FADE IN:
INT. MY PARENTS’ HOUSE, NORTHERN NEVADA, TWO WEEKS AGO
It’s approximately 7 a.m. In one room, two boys happily watch “Pokemon” on TV and wrestle like hungry mountain men. In another room, the adults watch “The Today Show” and groggily make fun of the local weatherman.
Suddenly, WENDI (40ish, gorgeous in a just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-forgot-to-take-off-her-Breathright-Nasal-Strip kind of way) enters the adults’ room. She staggers into the kitchen, grabs a mug and sloppily pours herself some coffee. She then sits on the couch next to her DAD.
DAD: Good morning!
WENDI: Morning. Why’s the weather guy wearing a poncho?
DAD: We think he’s trying to hide his spare tire, but he might just be trying to be fashionable again.
WENDI: Oh. Well, it’s not working.
Wendi then looks down at the mug in her hand and lets out a loud GASP.
WENDI: What’s this thing? Where did you get this mug?
(Yep, that says The Chickenranch Brothel)
DAD: Just read the words on it. It says right there where I got it.
WENDI: ChickenRanchBrothel.com?
DAD: Yeah, they have a website now. Gotta keep up with the times!
WENDI: Oh, my God–why do you even have this?
DAD: It’s a nice color, don’t you think?
Wendi’s mother then enters the room.
MOM: Yes, it sure is nice and bright! I can always find it easily. Even in the winter.
DAD: Nice size, too. Gives you a really good serving of coffee.
WENDI: OK, OK, you two—please stop. We all agree it’s a wonderful mug, this mug that’s…FROM A BROTHEL. But may I ask how you got it? Exactly?
DAD: Well, we bought it when we were down near Vegas a couple of weeks ago.
WENDI: You just went in and …bought it? Just like that?
DAD: No, that’s ridiculous. I had to spend $100 first before they’d give me the mug.
MOM: Yes, he had to spend $100 first. They don’t just give it to you.
CUT TO:
Wendi in kitchen looking frantically for Scotch to pour into her Chicken Ranch mug. Not finding any, she reluctantly returns to questioning her parents.
WENDI: Listen, I really, really don’t want to even say this, but WHAT did you spend the $100 on? Or was the mug like a, oh my God, oh my God, a gift with purchase?
MOM: Oh, now that’s funny! They really should do that, shouldn’t they? Give away a mug to their customers? I bet they’d all like that. Now, Wendi, do you know why they call it the Chicken Ranch?
WENDI: (long pause) Because lots of things get laid there?
MOM: No, but good guess!
DAD: Yes, that was a good guess. Good guess!
MOM: It’s because way back when, customers used to pay for the ladies’ services with chickens instead of money. Isn’t that funny?
WENDI: No, not really.
MOM: I think you might have got more “services” if you had a rooster as payment, but I’m not sure if that’s true or not…
WENDI: Yeah, we’ll have to check with PBS on that one. Maybe call up the state University.
DAD: Now come on, this is a little bit of Nevada history right here! It’s not all just about Mark Twain, you know. Jeezus, does the weather guy have to wear that suit every day?
MOM: I think he does! Purple’s not his color, poor thing.
CUT TO:
A pale Wendi in the other room watching “Pokemon.”
CUT TO:
An agitated Wendi considering her options.
CUT TO:
Wendi’s parents finally telling her (six long hours later) that the the mug was actually bought at a charity auction for $100. An auction that was held nowhere near the Chicken Ranch, thank you very much, why would you even THINK that?
CUT TO:
The next morning, Wendi plays it safe and wisely decides to drink her coffee out of a mug with kittens on it.
DAD: Good morning! Kittens today, huh? By the way, do you know how the Cathouse got it’s name?
AND…SCENE.
It’s tough to think of your parents doing what they did to get you, then they get old and you just start worrying about whatever they might be doing and should you bring in help to watch them.
Make them matching tshirts…We spent $100 for charity and all we got is this FABulous cup!
Is it wrong of me to love that your parents let you twist in the wind for several hours before telling you how they really got the mug?
Love it. I grabbed a mug at my parents house with all these cute elephants playing…suddenly I noticed that they were, uh, in somewhat compromising positions. It might have been just my dirty mind or the crudely erotic figures on my parents table they’d brought back from Mexico (thought it would be funny if they displayed them with the hummel they got as a gift). I never did figure out if that mug was really R rated or not.
That’s hilarious!! Your parents have a wicked sense of humor!! (But I would expect nothing less since you are their daughter).
It could have been worse. It could have been a mug from Celine Dion’s show.
That is worth 3 Tony awards!! OMG! Hilarious!
I like your parents. Can we trade?
Oh, and I TOTALLY agree with Libby: Celine Dion waaaayyy worse than a brothel mug.
Who needs legally addictive stimulants in a mug when you get this kind of early morning repetoire? What an eye-opener!
That’s just awesome. More parents should be this cruel to their adult children.
Not only that–those are midget legs.
Your parents have a great seance of humour. That story made my morning 😀
I love your parents. And that explains a whole lot…
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by PRGraffiti, Wendi Aarons. Wendi Aarons said: The dangers of drinking coffee at my parents' house–new post! http://tinyurl.com/2dvqh4l […]
OMG I am dying laughing!!
Now I know that I got the wrong parents by mistake. Clearly, I was the Wendi they were meant to bring home. But you beat me to them. Would they adopt me?
I love your parents. Can I borrow them for my next family get together?
What great parents you have! Just think – when your kids are all grown up, you get to pull these kinds of stunts on them! And you do know that your parents are just paying you back for those teenage years, right?
LOLOLOL. Love this and it does explain a lot!
Another absolutely hysterical classic! And Libby and Tonya are so right.
My kids will never have to ask me what I did to get my brothel mug, as I’m taking them with me. Somebody has to take pictures and drive me home.
Yes, that was a good guess. Good guess!
Nice that they stayed supportive and encouraging through out the ordeal.
I laughed out loud.
Oh my god, that is so something my parents would do. In fact, when I have kids that are grown and staying over, I might just have to do it to them because that? Right there. That is priceless.
Sweet. Baby. Jesus. That was damn funny. Your parents sound as crazy as mine. And honestly, $100 FOR A MUG FROM A BROTHEL? It was in pesos, right?
This post about the gene pool from which you were spawned explains quite a bit about you.
I just enjoy the hell out of the fact that your parents have a sense of humor. My parents would be too afraid of what “others might think” to even attempt it as a joke.
I cannot believe that they would yank your chain like that.
You must just be an easy target. Still, that’s alright, cuz it made for a great post!!
Loved this!
So that’s where you got your sense of humor! Truly awesome. Way to to, crazy parents!
Sometimes I think our parents are just screwing with us to get back at us…other times, I wonder what’s really going on in their seedy little lives.
Um, not your parents though.
Neither of my parents could have held onto that tidbit for 6 whole hours or even been able to be straight-faced in egging you on! I want them. May I have them when you’re not using them?
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Okay so in all seriousness? That’s an awesome mug and so I just went to the website and yes, indeedy they sell them for 8.95. I bought one!!! Just now. You should get a percentage.
I would tell those parents of yours “Game On!” Just THINK of all the goodies you can give them for Christmas this year. Thank god we have the Internet for moments like this.
Hooker mug=$100
Scaring the shit out of your daughter first thing in the morning=Priceless
LOL
Your parents are high-larious. I see where you get your sense of humor!
Visits to brothels would definitely make the list of “things I DON’T want to picture my parents doing.” Hope this particular association doesn’t ruin any Dolly Parton music enjoyment. Of course she and Burt Reynolds really did make whore houses seem like campy good fun for the whole family. So maybe you should just loosen up a little…
You’ve got to love the parents as they get older. I had a feeling the story would sort itself out. I think they just like to scare the bejeezus out of us for the fun of it.