Wednesday, January 6, 7:00 a.m.
By now we’ve all heard how Stephanie Meyer got the idea for the Twilight series from a dream. She’d never written anything before, but on that particular morning she woke up with a fantastic vampire story in her head. All she had to do was just sit down, write it out, and boom — now America’s buying sodas with shirtless werewolves on the cup.
Anyway, ever since I learned of that story, I’ve been hoping and praying that the same thing would happen to me. I mean, why should I waste all of this time during the day trying to think of great stories when I could just snuggle up in bed and let the ideas come to me in the midst of my sleep apnea? So each night, I put on my mismatched socks, my BreatheRight nasal strip, and my $50 pimple cream, then I turn off the light, and wait for a bestseller to sneak into my brain like a highly literate cat burglar.
And last night, it finally happened.
I woke up this morning with a book idea fully formed in my groggy, little head. I know—isn’t that amazing? So now, without any effort whatsoever, I already have the characters, the setting, the plot, the cover art, and the fast-food marketing tie-in for my future moneymaker all figured out. Oh, Lawdy, somebody call the doctor, cause this shit is done.
Right now I’m headed off to my desk to type up my story, then I’m going to stick the pages in an envelope and send them off to a Big Publisher this afternoon. If things go well, I should be in Barnes & Noble by Friday.
See you on Oprah, everyone!
Wednesday, January 6, 7:10 a.m.
Me again. Well, apparently, the idea that came to me last night in a dream didn’t turn out to be such a good one after all. I mean, I totally think there’s an audience out there for my book RADICCHIO: THE VEGAN DETECTIVE, but it seems that a few other people (my husband, my mother, my father, my sister, my other sister, my neighbor, my lawn guy, my kid, my other kid, that guy on the skateboard, the stoned crossing guard, the other stoned crossing guard, the CEO of Whole Foods) happen to think otherwise. In fact, most of them just laughed and checked my pupils when I told them about it. They didn’t even like my plan to have Jake Gyllenhaal play Radicchio’s arch nemesis Mr. Gristle in the film adaptation. Unbelievable.
Therefore, it looks like now—after ten whole minutes of writing—I have no choice but to just put my magnum opus on the shelf, along with its sequel SWISS CHARD: THE REVENGE, and hope that my dream gets the attention it deserves some day. Alas, we can’t all be Stephanie Meyer.
Which is why tonight before I go to sleep, I’m going to put on my mismatched socks, my BreatheRight nasal strip, and my $50 pimple cream, then I’m going to blast some Motley Crue, smoke a bowl of peyote and slam Extra-Strength NyQuil until I pass out naked on the floor.
I hear that’s how J.K. Rowling got started.
We’ve been praying for the exact same thing, it seems. Le sigh. Pass the NyQuil, will you, sistah?
Oh. My. God.
The Vegan Detective? I don’t know you Wendi, but I literally had to stop reading and wipe the tears from my eyes.
That is some funny, shizzite.
LOL that is one funny story. I’d read it.
You are missing my mom’s magic sleep ingredients – a cool-mist humidifier and vick’s vaporub. I think if you add those two things, a blockbuster will appear for sure.
See now…I’d buy it. What can I say? Radicchio is one of the sexier vegetables. Produce is really hot right now. The whole vampire thing is so overdone. Radicchio is fresh. Original. I’d rethink if I were you.
Harsh critics. You’d think at least the stoned crossing guard would be into it.
very funny, l think your blog is enough to get you noticed to be frank!!
Wendi, the world is just not ready yet for this level of genius. Maybe in a few years we’ll have evolved enough to see the brilliance in your work.
Or maybe your ideas are like art. Most of it is only appreciated after the artist’s death. So go ahead and write your books; self-publish if you have to! Then after you die, come back from the dead and see how this theory pans out. If it didn’t catch on, you can at least console yourself with a good haunting of your doubters. 🙂
Sleuthing vegetables not viable? No way! I’d read it, especially if you share your peyote. Now get to it Stephanie Rowling, momma needs a new beach read.
Ten minutes is hardly enough time to chuck the idea completely.
Aside from that, do those people really have your best interests at heart?
I think not.
Ask the FedEx guy first…and maybe the mailperson.
I’d hate for you to get into copyright wars with the Veggie Tales though. I hear they are some mean mothas.
Falling asleep naked on the floor, wearing your mismached socks, the bereathright nasal strip and 50$ pimple cream?
I suddenly got inspired to write my own novel!
I would totally read “RADICCHIO: THE VEGAN DETECTIVE”! It sounds a lot more interesting than frickin’ Twilight! LOL
Never underestimate the power of passing out naked on the floor. Good things can start that way, I’m sure of it. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.
I get so cold just thinking about being naked on the floor just now.
LMAO!! I literally laughed out loud on the nyquil passing out part!
I think you might be missing the bigger picture. Will George Clooney play Raddichio the Vegan detective in the movie? Because if so, you’re coming to CHI-CAAAAA-GO with OOOOOOOOO-prah!!
No, no, no–you’ll never get on Oprah with that veggie shit. BUT, what about on Ocra? Now we’re talkin’!
Hadn’t they ever heard of Veggie Tales? I totally think that would sell some serious greenbacks.
Crap. I was all psyched about camping out overnight at my B&N so that I could be first in line for your book signing. Way to trash my dreams.
I would read the book, especially after whipping up a batch of the nifty MindWiper Punch. Vegetable is most definitely the new Vampire. Suck it, Ms. Meyer–I am having the Team Raddichio crotchless panties manufactured right now. Fast-food tie-ins are so last decade.
It’s the pimple cream! Didn’t you see dream inspiration can be a negative side effect. It’s listed right after painful nasal rash.
You are SO freaking funny!!!!!
Ya know in my opinion J.K Rowling totally copied the VERY FUNNY Terry Prachett…now there’s an author to make you laugh out loud as you read.
The thought of you in pimple cream, smoking a bowl of peyote, with a breathe right nasal strip on was more than I could bear (ohhh and naked with mismatched socks)!!!
Swiss Chard..I about choked LOL
I too keep hoping that great idea will land itself in my brain and I will start typing with the frenzy of a whirling dervish. So far it has yet to happen. Blogging for free just doesn’t have the same appeal.
Wendy, you know I would read anything you write! You are awesome!
Hmm, after the screen adaption, maybe a syndicated show on Food Network . . .
I’ve been having some wild dreams while taking some cough meds with codiene. Maybe I should write them up for a novel. Do you think a roach in high heels could be the main character?
Girl, you’re killin’ me.
[sigh]
Well, I guess that means I should abandon my dream-based novel about these really happening fellows who hit the road for adventure, drinking with friends along the way and composing mad verse when it struck them.
I’m gonna miss those beet-niks.
😉 A.
“smoke a bowl of peyote and slam Extra-Strength NyQuil until I pass out naked on the floor.” – best way to end a night…ever.
You know, I dream every single night and some nights I come up with the most amazing complicated plot with several twists and turns…but what I don’t get is why every time I sit to write it down, it’s forgotten, or when written down it just doesn’t have any finesse whatsoever. I don’t know who is in my head making these dreams, but I’d wish they’d come out of hiding when I was awake. DUR.
You know, the idea is the EASY part. Come on, people. We all have ideas. It’s the execution of said idea that’s hard. And let me tell you, while Stephenie Meyer for whatever reason is making it sound like writing that four volume opus was a cakewalk, I can tell you she had to put some serious butt-in-chair, agonize-over-word-choice and scene and POV and action/reaction all that shit we writers have to do when crafting a book.
the fact that Meyer hasn’t written anything and then hits the big time is annoying. but don’t give up on that idea–i can see it realized on nick jr, possibly yo gabba gabba. 🙂
Surely the whole foods CEO is behind you.
Perhaps set it in Venice;
Radicchio, Radicchio where for art thou, Radicchio?
Mean critics. They should be sentenced to a Saturday afternoon at Whole Foods, surrounded by happy families giving the children an outing in the fresh veggies and then letting the little terrorists take hold of the shopping cart.
[Flashback over.]
Maybe you should add a sparkly t-shirt to your sleep attire. Mine says “Wine-y Bitch,” but there are others that might be more you and induce meatier dreams.
too funny! thanks for the laugh!!!
Fantastic Vampire Story?
Shouldn’t this be like the zombie argument. If it runs it’s not really a zombie. If it sparkles like someone who works at a make-up counter instead of bursting into flames it’s not really a vampire.
Here’s good dream for ya, Wendi….
One of my sisters, my best friend, and I were working as waitresses in a diner. My sister kept getting orders mixed up, so I took over. In the process I accidentally gave the “dragon lady”, appropriately named because of her 3″ long red nails, the wrong order and she put a curse on me, which I didn’t believe. That night, my best friend and I headed back to our college dorm…the only reason we went there was because of the awesome jerseys and jackets they had…and we found out our assignment was to put a hot tub in the bathroom. We went down to the nearest hot tub place and brought it back home in the back of our sports car. When we got to the dorm, there were flying monkeys waiting for us, laughing at us, mocking us. We hurried up and got it into the bathroom, when out of nowhere, those flying monkeys came through the window and started jumping up and down, up and down, still mocking us, on the hot tub, breaking it into tiny little pieces. My best friend and I had to get tubes of super glue and glue it back together, get the hot tub installed so we wouldn’t get kicked out of the dorm. I woke up crying.
You need to write it AND submit it to a publisher. I dare you. Though I think it should have a chapter in it regarding the case of the missing cucumber. Then there would have to be a murder with a turnip, cuz you can’t get blood out of a turnip (or so I’ve heard, I haven’t actually tried as my turnips don’t have blood on them).
I think that SM was onto something with the whole nightmare-romance thing. Vampires are HUGE (and I secretly think she read a lot of Anne Rice growing up…) But they’re kind of done. And the market on werewolves is now cornered…so I think you have to look to the future of monsters with sex appeal.
Like Frankenstein’s monster for instance (you know that I’m a good source of literary advice since I didn’t call him “Frankenstein”). He’s got that strong, silent thing going. He’s willing to chase his quarry all over the world. I think there’s some real passion there. Or what about mummies? So much mystery – what does he look like under those bandages? And all of that great Egyptian jewelry in the crypt. He would have birthdays and holidays covered for years. If you ask me, fangs are over-rated – scarabs are a girls best friend…
Will Ralph Macchio play Radicchio? I think you should think about that, lettuce all think about that…. couldn’t resist.
You’re right about JK Rowling (except the peyote and Nyquil, but the Crue I’d believe) she spent over a year trying to get a publisher before someone gave her a shot and she’s probably all the better because of it. What do all those people know are any of them in publishing? I didn’t think so, maybe they just can’t think outside the box like you (you’re a trendsetter baby!) and they are jealous and are now at home writing their own stories about Zucchini: the Vegan Vegas Porn Star solving mysteries between takes and money shots. You should guard your brilliant ideas closely from now on and password your computer before a jealous family member hacks it to steal your mega money making stories from you!! Go! Go now time is of the essence!!!
Oprah no, Ocra! (HIL-larious!)
I am sorry, what did you say? I got distracted by that whole shirtless werewolf thing……..
I don’t see how anything with Jake Gyllenhaal could go wrong. I seriously don’t.
Hehehe….goodluck wendy… Im sure you’ll be a good writer/publisher or the thing that you want to be 😛
Happy NEW YEAR too!!
Love it. The Nyquil is TOTALLY the key to literary success, I’ve heard.
I’m trying that too. I need money. And fame! OK. No. Just money.
My last dream involved a long drawn out discussion between various members of my in-law family about how many guests it is normal to have at a Christening. Also, a baby wrapped in cling-film.
It might not make a book but by the standard of foreign art house movies my husband has been making me watch recently, I could make it straight to film…
Look out for me at Sundance!
ROFLMAO!!!! I needed a laugh and you gave me one! I think the books sound…INSPIRED! !!! And some of the comments have interesting additions, too!!!
Hi Wendi,
I just began reading your blog and I wanted to tell you a few things. One, you are hysterical and so real. Your stories are intriguing and a pleasure to read. Also, you don’t need a dream or revelation in your sleep or Nyquil to write a masterpiece best selling novel. You have the goods write here on this site. Watch the movie, Julie and Julia, or read the book, about a cook who documented her way through Julia Child’s cookbook by writing a blog. It’s a true story about a middle class girl from Queens, New York. Women love to read about real life stuff that they can relate to. Your entries are both funny and real. If you maybe combined all of them into one novel and filled in the cracks with a story line of your life or maybe how you started blogging and how blogging helped you or whatever, you would have a bestseller on your hands. I know for a fact that I can totally relate to your funny everyday stories and I would love to read a book like this. Don’t be afraid to see what you have in front of you. Yes, it might not be the same as having an idea of a worldywide character like Harry Potter or Edward Cullen, but still, you can touch the lives of millions of women around the world with simple things like your blog entries. And yes, Wendi Aarons, if you set your mind to it, I will see you on Oprah.
Oh, Wendi, you are a genius born ahead of your time. Besides, I don’t believe that Meyers gal could have that kind of a dream w/o contaminated LSD and total recall. I wonder if Sharkboy and the soundtrack were part of the dream.
I love the concept. I think your critics are woefully misguided. So tonight while under the *ahem*… influence….try some lucid dreaming…if you manage to work in a nice bloody killing spree BEFORE you introduce the Vegan Detective…hollywood would SO go for it….