A few months ago, I wrote about how I’ve been endlessly amused by the wonderful sign in my neighbor’s front yard. And now, after a long, cold winter, it looks like the Tequilator Realtor has finally pulled through:
So get out the fresh limes and salt, people because Jose be mixin’ up some new mortgage margaritas! I wonder if his friends Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker Red will be able to stop by after all the papers are signed. I sure hope so. They’re always a lot of fun at housewarmings.
You may also remember that I wrote about how sad I was that I wasn’t able to make it to Vegas last year to see a special someone. Well, hang onto your hats because it looks like I’m headed to LV this Friday where I will be attending Mr. Manilow’s new show at the Paris casino! Whoohoo! I’m ironing my cat sweatshirts and pink capris as we speak!
Now, since I wanted to get really good seats in order to completely bask in the glow of Barry’s spray tan, I had to suck it up and finally join the Barry Manilow International Fan Club (BMIFC). Yeah, yeah, go ahead and say it. I’m officially a Fanilow now. My certificate and new notepad prove it:
(Also, my husband has suggested I use the notepad to write “I Hate Myself” notes during the show, but I think I’m going to save it for personal correspondence instead.)
My sister Amy will be in Vegas with me, but seeing as how she’s “too cool” and “not a lameass loser living in the 70’s,” she will be going to Bon Jovi the night I’m at Barry. Whatever. I’d like to see Richie Sambora try to pull off frosted blonde tips and giant puffy shoulder pads. I’d like to see him make an audience full of women who own 25 cats and houses soon to be featured on Hoarders sob their eyes out during a heartfelt rendition of “Weekend in New England.” He couldn’t even come close to Barry’s magic. Jerk.
Anyway, my wonderful friend Karen will be going to the show with me instead. Mostly because she’s a great person, but also because I still have a lot of high school dirt on her from 1986 that she doesn’t want me to tell her mother. (So much dirt, in fact, that she even agreed to share a room with me after I signed us up for the “Manilow Romance” package so I could save $50, and get two commemorative Barry champagne flutes.) (We plan on using them to toast our awesomeness.)
And if anyone has any other suggestions for things to see while I’m in Vegas, please let me know because I haven’t been there in a few years. The only other thing I’ve found so far is Carrot Top’s show, but I’m not about to pay $71.00 a ticket to see what DG calls “3 dollars of prop comedy and 68 dollars of shame.” Lord knows I get enough of that in my own bedroom for free.
Well, thanks, everyone. This is BMIFC member #564807 signing off for now. I’ll be sure to let you all know what happens on my big trip to see the big man. I think it’s going to be incredible.
And Barry? It looks like we made it, my friend.
It looks like we f*#ing made it.
Also, I’ve been having some trouble getting your comments in my email inbox, so I’m not able to respond to anyone right now. I think it may have something to do with the 2,000 suspicious visitors from Beijing that I’ve had on my blog this past week. I knew they were up to no good. Anyway, just know that I thought your comment was hilarious.