our neighbor’s “Don’t Tread on Me” flag.)
I think I might be leaning more towards the serial killer-esque scrawling…
Answer 1: forgo the wig but only because it’s too hot for wigs. If it was winter, my answer might be different.
Answer 2: I honestly don’t know the answer to this one. The Queens YMCA is NICE (more cockroachy than ratty), but a size four in a chalk outline – that’s tempting.
Answer 3: Really? I think the answer is obvious.
Answer 4: My hub and I have dance parties in the car and we have to have a theme and guess the theme. On our last family car trip I had the dance party and he guessed that the theme was “inappropriate for our children who are sitting in the back seat” I could send you that play list if you want.
Answer 5:I think the best way to get her attention would be to have “Jesse James is a giant dildo” tattooed on your forehead.
Good luck and you’re welcome.
Ok, here goes:
1. While it is tempting to rain shame [love that, by the way], you do not want to be on a reality show, because then you have the typhoon of shame and there is no coming back from that. So wear the wig only to special events.
2. Safe House, all the way.
3. So glad I don’t have a HOA, so I go with brick.
4. PLEASE do the all Manilow event. PLEASE.
5. Whatever it takes, and then take me with you. LOVE HER.
Question 3:
I can see why they are concerned. Dead grass is a serous problem in any neighbourhood. everyone knows dead grass is the course of teen pregnancy, drug abuse, joy riding, murder, famine and twilight fans.
You better deal with it quickly otherwise you’ll wake up to find a group of drugged upped, pregnant teen twilight fans on your lawn.
1. Wig totally. And you should carry 30 Cabbage Patch Kids with you at all times, or stick them all on those child-leashes and drag them behind you.
2. Rats are vile – take your chances at the safe house. A size 4 chalk outline would be an early heaven.
3. Preaching to the choir. Our HOA said the same thing (in Round Rock). The problem would be to catch that little piss-ant HOA worker’s truck without him/her spotting you. And you’d have to hurl the brick at a moving target. My suggestion would be to wait them out on the front lawn with a sniper rifle. Maybe torch some of the grass to make it REALLY good and dead to lure them into your web.
4. Buy one Bieber song from iTunes and play it on repeat. The kids will love it and all the parents’ ears will start bleeding. Be sure to take a camera for the yearbook photos.
5. All of the above, but be sure to find the most depressing site of a dog and adopt that too. She’s a sucker for pitiful dogs. She has one with only two legs – try to find one with only ONE leg and you should be set. Good luck!!
Question 1. Please skip the classic Kate and do the DWTS Kate. Sport red dress and have husband dress up as your partner. He can carry boom box playing a muzak version of “Paparazzi” while you bitch at him.
Question 2. Faux-a-terre. We just found a dead mouse in our attic. It is now polluting our garbage can to the point that you may likely smell it in your part of Austin. Avoid the YMCA and mutated rats.
Question 3. Write a Dear Asshole note. HOA board members are usually ancient and forget to bring their reading glasses. Hell, they may fall asleep while reading it.
Question 4. My suggestion after having done several class DVD slide shows: Kidz Bop. They’ll think you’re uber cool, right?
Question 5: Skip Sandra and proceed directly to M. McConaughey. although I hear he’s seriously skanky, from someone who went to college with him.
re: #2, be brave, see what Marinka hath wrought. Keep your phone charged and call me ASAP if you need to be airlifted out. I’m only in Brooklyn, close enough for a quick rescue.
You are so funny. I HATE HOAs so I’d say send them a two word response…then staple an addendum to it outlining what you’ve done. Because as much as I hate those people, they can make your life miserable if they so choose. Bastards!
I think that it’s very, very important that you do wear your Gosslin wig. Very.
Yes.
Option 1. And wear the wig. Size 4 outline with the wig would be amazing.
Option 2.
Don’t even try to lie, you know what a Bieber is and probably know some lyrics. Man up and buy some.
D, of course. But do it all in the Gosselin wig.
First, Wyomissing? As in Wyoming is missing and you’ll find it in Pennsylvania? Indulging those thiefs could be raining shame on your family. Rethink your itinerary, dude.
Second, go for the gusto, man. Leave the blinds open, re-enact the scene right before the need for a chalk line, and laugh your ass off. Pretending you are the opener for CSI would be some kind of fun.
Third, which two words were you referring to? a) Eff you; b) Suck it; or c) Make me.
Fourth, get a recording of Tom Jones’ “Pussycat” and all the kids will love it and you can still give a nod to Rick James for the idea. Do not, under any circumstances, Google a Bieber. That’s just gross.
Fifth, if you want to be Sandra’s new BFF, just go spend a lot of money at her local restaurants. Bess Bistro is da bomb. And probably you should cover up your tatts.
1. ALWAYS opt for raining shame upon the family…It is a benefit and if you don’t use it, it doesn’t carry over from year to year….and eventually they become used to it, so enjoy it while it lasts.
2. I hear sewer rats are all the rage now in purse carry-along types.
3. Brick…paste cut out letters from magazines first for arts and crafts time with the kids. Have them write hearts and xxoo too.
4. Schoolhouse rock.
5. C.
I must assume that in fearing “shame raining on your family”, your husband has never actually met you guys.
And I would advise adopting an african-american football player before you come to New York. And bringing him and his friends with you.
1. Go for the wig. The raining shame on your family ship already sailed with your Fanilow thing.
2. Either choice is fine. Just don’t stay AT Marinka’s or she will make you vacuum again.
3. Take a tip from my high school football team and burn the Blue Oyster Cult insignia into your lawn. Don’t Fear the Reaper, baby.
4. Two words: My Humps
5. Face tattoo of Sandra, obviously.
Only one answer, sorry: The lawn.
Approach someone on the HOA and explain quietly, that you so worship their lawn, and you’re so in awe of how they manage to keep it so well, and could they please come round and show you what they do, but they have to keep it quiet as you wouldn’t want everyone else to know that you thought their lawn the nicest.
And the week after, approach someone else, then someone else, and so on… free lawn care and a fabulous lawn!
If you do the Manilow show – you will be asked to do it every year hereafter. You see – all are Manilow fans – just too cowardly to admit it.
1. Well, it’d be funnier for me, if you tried to get a reality show. I’d probably even watch it.
2. Go with whatever Marinka says. Marinka is all knowing. (What? She pays me well.)
3. Remind them that it’s effing August. In Texas. Dumbasses.
4. I’d like to second Lisa’s comment.
5. Um B. Yeah. B. That’s my final answer.
1. Wig baby!
2. Sewer rats.
3. Make sure it’s a really big brick.
4. AT THE COPA, COPA CABANANA!
5. All of the above.
this just cracked me up so thanks for that!
I say wear the wig. Your husband has OBVIOUSLY gone off his meds if he doesn’t remember the part in the wedding vows where it says ‘to shame the family ANY and in ALL WAYS’…
I’m too dead to answer anything. Except for Marinka and that Sandra Bullock person, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I think you always should do anything that rains shame on your family.
Ok, your questions only left me with more questions:
1. How could your husband turn down that kind of chance for you to create such a riveting and realistic television drama? Doesn’t he know America needs to see this??
2. Who requires more housework and/or heavy lifting – Marinka or the Y?
3. How, exactly, are you able to consolidate “Your green grass can suck it!!” into two words?
4. Does the court finalize your Bieber adoption before or after the slide show?
5. Why not just do the creepy online stalker thing – that’s how we became BFFs, right? Right???
I agree with Kelcey. RAIN SHAME.
And as far as Sandi goes–surely she blogs. You saw THE NET, right??
1. Gurl’s Gone Gosselin-all the way baby.
2. Trust Marinka-Would she lead you wrong?-Never!!
3. BRICK-ALWAYS for HOA’s.
4. When is Barry EVER WRONG?
5. I know where her house is – call me- we can make a water landing!!
Whatever you do, do not google a Bieber, I think you can be arrested for that. Just bring an airhorn or something for the innapropriate words. We have a nice lawn and our neighbors still hate us so screw them, go for the brick. And yes, wig, totally, a spectacular idea, except for the heat.
Get one of those lawn painting services that just come out and spray paint the lawn green. Tell the HOA it was either that or replace the lawn with astro-turf.
1. You don’t have enough kids to do the Kate thing. Maybe if you rented some.
2. Can’t hep ya there. I don’t leave Texas. Too busy doing #3.
3. You gotta do the soaker hose 24/7. Head outside at all hours in your PJs to move the hose. Even better, send the hubs in his underwear.
4. SmashMouth (All Star) and Black Eyed Peas (I Got A Feeling) and you’re good. Just loop it until the parents are glassy eyed and the kids are hyped.
5. The way to Sandra is through her kid. Jesse is history.
You’re welcome.
#1 – wig! I am sure your family will forgive you.
#2- safe house – so you can make more great movies of the new LG vacuumm. HILARIOUS! It was almost as awesome as your xtranormal movie. (But those actors can say anything in that monotone voice, and I’ll just laugh).
#3 The brick.
#4 That’s a tough one. Consult pandora.com
#5 B should be good enough, I think.
1 – Avoid the wig, all things Gosselin and the paparazzi. Stay at the Y.
2 – Wear the wig backwards,get mistaken for Lady Gaga, attract the paparazzi. Stay at the Y. Mutated sewer rats fear the Gaga.
3 – Brick, most definately. Scrawl your message on some obscure, (and untraceable), window glass repair firm before lobbing.
4 – If you’re even considering Rick James, (or never being asked to do this again), why not sink lower; Lil’ Wayne. Lower still; Cee Lo Green. His new song sensation that’s sweeping the nation is “F*** Y**”. Yes, really.
5 – Ya know, if she could blog anonymously, what being a new mother and all…
1. I think you should wear the wig as a merkin. Oh, wait, wrong blog..
2. I think you should dine at the Y. Oh, wait, again, wrong blog..
3. I think you should respond by writing a two word message in their lawn with round up.
4. Perhaps some Snoop Dogg might be good for the kiddos?
5. I think you should sign up for acting classes at the same studio she practices at.. oh, wait..
Good holy heck. With these problems it’s good uhave a vacuum that smooshes your debris into a hockey puck. Use your LG vacuum on the lawn while wearing Gosselin wig, steal her dance moves from Emmy Awards opener while you vacuum lawn, music courtesy of Manilow 8-tracks. film this for the slide show and then shop it to Bravo while you are here in NYC for the meeting you’ll get cuz Justin Bieber and Sandy Bullock are your BFFs. Once home, take lawn pucks and have your boys throw them on the HOA President’s lawn. Whew. Am now going to nap.
Ok, I had to stop reading the hysterical comments, so sorry if this is a repeat but I suggest you either spray paint your lawn green or buy a green tarp to drape realistically on it and tell them it’s astro turf. Is there still even an Astro Dome somewhere in that state?
Go to Wyomissing and write a Manilow-esque song to play during the slide show that will have embedded images of you in your various Kate wigs.
As for NY, I’m with the safe house idea, after all you will just have rained shame upon your family and they might be after you.
1. Definitely go for the wig… as my mom always tells me “Embarassing my children, just one more service I offer.”
2. The safe house could be fun… a new adventure?
3. Give them a lovely two word message with a brick. And maybe a one finger salute for good measure?
4. Now who really wants to do the slideshow thing in a family friendly way? Politically incorrect all the way, baby!!!
5. If she doesn’t want to be your bff, she’s got a screw too tight.
If I could be a size 4 anything anymore I might just go for it!
As to the HOA – a yard is definitely not meant to be green in this heat. I’m lucky my trees still live (and that we don’t have a HOA). I’d go for the 2 word response but I think I’d try to find the little bastard asleep in his truck sometime and maybe staple it to his forehead.
For Question 5, wear your Kate Gosselin wig for Sandra. I hear she’s a sucker for Kate Plus 8, therefore clearly instant BFF.
Fucking HOA. Tell them you’ve gone environmental and are SAVING WATER. Then tell them you plan on building a cactus castle around your house. Then tell them Plan B is to personally drain Edwards Aquifer to make sure your hybiscus look glorious. And that Plan C is to rain hell-fire upon the Lower Colorado River Association.
Tell ’em that. Lemme know how it goes.
I think you should buy a new costume of Jon Gossling and then no one will follow you.
Tell the nighborhood association you are going for a ecofriendly lawn which requires no watering.
Commit a small crime in NY and the state may put you up for the night.
You have enough friends you don’t need Sandra!
As far as the music I think you should use a pitched dog whistle and see what comes running!
1. Gurl’s Gone Gosseiln! Gurl’s Gone Gosseiln! That’s just a no brainer!
2. The Witness Protection Safe House. Most people have to suffer through years of dieting and exercise to achieve that size four figure. In this case, there’s no suffering necessary. If you’re sleeping, you won’t feel a thing.
3. Are you serious!? Go with brick! No, better still… go with two! One word scrawled on each. They’ll get the message mighty quick, and I’m sure any neighbors who received similar notification will lift you up on their shoulders and praise you as their queen… all the way to the court house.
4. I don’t know… have these people not seen Little Miss Sunshine and understand the power that Rick James has in bringing families together? Super Freak it up, bay-bee!
5. All of the above! Because that’s just what a committed BFF would do!
P.S. Great post! 🙂
Can’t you go blind if you google your bieber?
Absolute yes to the wig! What would be the point to go to PA and not wear the wig? Waste of time.
Screw the HOA. Who needs em?
I’d start the slide show with Copa and then you could hold out for Mandy for the big finale! The 5 and under set will love it! Not to mention the preteens.
If you totally become BFFs with Sandy, can you please ask her to introduce me to Ryan Reynolds? Thanks!
“You know, just to incite the paparazzi and ultimately land my own reality TV show Gurl’s Gone Gosselin?”
LOL!! Do it! It’s gotta be better than “Jersey Shore”! 😉
Love it! Per usual, you have cracked me up and made my day. I feel strongly that you should channel your inner Barry Manilow and add his music freely to the slide show. Purchasing music by anyone named Bieber or Gaga will leave you wanting to hit things.
And, I think leaving two choice words for the neighborhood group is the way to go. Serial killer handwriting optional.
If you brought in as much cash as Gosselin gets would he really care about the wig?
I liked Cassie’s suggestion of a two word message in round up on their lawn. What is it with these people?!? When we sold our house in Austin the new owner’s got a fine within 8 hours of signing the documents because they had the nerve to park their boat in the driveway. But a dog barking every freaking night for hours on end for 2 years got nothing. Actually, use round up and a long message. Screw just two measly words!
I’d go with some Lil’ Wayne or something equally in appropriate. That way you ensure you will never be asked to do something again.
As far as Sandra goes, try all of the above. It doesn’t hurt to try and cover all the bases!
The 2 word message better begin with the letter “f”…
If you kidnapped some of Kate’s children it might make a wonderful social experiment to see if the public would support you doing a public service.
I say play show tunes and permanently i.d. yourself as a freak. Take that Rick James! Oh, and by the way Prince is waaaaay racier than Rick.
Last time you were in NYC, didn’t you stay WITH Marinka? How bad of a houseguest WERE you for her to “arrange” another place for you? Does this have something with the All Manilow songlist?
Here in California, we wear our dead lawns with a sense of pride as we’re in a constant state of drought, and dead grass = caring, environmentally conscious and politically correct. Anyone with a verboten green lawn would be suspected of being (dare I say it?) a Republican.
I’m not sure I am qualified to answer your inquiries.
Have no human kids only fur ones so may not be qualified but Barry is heaven to some and hell to others. The Christmas I got the box set with the video I took to a family gahtering and played the video. My “baby” brother whom I adore said it should be used to torture prisoners. The Beiber and “Popular” stuff would torture ME. Tough call.
Q1 – I think you should listen to your hubby. I mean… he’s going to be there for you for a long time but with your own reality tv show..u might be a hard person to catch then 😀
Q2 – Safe House of course. I mean..you live for such thrills right
Q3 – You should tell them exactly how you feel. 2 choice words and a flying brick
Q4 – Go with the popular music unless you’re planning to move your sons out of the school to another school. Wait..unless they blacklisted you in all state schools…hmmm
Q5 – All the above
The answer to all of these, and really, to ALL questions to life is: Hoboken.