As of today, my boys have only 5 1/2 days of school left before summer vacation. And, as usual, they’ve decided to go out with a bang.
Last year, right before his preschool career ended, Jack insisted on taking the backpack he got at a minor league baseball game to his classroom. I wasn’t sure what was inside it, exactly, but when I picked him up, I found out he’d been carrying around this all day:
Luckily, they still let him graduate.
Then yesterday he came home from kindergarten and happily told me that he’d had a private picnic lunch with his teacher as a reward for something he’d done in class. “That’s so great, Jack!” I said. “What’d you talk about?”
“Well, not so much,” he answered. Then he pointed to a scab on his knee that he got a few weeks ago from falling down in the playroom. “Oh, yeah! I did tell my teacher that I got this owie on my leg from a rat bite. So that was pretty cool!”
“A RAT BITE?”
“Yeah. I’ve been telling lots of people at school that I have rat bites and guess what? They believe me!”
So now in addition to being stigmatized as a domestic beer drinker, people think that Jack lives in a 1920’s tenement building akin to something you’d find in Angela’s Ashes. I keep peering out the window expecting to see the Sisters of Mercy show up with some hot soup and a few rounds of tetanus shots to save our souls.
Meanwhile Sam’s been busy trying to be the best reader in the Second Grade. Last night when I went to check on him, I found him illegally reading under his covers with a Pokemon flashlight. “Wait, mommy!” he yelled as I pulled his book away, “I have to get the most reading minutes in before the end of the year so I win the prize!”
“But you’re already in first place with 9,000 minutes,” I argued. “How many does the next person have?”
“Thomas is in second place with 4,000 minutes,” he said, “but there’s a chance he could catch up to me in the next few days because he’s a really fast reader. Especially after he drinks some of his mom’s Frappucheetos. So can I have my book back, please? I want to get to 10,000 by tomorrow afternoon.”
Of course Sam’s competitiveness comes as no surprise because this is the same kid who yanked out two of his own loose teeth on the last day of kindergarten so he’d be number one on the classroom’s “Who Lost the Most Teeth This Year?” chart. His big smile after achieving that rather dubious victory would have been whole a lot cuter if it wasn’t so filled with bloody tissues. But still, we were happy for him. We take what we can get around here.
The end of school is also a milestone for me this year because it means I will no longer be serving on the PTA board. Yes, everyone, after two long years of going to meetings, making nice, volunteering for various duties, and hiding out in a bathroom stall whenever they bring up the Gift Wrap sale, I’m finally going to be a free woman. Free, free, free. Oh, Lawdy, yes, indeed I’m free! So watch out, Austin—there’s going to be a new Suburban Wanker on the loose and word is she really likes cookies.
But while I have a few really good ideas on how I can go out with a bang, too, it pains me to confess that after all of these 5:30 a.m. bootcamps I’ve been doing, my school year will probably just end in a whimper.
And maybe, if I’m lucky, a little light snoring.
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In other news, I’m now on “friendship probation” with Marinka over at MotherhoodInNYC. It has something to do with our wonderful friend Kelcey of MamaBirdDiaries who just gave birth to twins as well as some issue she has with me forwarding her Barry Manilow’s emails. She’s so touchy.
You’re leaving your PTA board, and I’m joining mine. Balance has been restored to the universe.
Tell Sam that it’s mathematically impossible for anyone to catch him in 5.5 days. Take out the 7 hours for school, lose 8 hours for sleeping, and the most that 4,000 minute loser could gain if he does nothing else except read the rest of the time is 2,970 minutes. Piker wouldn’t even come close.
I hope I’ve brought some sunshine to your day and his. This certainly brightened mine!
Now Sam is my kind of kid!
When my sweet baby cousin was 8 I spent the summer with him and his family. My aunt and I decided it would be a fun suprise if the kids came in from school and found me in the living room. David came in, took one look and me, announced, “I need a drink!” and took the apple juice out of the fridge. After downing most of the bottle he came back with a bottle of vodka, offered it to my aunt and asked, “Do you want some, too?” These are precious end of school memories.
Gee. Thanks for reminding me that I am almost in summer purgatory. I hate you.
Koozies, rats and toothless smiles?
Sounds like my Husband’s idea of a great vacation. Have I told you he’s renting us an RV for a weeks “vacation”? Holy Griswald, I can think of nothing worse. Seriously.
Rat bites… that’s priceless! My son broke his leg when he was five and as a result has four nasty scars where he had an external fixator for several months. When he went to school in first grade and people saw his scars when he wore shorts, he told them he got shot. He’s 13 now and I think he still tells people that.
Your sons are hysterical. And slightly subversive. Just like you.
I should tell you that I too have put you on friendship probation. Only it’s “double secret probation” because I don’t actually know you. And I can’t tell you why, because…duh…it’s a double secret.
I have 9 days left. It would be less, but we lost most of January to snowstorms, which lengthened the school year by one week. Which does NOT make up for the three weeks I had everyone at home in January, but does anyone at the school district care? No, they do not. Cruel, heartless, monsters, all of them. And I’m losing tomorrow to chaperoning a field trip, too.
If you leave now, you can make it across the border before Obama’s troops get there. Tell the drug lords that Marinka’s family (aka Russian Mafia)are right behind you and I am sure they will put down their BB guns and carry your luggage across the Rio Grande. Good Luck!
I am just getting sucked into the PTA vortex as it is spitting you out.
Helllllllllllllllllllllllllllpppppppppp mmmeeeeeeeeeeee.
Interesting that the first part of the blog is about your sons’ wild stories (wink, wink) about rat bites, mouth full o’ blood, personal beer tumbler, and dark circles under the eyes from ‘reading’, and the second part is about how you’re no longer on the PTA board (and oddly, without any explanation of why you tenure was terminated). Anywhoo, have a great summer!
Have you thought about getting Sam involved in Keno?
I have quite a few things to say, and I sure hope the comment will actually go through, since I’ve been having trouble with the commenting system of many of my fav blogs. Anyhow.
1. The problem with schools today is that they’re just too competitive. Kid who lost most teeth? I mean – sheesh, man!
2. I still have 2.5 months until the summer vacation begins. Yay for private sector preschool! But I’m already agonizing over what we’re going to do together for three whole weeks, not to mention the high holidays (omg, not holidays again!) that come 5 days after school begins.
3. I forgot already. Clutterbrains. Wanna be my no-way-out friend? I’m not as funny as Marinka, but I’ll allow you to patronize me from time to time…
Leaving the PTA board is going to be the Godfather, just when you thought you were out they pull you back in!
My youngest graduates from high school on Friday. All year he was positive that he’d graduate with no problem, but then came Economics and American Government, which he wasn’t gonna pass. Patrick ended up going to Credit Recovery and his guidance counselor and I ended up on a first name basis with her knowing my phone number and me getting phone calls at 5 p.m. from WalMart because she “just knew” he wasn’t going to graduate. After 4 days of projects from knowing about Supreme Court cases of Marbury vs. Madison all the way to comparing and analyzing the impeachment of Andrew Johnson and Bill Clinton, I get a phone call yesterday from the counselor telling me that Patrick had something to tell me…after holding my breath, he tells me “Sorry, Momma, I’m not graduating, I didn’t pass my exam.” My heart sank until I heard the counselor in the back ground telling him to quit giving me a heart attack and tell me the truth that he is graduating. It’s going to be hard for me next year not cringing everytime the phone rings. Congrats on your PTA ending career!
Bud Lite, reading minutes and rat bits? Hysterical!!
Congrats on being sprung from your PTA; I served 7 years so I know how you feel!
My son once told a room full of preschoolers and mommies that our new house had rats and cockroaches in it (can’t remember the exact sentence, only the horrified looks of the mommies). We had just moved in and shooed out a mouse and had found and eradicated a bug that had hitched a ride from the farmer’s market. And that was just the beginning, hang on tight, it gets better (and by “better” I mean much, much more embarrassing and potentially life threatening for them)!
So your next post better be the List Of Things To Do Now That You Are Not On The PTA.
I’ll be waiting.
Sounds like you are definitely ready for a vacation! 😉
They totally kicked you off the PTA, didn’t they? 🙂
Frappucheetos. Hahaha!
Ha ha, I totally want a Frapecheeto. Your boys sound opposite. I was always found reading illegally under my covers. But usually it was ‘illegal’ content, like VC Andrews.
*snort*
A Budlight cooler cup in his backpack.
*snort*
So what I thought of Texas was true all along…and here I thought Austin was the exception. No more PTA? What are we going to do without all of those awesome stories? I am sure you will find something….
I had to show this post to Peter. He snorted and judged you 😛
No more PTA? What are you going to do with all your cute yoga pants? Actually DO yoga??
My friend just got elected to the PTA. I’m thinking you should be her personal PTA coach.
And I’m sorry about the whole friendship probation. Clearly, all my fault. I’m going to stay out of the hospital until you and Marinka can rebuild your friendship.
Oh man, the reading contest sounds just like me. We had a chart with gold stars for so many pages read. My stars went all the way up and off the chart, up the wall to the sofit, up across the sofit and up to the ceiling. And all it did was fuel me on to do more in case anyone caught up with me.
Ah, old tenement buildings always make me think of Newsies, which makes me think of Christian Bale, which makes me think of Batman.
Ah, Batman.
Too bad you didn’t take advantage of your power position on the PTA. You could have embezzled enough in that time frame to step up from bud light to imported beer and Frappucheetos of your very own.
Wendi, this is hilarious! I am NOT looking forward to the end of the school year, but it is almost here!
Forwarding Barry Manilow’s e-mails? Manilow wants to talk to Marinka he should do so directly. It puts you in an awkward position.
holy hell lady, i cracked up out loud as i read this! like, totally ignored the fact that my 13-month old was gnawing on her daddy’s flip flop (WHAT flip flop?? i don’t see anything!!) so i could finish reading. so thanks for that! ::pulls pine needles out of baby’s mouth::
cheers!
I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard. Your PTA will be a sad sad place.
My suggestion, when the PTA ask you why you’re leaving tell them it’s cutting into your drinking time.
Rat bites… Awesome! I have managed to stay under the PTA radar until this upcoming year. What I can’t believe is how they want you to start this stuff now. I feel like shouting you can’t have anything until September! No time. No effort. Uggh. Someone save me…
Good luck with the long hot summer ahead. Just let child protective services know the whole rat thing has no basis in fact.
Keep on with the boot camp. I signed up for another 3 months. The trainer wore me down. At least I’ll be fit.
Is there some kind of 2 year committment for school volunteering? My oldest starts Kindergarten this Fall and I already dread the fundraisers and volunteer sign up sheets… I sat in the back of the orienation meeting and felt like I was in high school again. Only half paying attention and passing notes to my friend.
I refuse to volunteer for PTA. Check back with me in a few years, when my kid is actually in school. If I’ve joined you have my permission to kill me.
Wow…Jack is good at creating stories and scenes.. luckily social services didnt come up and check on you 😛 happy summer holidays 🙂
That can cooler is going to have me laughing all day! That’s exactly the kind of thing I can see myself doing. Though I don’t think I actually own anything as classy as a Bud Light can cooler.
Forwarding Barry Manilow’s e-mails? Manilow wants to talk to Marinka he should do so directly. It puts you in an awkward position.