Question: What’s the worst part about leaving this?
Is it the three suitcases full of smelly, sandy beach clothes that need to be washed before something lays eggs in them?
Is it the discovery that the 15 bottles of coconut shampoo you pilfered from the hotel somehow exploded in transit and now all of your bras smell like day old Pina Colada?
Maybe it’s the three pounds of volcanic rock that fell out of your sons’ pockets and almost voided the warranty on your new washing machine?
Or is the worst part about coming home a refrigerator that contains nothing except a big bag of Flax and a tub of Greek yogurt?
And the fact that, due to the limited amount of food, the boys had to buy lunch at school today, leading to the following 7 a.m. conversation:
BUT I DON’T WANT TO BUY LUNCH AT SCHOOL TODAY! IT’S MEXICAN DELIGHT DAY!
Oh, stop it. You like Mexican food.
BUT THE MEXICAN FOOD AT THE CAFETERIA TASTES LIKE WORM FARTS!
How do you know? Have you ever tasted worm farts?
YES! AND THEY TASTE EXACTLY LIKE THE ENCHILADAS IN THE CAFETERIA! ONLY WITHOUT THE CHEESE! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY WHEN I END UP IN THE NURSE’S OFFICE WITH A TUMMY ACHE FROM EATING MEXICAN WORM FARTS! I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY, LADY!
No, although any and all of these things would be a good enough reason to just sit in the closet and sob while rubbing macadamia nuts all over myself and humming “Tiny Bubbles” until I pass out, the worst part about coming home from vacation is this:
The jackass cat.
Oh, sure, Miss Dickens may look cute and innocent and sweet and all, but it would seem that she’s just a tad upset about being left alone with a cat sitter for a week. I know this because ever since we walked into the house, she’s made this noise:
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
She made it at 10 p.m., she made it at 11 p.m., and she made it at 3 a.m. right into my ear causing me to almost have a heart attack because I thought our house had been hit by a SCUD missile.
To help her feel better, I’ve given her extra food, extra water, and lots and lots of petting. I have even offered to let her sleep on my neck like an incontinent mink stole, but she still won’t calm down. Basically, like every time we return from a trip, she’ll be a pissed off 17 1/2 year old cat for about a week. And she’ll tell us all about it. All. Frickin. Day. Long.
She’s so upset that she didn’t even cheer up when I let her watch The Real Housewives of New York with me, and she usually loves that show because of all the nasty cat fights in it. (Do I need a rimshot for that one? I think I might.)
Anyway, since Miss Dickens is basically the feline version of a keening Italian widow, today I’m going to rename her “Miss Kitty Corleone” and make her wear a little, black shawl around the house while she’s yowling her head off. I think she’ll like that.
Or maybe I’ll just lock her in the playroom and take a really long nap with my bras.
That is one cute “incontinent mink stole.”
Vengeful but cute.
Aloha ha.
Hey…I think I have Miss. Dickens equally evil sister, 16 yr old Nala. She reacts the same way when I go away for more than a day. She also likes to sneak attack me from behind and bite the back of my ankles *just* hard enough to make me holler. It is a very fun game. Loads. My son practally wets his pants laughing when she does it to me. Me? Not so much. Damn cat.
We used to get very very sad eyes. It’s worse than the bitching (ahaha). It’s the Polish Silent Treatment. I still feel guilty about all those trips, and Erik has passed away already more than a year ago.
LOL! I’m on the other end – I often watch our neighbor’s cat when they go on vacation. He has learned that I’m the giver of attention, food and treats! He yowls and yowls at them when they get back, but if I walk into their house (any time) he’s right there in my lap! 🙂 I’m the only outside person he does that to, and I love it!
I swear that if cats could use telephones and put out hits half of the population would be dead.
Dear Wendi, sorry about the pissed off cat, and the worm farts. But at least you have RHNY and bras that make you think of pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.
Freakin’ cats. I had one named Ned that lived to be 16. long. years. old.
When I traveled for work on little one or two night trips, Ned would punish me by spending his time left alone in my small Boston apartment ripping his hair in clumps out with his teeth.
Coming home to that? Awesome.
No cats here so I’m living vicariously through your pain…very far away from all the noise.
My mom’s cat used to punish her for going away, too.
Our cat barely acknowledged our presence.
Your cat is 17 1/2 years old? Oh God. That means I’m stuck with my 13 year old cat for a while longer. The one who pees under the sofa when her water dish runs out, just to be spiteful.
After reading all of these vacation posts, I’m thinking all of your unmentionables smell of pina coloda. Or Mai Tais.
Cats are AWESOME!!! I wish I could get one…but ONLY if its black with either green or blue eyes. No, I’m NOT a witch…what I am starts with a B. But yeah, I feel for you on the 3AM yeowling in your ear – NOT nice kitty!
I love cats but I know the behaviour you described. I’ve never owned a cat myself but I had a flatmate that did. The cat seemed to become quite attached to me because not only would she sleep in my room all the time but she also acted the same when ever I came back from holiday… even though her owner was there the hole damn time!
I a little worried about that volcanic rock curse thing they preach up and down in HI. Perhaps that is what the kitty is trying to warn you about…
My cat adored my roommate so much that, when she went away on vacation, he would yowl forlornly the entire time. Sometimes he would come into my bedroom at 3 AM and yowl. I’d say “Baby, I’m right here” and he’d look at me and say “You are not the one I seek. You go now.” He was quite neurotic and would wait anxiously at the door for us to come home so he could chide us for being gone.
We got a kitten about two years ago and she has really mellowed him out. Apparently he needed company. He still spends more time with my roommate than me but I do get the occasional bit of affection.
Our current cat doesn’t seem to mind when we leave, but our old cat would pee in the hallway a foot away from his litter box just to spite us. He did it every time we left for more than 2 days. It didn’t matter if we kept him inside, outside, or even when we had a doggy door installed and he could go where ever he felt like whenever he felt like. Pet sitter and all. After replacing the hallway carpet a few times we opted for tile and he finally stopped as if he knew our punishment would last a few minutes and not days since it couldn’t soak into the tile.
Exploding shampoo bottles would be one of my biggest travel fears. I wrap my own toiletries like fine china when we fly. Note to self – buy bubble wrap next time I’m at Target…
As for a crying cat…I’ve managed to block out the stereo sound of crying twins for a few years now, so I think I could handle a week of that.
Gee, I wonder where your son gets his grasp of the dramatic? 🙂 I almost cried when I had to come home from my Hawaiian vacation. I still have some of the awesome plumeria scented shampoo and conditioner from the hotel. I ration it severely. Luckily I’m going back in December though!
Goodness, even Miss Dickens is melodramatic! I agree, she needs a nice black shawl. Lace if you have it. And a big black bag half the size of her body containing everything but the kitchen sink.
Ummm, I’m going to enroll mine in the KRP (kitty relocation program). That bastard meowed at me one too many early mornings and I am DONE!
As a hotel employee, I am offended at your shampoo theft.
As a redblooded female American, I’m proud of your frugal scrounging 😉
I’m laughing my butt off here over the cat incident. That’s my life here. Coco hates EVERYONE but me, so anytime I’m gone overnight, I get the cat ATTACHED to me for DAYS afterward. Could be worse. My BIL’s cat used to pee on stuff when she got mad….
I vote you lock the cat up and take a nap. Sounds like you deserve it.
better screaming than peeing/pooping on your bed. mine did that one time, nightmare…
I had a giant 22 lbs. main coon cat named Leo who would yell at me when I went away for the weekend.
I miss him.
(Sniff)
I just know we own Miss Dickens’ BFF! We should let the two ole’ felines reconnect! Of course, they probably lost touch because of a cat fight they had over some Tom from their younger years…
Welcome back. It could be worse, you could be coming back from Mexico with a ki of yeyo and nobody to sell it to and the requisite case of Montezuma’s revenge. . . Or so I’ve heard.
I bet he’s right about the enchiladas.
Molo kaliki Maka.
I read your blog. I read Marinka’s blog. Yet I still don’t understand why people own cats.
I so needed this.
Why DO people have cats????
I just don’t get it.
I’m sure my brother-in-law would trade you his new Chihuahua puppy named Chewie(B.A.R.F.) for your feline noise-maker. Seems he has to bathe the little monster every morning when he wakes up as Chewie poops all over his crate and then apparently thinks said discharge should be smeared on and rubbed in deep as some sort of Mary Kayesque doggie fur mask (au contraire!). Chewie also refuses to use the outdoor facilities when nature calls and has made (per my husband) “one hell of a freaking stinking mess” of his brother’s house. My sister-in-law thinks Chewie’s “antics” are so cute. I will be there suffering through…er…enjoying a family get together this weekend – let me know if a Chewie/Dickens swap is a consideration.
“Miss Kitty Corleone” – that is awesome! I can’t believe the RHNYC didn’t cheer her up!
My husband and I went on a trip for our first anniversary… with his parents. Don’t get me started on that. Anyway when we got back to his parents house their 18 yr old cat had given them a homecoming gift. Bright orange kitty vomit in various locations around the house which the catsitter tracked all over as well and did not clean up. I love that cat.
Re-entry is a bitch. Coming home from a vacation, particularly a long one almost makes going away not worth it. My cat is not quite as bad but he too acts like a co-dependent crack whore. Instead of just wanting his wet food once a day, he pesters me non stop for it until he decides he has tortured me enough.
Ms Dickens is so cute 🙂 welcome back lady
As I read your post, I howled all the way through…and as I type this comment, I’m still giggling. I can fully relate to the letdown of returning from a Hawaiian vacay, as well as the ensuing feline drama.
I used to travel a lot for work (alas, not to HI) and I had to put out a “special” bathmat so that my elder cat, Sprint, could “violate” it (i.e. take a big steaming dump on it to express her displeasure at my absence).
Cats…they are tiny aliens with fur…but we love them!
Thanks for such a great blogpost!