After our boys were born, fall became known around our house as “The Birthday Time.” Sam’s birthday is in October, Jack’s is in November, and I think our cat’s birthday is sometime around there, too. (Note: We’ve never been able to get official documentation on that seeing as how Dickens was born in an alley to an unwed Calico and all.)
The Birthday Time hullabaloo actually begins for us at the end of summer when the boys start their long, involved discussions about what this year’s “birthday theme” will be for each of them. Apparently it’s not enough to turn another year older, get an armload of presents, eat your body weight in frosting and become The Most Important Person in the House for a day. No, you also have to have coordinated plates, cups, napkins and piñatas while you’re doing it.
Some of the boys’ birthday party themes over the years have included Dinosaurs, Airplanes, Baseball, Clowns and Spiderman. Basically, if the party store carries it and it’s not pink or covered in wedding bells, I’ve bought it. Of course, the main problem with having a theme is that you don’t know when to stop buying. After you get the basics, you then have to decide if you really need the plastic Batman tablecloth, too. And the Batman balloons. And the Batman gift bags. And the giant Batman banner. And how could you ever pass up the 10 foot-high cardboard cutout of Robin that shoots out yellow confetti and yells, “Holy Visa Bill, Batman!” Those party stores know a sucker when they see one.
Once the boys have finally reached the agonizing decision of what their theme will be, we then see if there’s any possible way to tie it into their party’s activity. This was easy when the theme was “Dinosaurs” and we could go to the Texas Memorial Museum, and it was also easy when the theme was “Animals” and we could go to the Austin Zoo. But the year Sam begged for a “Star Wars” theme, I was completely flummoxed as to what we could do to entertain ten little boys for an hour. In my desperation, I finally posted an ad on Craigslist looking for people to dress up as Darth Vadar and Luke Skywalker and battle each other. The good news was I got a lot of responses from people who like to play with light sabers. The bad news was I was pretty sure none of them were legally allowed around children’s birthday parties.
This year, the boys aren’t quite sure what their themes are going to be yet, and unfortunately, they aren’t too happy with my suggestions.
“Why would I want my theme to be Invisible Fun?” Sam whined. “That’s just weird, mommy.”
“No, it’s cool, Sam!” I told him. “We’ll just pretend we have decorations! We can even have a contest to see who can imagine the best goodie bags! I bet mommy wins!”
My birthday just so happens to be in the fall, too, but unfortunately it usually gets lost in the shuffle of the boys’ parties. That’s why I’m thinking that maybe this year, I should have my own theme, too. I guess I sort of had one when I turned 21, if “Nancy, Hold My Hair While I Puke” is considered a theme. And I also had one when I turned 40, if “It’s All Downhill from Here, Man” counts. But since neither one of those was very much fun, I’ve thought of a couple of other ideas for my big day.
Like how about I make my theme “Botox!”? The party entertainment would be a couple of friendly doctors holding needles, and I could decorate my house with pictures of Nicole Kidman’s forehead. Fun! Or maybe I should go another way and have my theme be “Wrinkles and Pimples and Stretch Marks, Oh, My!” and I’ll hand out goodie bags filled with face cream and extra-strength Xanax. At least that’s age-appropriate.
But the best idea I have for my birthday theme this year is something I’m calling “Heaven on Earth.” All it requires is a squad of maids, a few bottles of chardonnay and a a shirtless Daniel Craig mowing my lawn.
And I’m pretty sure I get all of that at the party store, right?
(A slightly different version of this appeared in the October issue of AustinWoman magazine.)
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For the first time ever, The Mouthy Housewives has a Mouthy Man giving (some rather adult) advice! Don’t miss the fabulous Neil’s guest post! It must be good! I’m using exclamation points! Somebody stop me!!
LOL! Food for thought!! My birthday’s next week.
dangit my bd was 2 weeks ago
Goodie bags with xanax? Brilliant… I’ll be there. Add some Viagra and I might even help you clean up : )
what fun — your spam filter flagged me on vi-ag-ruh — now I know how it feels to be a frustrated vi-ag-ruh spammer!
Imaginary fun as a theme! I love it.
And I’ll take you out to celebrate your birthday. Just tell me when.
You need a theme. It’s sounds like you are already slipping into the martyr-mommy way of life and you need to get off this slippery slope.
How about queen for a day? You get to wear a crown and the boys and your husband have to wait on you hand and foot all day?
As for the boys and their themes – I think the time is coming for them to make a choice: Would you like a small amount of decorations and 3 presents or a huge amount of decorations and 1 present? (whatever your numbers would be.) Or give them the option for homemade decorations. You could cannibalize a couple of Batman comic books and plaster batman pics on everything.
Or start shopping at the dollar store for decorations. Give the kid 15 dollar bills and he can pick out 15 pieces of decoration, or pick out 10 pieces and keep the 5 bucks for himself.
Umm, right. If Daniel Craig is going to be mowing anybody’s lawn, it will be mine. Or at least send him north when you’re done with him.
When my kids insisted on themes (now they’re lucky if they even get a party!) I’d have the cake done in said theme, and maybe hats or party favors, too. Then I’d get all the plates, napkins, etc in coordinating colors. Much cheaper that way! Hope Birthday Time’s a blast!
They make extra strength Xanax??? ROTF. We are in the same boat with you…my eldest was born ON MY BIRTHDAY (in October)…there went my celebration for ever. My son’s is in November. I finally went to them and said…if you dump all this decoration crap then you will have more money for you…they figured this out to be a good thing around ummm about 8 years old. Well maybe I didn’t say crap but I was thinking it. I am secretly addicted to exclamation points and am on a 12 step program for the addiction!!!! See it works!!!!!!!
I love your party themes. What can I do but beg and plead to be on the invite list for the Heaven on Earth party?
My birthday is two weeks away. maybe I will have a heaven on earth party…
Uh, if you’re mailing out invites to your heaven on earth party, please email me…I’ll send my address to ya then! If not, when you’re done with DC (WITHOUT the pornstache) send him down south…my lawn needs mowing right about now.
if you can send DC down, I’ll MAKE a lawn in may balcony for him to mow!!
Happy Birthday, whenever it is. May your forhead be as smooth and taut and immobile as Nicole’s. You’re a writer, facial expressions are superfluous.
That’s it! I’m nominating you as Mother of the Year.
Love the Heaven on Earth theme idea.
How about “A Tail of Two Cities” theme for Dickens?
*Note – easy Star Wars party – get each child a cheap light saber and send them all outside after it gets dark for a battle. They love it. You don’t have to buy goodie bags or plan games. Everybody wins.*
As for you, my friend, I want on your guest list. (Yes, I know you don’t really know me. I am living vicariously through the internet.)
My kids’ birthdays are in August, December, and March. This means that all year long, I’m just a couple of months away from someone’s birthday. Mine is on Thanksgiving this year, so I guess the theme is “come, get drunk and resentful of all the people who couldn’t make more of an effort for what is supposed to be a family holiday.”
Maybe Daniel Craig can start renting himself out. Do you think he rakes leaves? Because that sounds way better than doing it myself.
I would actually be the ideal invitee for all of your parties, but I would most enjoy that last one.
My 3 year old’s birthday is coming up and I love the age where whatever you suggest as a theme gets a resounding “YES!” I’m doing cowboys. (I love cowboys.)
I want to come to the Wrinkles, Pimples, and Stretch Marks, Oh My! party. Or the Heaven and Earth party.
I’ll be checking my mailbox for the invitation every day.
If I bring my own red, can I come watch Daniel mow the lawn, please? But you can’t get botox because then your face will crack when you read your hysterical stories!
I like the idea of a half naked Daniel Craig. I will have to put that on my party wish list. It seems as though at some point the birthday parties should stop. Maybe that only happens when kids start wanting cash more than presents. Good luck and if you manage to get 007 at your party, please let me know.
Why would you waste a shirtless Daniel Craig on mowing the lawn? I don’t get it.
All available at the party store, and I think I saw that Daniel Craig is on sale this week. Hurry! They probably don’t have many left!
I could not for the life of me figure out what squads of malds was.
Maybe my birthday theme should be “reading glasses!”
My favorite part of this post, was visa-spewing Robin.
If by ‘party store’ you mean a guy who knows a guy who has this sister who knows this dude that can score some really ‘fun stuff’, then yeah you could get “Daniel Craig” to “mow your lawn shirtless”. Go for it 😉
I’m not picky – I don’t have to have Daniel Craig. I’ll take either Pierce Brosnan or Sean Connery. But Sean has to promise to keep his shirt on AND say things with lots of rolled R’s. Verra nice.
My B-day is coming up too, can I steal your botox theme? Or how about a hair dying party! That sounds fun too. 🙂
I will come to your botox party. Just name the time and place.
My suggestion for the Star Wars theme would have been to have a very lengthy discussion on how the Star Wars prequels have no merit, should not be considered part of the story and how un-funny Jar-Jar Binks is. I mean… you have to make sure your kids grow up with the right information.
… oh no, I just made myself sound like one of the light saber waving people that should not be let near kids.
Many of us have a thing with Daniel Craig, don’t we? Hmmmm…I know I do. Oh my Daniel….you poor stalked man. Oooh…that could be the theme of your next party. Complete with a Daniel Craig cake and poster. Oh yeah….what? Where was I?
I need some alone time….
My most desired birthday theme would be the Invisible Family theme:
For an entire day, I could pretend they didn’t exist. They would go somewhere else, like maybe across the state to visit relations and I could be ALONE. All day. I could sleep in as late as I liked without being poked by a 10-year-old boy on a Saturday morning at 8 AM and asked if he could go on the computer. I could eat out by myself or bring home take out that didn’t involve waiting in a drive thru line and making sure that the right toy gets in the right bag. I could eat all the food that my family thinks is disgusting (anything that has wine in it or mushrooms…or artichokes…) I could have the television remote all to myself and watch all the movies *I* like and haven’t seen in years because instead I’ve watched Cars so much that not only do I talk to my car, which I did for years, but now I’m half expecting it to answer back. I wouldn’t have to look at my clock once and think, “In 30 minutes I have to be in the car line at school.” I could take a nap and not worry about what they were doing on the computer. I could sing along to my favorite radio stations and not hear my teenager daughters say, “Mom! Could we listen to 96.3, ’cause, like, your music is SO lame!” While I love my family (keep repeating that to myself) one day alone would set me up for the whole year…sigh…to dream the impossible dream….
I know it’s rude to invite myself but if you’re going to have a half naked Daniel Craig AND Xanax goodie bags can I come?
I understand that “mowing your lawn” is a euphemism.
I am RSVP-ing to that party now. I will bring a covered dish. (Not a euphemism, I make a great mac and cheese.)
Luckily I have plenty of planning time ahead of me, as my bd is in February. I’m thinking I want a male harem, an Arabian tent type thing on the edge of a lake, and a security guard to keep everyone at least 500 feet back unless they have an invite, a bottle of liquor, a camera, or a gift.
And fried food. I’m such a pig.
OMG…I like that last idea. Can I steal it? I hear Daniel Craig does parties;)
Though it does not look to me like you do the award thing, I did give ya one at my place. No obligation. No requirements. Money back if not completely satisfied.
Please tell me you stocked Vicodin.
Yup. That is a marketable idea. I think you should see if you can pull that one off. My birthday isn’t until August. Keep me updated on the availability of Daniel.
I’m totally on board with the Invisible theme. They can play “The Quiet Game” with their eyes closed and pretend even THEY are invisible.
psssssst. Send over Darth Vader. I’ll dust off my slave girl outfit my best friend Carrie gave me…….