1. In a burst of Summer Fun! inspiration, buy pack of 50 awesome water balloons for $2.
2. Go home and try to fill balloons at kitchen sink with patented “water balloon nozzle.”
3. Quickly find out kitchen faucet is too big; move to master bathroom.
4. Quickly find out master bathroom faucet is too big; move to kid bathroom.
5. Quickly find out kid bathroom faucet is too big, and also covered in 10 inches of Crest toothpaste; move to couch and sulk.
6. Strongly suspect that water balloon manufacturer is trying to f*ck with you.
7. Roll around in empty water balloons and mentally compose evil letter to CEO of FunYak, Inc. Include lots of threats learned from hard core rap songs overheard at carwash.
8. Get stuck on word that rhymes with “ass-a-hole casserole.”
9. Forget writing letter. Stand up and head outside to find stupid garden hose.
10. Spend 10 minutes unkinking stupid garden hose that has somehow turned itself into a handwoven muffin basket over the winter.
13. Realize toddler in next yard overheard curse. Wave and tell him your name is “Temporary Nanny.”
14. Finally get stupid garden hose to work and attach patented “water balloon nozzle.” Hallelujah, the cheap bastard finally fits something. Rejoice and take back half the nasty things you said about CEO of FunYak, Inc. (But only half.)
15. Start pumping the damn balloons full of water as fast as your slippery, little hands will allow. Pink ones, blue ones, green ones—those babies are nothing but suspicious evildoers and you’re a disgruntled CIA officer with a 24-hour waterboard and an axe to grind. There will be NO deflated balloons on your watch, brother. No effin’ way.
16. While trying to tie 40th balloon, chaos ensues when finger gets stuck and quickly turns purple and loses all feeling. Sloppily cry and wonder if health insurance covers mutilation by latex.
17. Continue to fill balloons until pants are soaked and waterproof mascara drips onto neck. It’s been over two hours, but the Summer Fun! weapons cache is finally done. Sit back and admire floating rubber arsenal, then yell for boys to come outside.
18. As boys excitedly grab water balloons and launch them at passing motorists and old people on bikes, head into house and anticipate all of the free time you’ll now have.
19. For one point five seconds.
20. Spend rest of afternoon picking up mess, apologizing to neighbors and repeatedly scrubbing hands to remove patented “balloon stench.” Later, while relaxing with glass of wine on couch, husband leans over and asks why you smell like a drunk birthday party clown. Finally understand why Bozo cries on the inside.
21. Go to bed at last and dream about next Summer Fun! activity. Which hopefully includes a DVD, a blanket and a $2 an hour babysitter.
And if you’re lucky, not a single damn thing that needs to be filled up with water.