If your cat is anything like mine, she just loves to entertain. I can’t even tell you how many times Miss Dickens has hosted Superbowl parties, board game nights, and casually elegant dinners in our candlelit dining room. It’s almost like she’s a tiny, little Martha Stewart! (If Martha Stewart had whiskers, fish breath, and spent hours behind the couch licking her private parts.)
However, while Miss Dickens may be a wiz at putting together eclectic guest lists and decorating a lovely holiday table, she unfortunately has a little bit of trouble when it comes to menu planning. After all, who’s more finicky than a bunch of housecats? There’s the Tabby who’s gone vegan, the Maine Coon Cat who’s allergic to corn, and, of course, the trouble-making Persian who tells everyone she’s on the Atkins Diet but she’s really just chewing on old Dexatrim pills she found under the dumpster. It’s enough to make a Calico close down her Evite account and go cry in her litter box, I tell you.
But now there’s fabulous news for Miss Dickens and for feline hostesses everywhere because Friskies has just come out with this:
Yes, that’s right—it’s Party Mix for Cats! Because Party Mix for Squirrels would just be fucking stupid.
Miss Dickens is thrilled about this new treat and she’s already told her caterer Louis to order 20 bags of the Wild West Crunch for her annual Labor Day BBQ. She’s certain her guests will be tickled pink by those kitschy cow head shapes and Texas stars, as well as the beef, liver and cheddar “flavors.” You know, because animals are just so discerning about what they put in their mouths. No dead birds or grasshoppers will be served on the cat party circuit this season, Mr. Fluffy! We’s going gourmet!
With a whole line-up of Party Mix flavors including “Beachside Crunch,” “Mixed Grill Crunch,” and “Picnic Crunch,” it looks like Miss Dickens now has her little paws full of entertaining, mingling, and socializing with her fellow cats. Well, once they figure out how to get into a cupboard, take out a bowl, put the bowl on the counter, rip open the Party Mix packet, then dump the Party Mix into the bowl without the use of opposable thumbs. But after all that, these mad felines are going to party hearty and fist pump all night long! Just like that weird Photoshopped cat on the bag is doing! Whooo!
Or at least that’s what I think Miss Dickens told me after I caught her behind the couch licking herself this afternoon. Maybe she was just meowing for help.
And for those of you waiting for the second part of my Vegas Humiliation story, I’m still working on it. And by “still working on it,” I mean I haven’t started yet. But I will soon. Promise.